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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Nanny was trying to fill kids days with activities. 12 year old chose the first and younger sibling chose the second. 12 year old not happy with the second activity had an attitude all day and proceeded to ignore babysitter and her requests, be rude and disrespectful. 12 year old also tripped and shoved younger sibling. After being reprimanded and told by the nanny that electronics would be banned for the week, 12 year old slaps nanny in the face. Nanny says do not do that. 12 year old slaps her again. Worth to mention that 12 year old is on the very functional end of the autism spectrum, has ADHD and anxiety/depression (is being treated for all the above).

Please don’t be rude with your answers, I’d rather you not answer at all if that’s where you’re going to take it. This is a delicate situation and I just want to get some different perspectives and see how other people would (or think they would) react. [/quote]

Yeah- I think your DS (assuming DS, maybe wrong) has the trifecta of issues right now- ASD, ADHD, anxiety/depression + hormonal changes that would cause a serious outburst. None of this is intended to criticize your nanny, but what did she do to diffuse this situation? I can usually see when my ADHD/anxiety kid is ramping up- when I'm on my game, I try to calm things down. It doesn't mean that I'm not planning to dole out consequences, but timing is everything.

When your DS tripped younger sibling after a day of bad attitude- that was a red flag that he was building up to an outburst. Taking a valuable privilege right at that moment, contributed to the aggression. (yes, electronics needed to go for the rest of the week- but bad timing)

Does this mean that I'm not in favor of consequences or that I don't sympathize with your nanny? Not at all-- but I agree that the relationship may not work out, and I think you need someone who understands how to prevent these occurrences. The problem with aggression--is that it begets more aggression. It needs to be stopped- both with a sensible consequences, a little fear (I've flat out told my DS that if he hits me after a certain age, I'm calling the cops- maybe I will, maybe I won't but he believes me), and a caregiver with specialized training.

Please don't take this that I don't believe your DS isn't accountable- but he has some "stuff" going on- so does my DS, and they are both twelve which is just magnifying things. [/quote]

Sorry for the typos and sorry for seeming so critical of your nanny- being hit is awful. I just think this might be the wrong gig for her-- and that's okay. I do agree with the other pps that whatever happens, she deserves and apology and perhaps a wad of cash or gift certificate to the spa.

I do think, based on your description, that your DS seems both rigid and emotional--his ASD is going to cause metacognitive problems, so he was intensely focused on not getting his way w/o being able to calm himself- he probably needed some help or distraction with that.  This aggressive outburst was probably simmering all day and should have been picked up on.

People will say you can't walk on eggshells, and I agree- scaffolding adaptive responses to disappointment for a child with ASD/ADHD and anxiety is not walking on eggshells- it's teaching them to learn to cope, but at a much slower pace than a typical tween. [/quote]

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