11 year old Son wants to be a Girl

[Anonymous]

Denying your biology isn’t a “condition” that needs medical treatment. You are telling them that day is night and black is white. Allowing them to be whatever kind of person they want to be is a different issue. If they don’t feel comfortable with the stereotypical trappings of their chromosomal identity, then don’t do them. By allowing an adolescent to chemically alter and eventually surgically mutilate themselves, you are not being supportive, you are buying into the societal norm that there is a right way or wrong way to be a male or female and because they don’t want to do those this, they therefore are not male or female. Let them know that however they want to experience life is valid - who they want to love, what they want to wear, what kind of career they can do, etc. They want to go by a new name, fine. Shopping in the “wrong” clothing section? All for it.

So this kid is not feeling aligned with what society expects of them. This is just about every teenager ever. I am the parent of an 11 year old and was a teacher’s aide for years in this age range and there is no way this age group has the presence of mind to make a permanent and informed decision about chemical castration. Would you let them buy a gun, join the military, or heck even drive a car yet? Who is the parent here?

[Anonymous]

Haven’t read all the responses but suggest reading “this is how it always is”. It’s a novelized version of what you’re going through but felt it was very informative and dealt with questions like yours. I would also seek the counsel of other parents of children who identify similarly..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Take a deep dive into the effects of puberty blockers and cross-sex hormones on youth.

This is child abuse.

Tell your DS he can feel anyway he feels and he can dress and behave any way he wants and you will support him.

But if he want to mutilate his body he will have to wait until he is 18 and can make huge decisions on his own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Denying your biology isn’t a “condition” that needs medical treatment. You are telling them that day is night and black is white. Allowing them to be whatever kind of person they want to be is a different issue. If they don’t feel comfortable with the stereotypical trappings of their chromosomal identity, then don’t do them. By allowing an adolescent to chemically alter and eventually surgically mutilate themselves, you are not being supportive, you are buying into the societal norm that there is a right way or wrong way to be a male or female and because they don’t want to do those this, they therefore are not male or female. Let them know that however they want to experience life is valid - who they want to love, what they want to wear, what kind of career they can do, etc. They want to go by a new name, fine. Shopping in the “wrong” clothing section? All for it.

So this kid is not feeling aligned with what society expects of them. This is just about every teenager ever. I am the parent of an 11 year old and was a teacher’s aide for years in this age range and there is no way this age group has the presence of mind to make a permanent and informed decision about chemical castration. Would you let them buy a gun, join the military, or heck even drive a car yet? Who is the parent here?

Agreed

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Denying your biology isn’t a “condition” that needs medical treatment. You are telling them that day is night and black is white. Allowing them to be whatever kind of person they want to be is a different issue. If they don’t feel comfortable with the stereotypical trappings of their chromosomal identity, then don’t do them. By allowing an adolescent to chemically alter and eventually surgically mutilate themselves, you are not being supportive, you are buying into the societal norm that there is a right way or wrong way to be a male or female and because they don’t want to do those this, they therefore are not male or female. Let them know that however they want to experience life is valid - who they want to love, what they want to wear, what kind of career they can do, etc. They want to go by a new name, fine. Shopping in the “wrong” clothing section? All for it.

So this kid is not feeling aligned with what society expects of them. This is just about every teenager ever. I am the parent of an 11 year old and was a teacher’s aide for years in this age range and there is no way this age group has the presence of mind to make a permanent and informed decision about chemical castration. Would you let them buy a gun, join the military, or heck even drive a car yet? Who is the parent here?

Wise words.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would tell my son that when he is 18, he can be or do whatever he wants, and you will support it then, but at 11, not happening under my roof.

So you would not allow a 16 or 17 year old who has said for years she is trans to essentially suppress and hide it from you? What good will that do except to show her your love is conditional and not openly giving and accepting? You are okay with that?

I think people like this are either pretending to be supportive or ignorant of what being trans is like.

Before I knew DS was trans, I assumed I’d be supportive but not necessarily allow medical procedures until adulthood. I’m bi, but I was fairly ignorant of the trans community and trans people’s needs. It turns out, it’s virtually impossible to be supportive and not allow hormones and other medical interventions. I mean, you can say you love and support, but it’s the equivalent of thoughts and prayers after a shooting. The actual support is in actions, and that includes helping your child’s outside match their inside. Telling a boy he can present as female while forcing him to go through puberty and become more masculine, irreversibly masculine, is cruel beyond words. Life is already hard enough for teens, more so for trans teens with supportive families. It’s torturous for trans kids who feel alone and unsupported.

It would be like saying you support your child being a musician but not allowing them to have an instrument or music lessons, and in some cases limiting their exposure to music because you’re afraid it will corrupt them.

What is even more cruel is to enable a course of action that makes him infertile for life.

And probably depressive, and more suicidal than otherwise.

But yeah, you'd be the coolest dad ever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Denying your biology isn’t a “condition” that needs medical treatment. You are telling them that day is night and black is white. Allowing them to be whatever kind of person they want to be is a different issue. If they don’t feel comfortable with the stereotypical trappings of their chromosomal identity, then don’t do them. By allowing an adolescent to chemically alter and eventually surgically mutilate themselves, you are not being supportive, you are buying into the societal norm that there is a right way or wrong way to be a male or female and because they don’t want to do those this, they therefore are not male or female. Let them know that however they want to experience life is valid - who they want to love, what they want to wear, what kind of career they can do, etc. They want to go by a new name, fine. Shopping in the “wrong” clothing section? All for it.

So this kid is not feeling aligned with what society expects of them. This is just about every teenager ever. I am the parent of an 11 year old and was a teacher’s aide for years in this age range and there is no way this age group has the presence of mind to make a permanent and informed decision about chemical castration. Would you let them buy a gun, join the military, or heck even drive a car yet? Who is the parent here?

The fact that you were a teacher's aide for years doesn't add any validity to your position as there are many bigots in the school system. Puberty blockers are a valid way of giving an 11 year old additional time to evolve emotionally before making a permanent decision. I'm happy you are no longer in the classroom if you don't have the analytical skills to see the difference between what's being discussed here and giving an 11 year old a gun or having them join the military, or between normal teen angst and this. Also, in one breath you're saying they don't have to buy into societal norms of the right way or wrong way to be male or female, but in another you're basically saying they need to buy into your interpretation of how they should want to be male or female. The impact of puberty blockers are reversed once you stop them, so no one is talking about permanent "chemical castration." OP, as another poster pointed out, this is not the place to get constructive support regarding your potentially transgender child. Find a therapist and talk to you DC's pediatrician. Good luck in helping your child in this process.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Denying your biology isn’t a “condition” that needs medical treatment. You are telling them that day is night and black is white. Allowing them to be whatever kind of person they want to be is a different issue. If they don’t feel comfortable with the stereotypical trappings of their chromosomal identity, then don’t do them. By allowing an adolescent to chemically alter and eventually surgically mutilate themselves, you are not being supportive, you are buying into the societal norm that there is a right way or wrong way to be a male or female and because they don’t want to do those this, they therefore are not male or female. Let them know that however they want to experience life is valid - who they want to love, what they want to wear, what kind of career they can do, etc. They want to go by a new name, fine. Shopping in the “wrong” clothing section? All for it.

So this kid is not feeling aligned with what society expects of them. This is just about every teenager ever. I am the parent of an 11 year old and was a teacher’s aide for years in this age range and there is no way this age group has the presence of mind to make a permanent and informed decision about chemical castration. Would you let them buy a gun, join the military, or heck even drive a car yet? Who is the parent here?

Wise words.

Not so wise words. They aren't denying their biology, they are transgender because of their biology. http://sitn.hms.harvard.edu/flash/2016/gender-lines-science-transgender-identity/

[Anonymous]

OP, is this out of the blue or has your child expressed the feeling of presenting as the wrong gender for a long time? Even in ways that may have been indirect? I think it is very unusual for this to present out of the blue at 11.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would tell my son that when he is 18, he can be or do whatever he wants, and you will support it then, but at 11, not happening under my roof.

So you would not allow a 16 or 17 year old who has said for years she is trans to essentially suppress and hide it from you? What good will that do except to show her your love is conditional and not openly giving and accepting? You are okay with that?

I think people like this are either pretending to be supportive or ignorant of what being trans is like.

Before I knew DS was trans, I assumed I’d be supportive but not necessarily allow medical procedures until adulthood. I’m bi, but I was fairly ignorant of the trans community and trans people’s needs. It turns out, it’s virtually impossible to be supportive and not allow hormones and other medical interventions. I mean, you can say you love and support, but it’s the equivalent of thoughts and prayers after a shooting. The actual support is in actions, and that includes helping your child’s outside match their inside. Telling a boy he can present as female while forcing him to go through puberty and become more masculine, irreversibly masculine, is cruel beyond words. Life is already hard enough for teens, more so for trans teens with supportive families. It’s torturous for trans kids who feel alone and unsupported.

It would be like saying you support your child being a musician but not allowing them to have an instrument or music lessons, and in some cases limiting their exposure to music because you’re afraid it will corrupt them.

What is even more cruel is to enable a course of action that makes him infertile for life.

And probably depressive, and more suicidal than otherwise.

But yeah, you'd be the coolest dad ever.

DP. Are you basing your "probably depressive, and more suicidal than otherwise" on studies you've read? Or are you just pulling out of your a**? Asking for a friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would tell my son that when he is 18, he can be or do whatever he wants, and you will support it then, but at 11, not happening under my roof.

So you would not allow a 16 or 17 year old who has said for years she is trans to essentially suppress and hide it from you? What good will that do except to show her your love is conditional and not openly giving and accepting? You are okay with that?

I think people like this are either pretending to be supportive or ignorant of what being trans is like.

Before I knew DS was trans, I assumed I’d be supportive but not necessarily allow medical procedures until adulthood. I’m bi, but I was fairly ignorant of the trans community and trans people’s needs. It turns out, it’s virtually impossible to be supportive and not allow hormones and other medical interventions. I mean, you can say you love and support, but it’s the equivalent of thoughts and prayers after a shooting. The actual support is in actions, and that includes helping your child’s outside match their inside. Telling a boy he can present as female while forcing him to go through puberty and become more masculine, irreversibly masculine, is cruel beyond words. Life is already hard enough for teens, more so for trans teens with supportive families. It’s torturous for trans kids who feel alone and unsupported.

It would be like saying you support your child being a musician but not allowing them to have an instrument or music lessons, and in some cases limiting their exposure to music because you’re afraid it will corrupt them.

What is even more cruel is to enable a course of action that makes him infertile for life.

And probably depressive, and more suicidal than otherwise.

But yeah, you'd be the coolest dad ever.

What are you talking about? Trans kids have VERY high rates of suicide and depression. Some have even mutilated themselves cutting off their own penises. It's not cruel to try to work with a therapist and help your child. If hormone blockers are indicated, it is FAR preferable to get out in front of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would tell my son that when he is 18, he can be or do whatever he wants, and you will support it then, but at 11, not happening under my roof.

So you would not allow a 16 or 17 year old who has said for years she is trans to essentially suppress and hide it from you? What good will that do except to show her your love is conditional and not openly giving and accepting? You are okay with that?

I think people like this are either pretending to be supportive or ignorant of what being trans is like.

Before I knew DS was trans, I assumed I’d be supportive but not necessarily allow medical procedures until adulthood. I’m bi, but I was fairly ignorant of the trans community and trans people’s needs. It turns out, it’s virtually impossible to be supportive and not allow hormones and other medical interventions. I mean, you can say you love and support, but it’s the equivalent of thoughts and prayers after a shooting. The actual support is in actions, and that includes helping your child’s outside match their inside. Telling a boy he can present as female while forcing him to go through puberty and become more masculine, irreversibly masculine, is cruel beyond words. Life is already hard enough for teens, more so for trans teens with supportive families. It’s torturous for trans kids who feel alone and unsupported.

It would be like saying you support your child being a musician but not allowing them to have an instrument or music lessons, and in some cases limiting their exposure to music because you’re afraid it will corrupt them.

What is even more cruel is to enable a course of action that makes him infertile for life.

And probably depressive, and more suicidal than otherwise.

But yeah, you'd be the coolest dad ever.

DP. Are you basing your "probably depressive, and more suicidal than otherwise" on studies you've read? Or are you just pulling out of your a**? Asking for a friend.

You acknowledge lifelong infertility -- that's a start.

Yes, that data on depression and suicides is easily available in quality studies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would tell my son that when he is 18, he can be or do whatever he wants, and you will support it then, but at 11, not happening under my roof.

So you would not allow a 16 or 17 year old who has said for years she is trans to essentially suppress and hide it from you? What good will that do except to show her your love is conditional and not openly giving and accepting? You are okay with that?

I think people like this are either pretending to be supportive or ignorant of what being trans is like.

Before I knew DS was trans, I assumed I’d be supportive but not necessarily allow medical procedures until adulthood. I’m bi, but I was fairly ignorant of the trans community and trans people’s needs. It turns out, it’s virtually impossible to be supportive and not allow hormones and other medical interventions. I mean, you can say you love and support, but it’s the equivalent of thoughts and prayers after a shooting. The actual support is in actions, and that includes helping your child’s outside match their inside. Telling a boy he can present as female while forcing him to go through puberty and become more masculine, irreversibly masculine, is cruel beyond words. Life is already hard enough for teens, more so for trans teens with supportive families. It’s torturous for trans kids who feel alone and unsupported.

It would be like saying you support your child being a musician but not allowing them to have an instrument or music lessons, and in some cases limiting their exposure to music because you’re afraid it will corrupt them.

What is even more cruel is to enable a course of action that makes him infertile for life.

And probably depressive, and more suicidal than otherwise.

But yeah, you'd be the coolest dad ever.

DP. Are you basing your "probably depressive, and more suicidal than otherwise" on studies you've read? Or are you just pulling out of your a**? Asking for a friend.

You acknowledge lifelong infertility -- that's a start.

Yes, that data on depression and suicides is easily available in quality studies.

Actually, the depression and suicide rates are higher in transgender teens who aren't supported by their families or who are bullied by those who don't approve of them, than among transgender teens with supportive families and who aren't bullied. As far as infertility, I'd rather my child be happy and well adjusted as a transgender person than depressed and suicidal (but fertile) because I am unsupportive. There are methods of preserving sperm and eggs, depending on the age of transition. Adoption is also an option if egg and sperm preservation isn't. I know many people with wonderful families that include adoptive children. I care more about my child being happy and alive, than whether my child has biological children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would tell my son that when he is 18, he can be or do whatever he wants, and you will support it then, but at 11, not happening under my roof.

So you can disassociate yourself from reality? Wait until 18 so you really don't have to deal with it? What s message for your kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Denying your biology isn’t a “condition” that needs medical treatment. You are telling them that day is night and black is white. Allowing them to be whatever kind of person they want to be is a different issue. If they don’t feel comfortable with the stereotypical trappings of their chromosomal identity, then don’t do them. By allowing an adolescent to chemically alter and eventually surgically mutilate themselves, you are not being supportive, you are buying into the societal norm that there is a right way or wrong way to be a male or female and because they don’t want to do those this, they therefore are not male or female. Let them know that however they want to experience life is valid - who they want to love, what they want to wear, what kind of career they can do, etc. They want to go by a new name, fine. Shopping in the “wrong” clothing section? All for it.

So this kid is not feeling aligned with what society expects of them. This is just about every teenager ever. I am the parent of an 11 year old and was a teacher’s aide for years in this age range and there is no way this age group has the presence of mind to make a permanent and informed decision about chemical castration. Would you let them buy a gun, join the military, or heck even drive a car yet? Who is the parent here?

Great post.