Reply to My children (adopted) said that we weren't a real family

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[quote=Anonymous][quote]Anonymous wrote:
Two elementary aged boys. They were having a conversation in the back seat about growing up and the families they would have (move to LA, buy a mansion, get a wife, have 3 kids). The older told the younger, "You know, you have to have s-e-x (yes, he spelled it out) to have the babies." The younger said, "Ewww." The older said, "You have to have s-e-x or adopt, that's the only way to get a baby." Then he says, "Mom, I wish you had never told me that I was adopted, it makes me feel weird." I say, "What do you mean, tell me more." He says, "It feels like we aren't a real family." I said, "I feel like we are a real family. I've loved you since the day you were born and we live like any other family." He said, "[b]But you aren't my *real* mom."[/b] I said, "I feel like your real mom. I love you just as much as any other mom loves her kids." The younger pipes up, "[b]No offense, mom, but it's not the same as being a real mom." 
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So this felt like a gut punch but I tried not to show it because I want them to come to me with real, true feelings, even when it's hard to hear, without worrying about hurting my feelings. But damn...that was hard to hear.

Any words of advice if this comes up again? Should I bring it up again? Might their thinking evolve over time? We adopted both at birth. Have always acknowledged that they may experience a pain or a loss. Have told them that we would support if they ever choose to search out their birth parents when older. [/quote]

I'm so sorry, OP. It sounds like you handled this really well.

An insight for you....I am an adoptee, and when other kids found this out, they always asked, "do you know who your real mom is?" This was always the first question, and it naturally puts the idea in kids' heads that their family is somehow not as good/"real" as other families. As a PP said, kids are very literal....they only equate motherhood with actual birth and s-e-x.

I think it's a good sign that your kids feel like they can talk to you about this, even though it hurts you. Yes, their feelings will definitely evolve as they get older, but it will take time. And, in the meantime, they will continue to get ignorant/poorly worded questions from other kids. Unfortunately, there is little you can do about this. Just try to be supportive--acknowledge that they joined your family in a different way, but nothing else about your family is different. You might try humor--"Really? What do these other moms do that I don't do?"

I would not bring up the birth parents right now. That could just make things worse by making them think that you yourself don't consider yourself their parent. Wait until they inquire....and they may never do it. They may search some day without telling you--as they age, they may feel it would hurt your feelings.

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