Reply to Please help me figure out if I am either the biggest crutch or a total bitch to my adult kids

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Reply to " Please help me figure out if I am either the biggest crutch or a total bitch to my adult kids "

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[quote=Anonymous]OP, the above posters are basically right but they are being more judgmental than necessary. You're going through something pretty normal: now that you kids are grown, you are reevaluating you how you want to live your life. You are finding that at this stage of your life, patterns and habits that once worked for you no longer work for you. At one point, when your kids were young, making dinner, doing the laundry, etc etc may have been nurturing and made you happy and been appropriate for them. But now, you are older and have different interests and priorities, and they are older and should be expected to pitch in.

I don't think you need to beat yourself up for any of this. I do think you need to think hard about what kind of household you want, and then communicate clearly, lovingly and firmly with your kids and husband about it. But the first step is you figuring out you: do you want you sons living with you? Yes, no, maybe? Under some circumstances but not others? For how long? Do you want to be saying, "I love you but you need to start planning how you're going to be in your own places in x months"? Or is it that you want to say, "It's great to have you around, but you're adults now and I'm working all day and if living together is going to be viable, we need to talk about how everyone pitches in. Here's what I'd like from you...."

That is not mean - it is loving and collaborative, but not enabling. And they may respond much better than you think! Yes, maybe they will resist and drag their heels or get defensive, but maybe they will say, "You know, Mom, I've been feeling guilty about how much you do for us, but telling myself you must like it, but I'm really glad to be having this conversation and in fact I'd really enjoy making dinner a couple times a week," or whatever. Give them a chance: they may surprise you.

If you feel like you either do not know what you want, or you know what you want but can't find the courage to tell them, then I think you should consider seeing a therapist for a while to help you sort out your own feelings and find ways to communicate them more effectively.

Good luck![/quote]

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