Do you help plan Christmas if you don't host?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Entitled much? You are invited into someone’s home, fed and bed, and you are mad because you aren’t included in the planning? If you feel strongly about something, host. If you can’t host, be thankful you got an invitation. It’s really hard and expensive to host and you need to stop complaining.

OP if the above is similar to your ILs attitude, please stay home!

Nobody needs to be railroaded by Holiday dictators on Christmas. I can’t stand hosting martyrs who simultaneously complain about all the work it entails while shutting down anyone who wants to contribute.

[Anonymous]

OP - if the inflexibility feels like you are being shut out then do look at having your holidays at home but I would certainly tell them why you are making that choice. My ILs didn't have 'Santa' as part of their traditions (and its not because they were instead all Jesus centered instead: just kind of parsimonious and did barest of minimum.) After first year we didn't celebrate at their house and they and any other family that side was invited to our house. Like you we were also at least for a long time only ones with kids so they were the draw.

Also - I would never put myself in a position where I would say what I would like to add (not supplant) to holidays if I thought I would then be ridiculed or grudgingly accommodated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Are those my only options- stay home or go and don't get to help plan Christmas? I'm genuinely curious.

Well maybe haha. That entirely depends on your DH's family. But I think I'd tell DH the things you'd like to do that are most important (ex: cookies for Santa). Then bring a special plate and mug with you and just DO IT.

If there's something else, like you always have nachos on Xmas Eve and they always have a fancy roast beef, I'd look for other things. Do you want to go look at Xmas lights while they want to watch football? Great! You can do both. Just bundle your kids up and take them to see the lights.

But if your DH's family is ignoring Santa and you have three little kids, I'd re-evaluate why you go there every year. Can you stay home and go to their house on the 26th?

The main thing is getting your DH on board for the things you want to change. Then seeing how receptive your inlaws are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Entitled much? You are invited into someone’s home, fed and bed, and you are mad because you aren’t included in the planning? If you feel strongly about something, host. If you can’t host, be thankful you got an invitation. It’s really hard and expensive to host and you need to stop complaining.

OP if the above is similar to your ILs attitude, please stay home!

Nobody needs to be railroaded by Holiday dictators on Christmas. I can’t stand martyr hosts who simultaneously complain about all the work it entails while shutting down anyone who wants to contribute.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, no say. We just go and they tell us what to do. It happens a lot with younger siblings, and you don't say whether your dh is younger or older. In my family, only the oldest sibling matters, in other families only the daughter or son matters.

In functional families there will be more.compromise and coordinated planning. In dsyfunctional families, it's more authoritarian.

+1

In a functional family, you would say that you'd like to have the kids leave cookies out for Santa, and people would consider whether that contradicted or precluded some other important tradition, realize that it didn't, and say fine. You might volunteer to bring the cookies if they don't have any.

In a functional family, you'd say that you'd really like to make your family's special potatoes for the meal, and the host would think about whether that was wildly inappropriate based on the menu she was planning, realize it wasn't, and say fine. Or she'd say that her family has their own special potato recipe, and ask if there was another dish you'd like to bring.

The people responding that you shouldn't expect any input into celebrating a major holiday with your in-laws come from dysfunctional families. Unless you're asking for big changes to their holiday traditions or demanding rather than discussing, it's totally reasonable to make some suggestions and requests.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Entitled much? You are invited into someone’s home, fed and bed, and you are mad because you aren’t included in the planning? If you feel strongly about something, host. If you can’t host, be thankful you got an invitation. It’s really hard and expensive to host and you need to stop complaining.

OP if the above is similar to your ILs attitude, please stay home!

Nobody needs to be railroaded by Holiday dictators on Christmas. I can’t stand hosting martyrs who simultaneously complain about all the work it entails while shutting down anyone who wants to contribute.

Well, I can elaborate on why I'm pissed (which has nothing to do with the OP and her children's belief in Santa.) I have been used and abused by my inlaws for years and I'm very bitter about it. They iuse our house like it's a party pavilion they rent at the park. They just expect to show up and do whatever they want. And yet they never, ever, ever host anything. hmmmm.

[Anonymous]

Don't most parents talk to their kids about what the grandkids would like to do when they visit, what time to have dinner at and what activities? Especially when kids and grandkids are traveling long distances? I'm not sure why this is inappropriate for the OP to want to do.

[Anonymous]

Your husband should make the suggestions to your in laws. They may not include all of your family’s suggestions, but I would think they would include some. I think in laws who wanted you there would make an effort to make you happy. If not, then stay home and make your own traditions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, no say. We just go and they tell us what to do. It happens a lot with younger siblings, and you don't say whether your dh is younger or older. In my family, only the oldest sibling matters, in other families only the daughter or son matters.

In functional families there will be more.compromise and coordinated planning. In dsyfunctional families, it's more authoritarian.

+1

In a functional family, you would say that you'd like to have the kids leave cookies out for Santa, and people would consider whether that contradicted or precluded some other important tradition, realize that it didn't, and say fine. You might volunteer to bring the cookies if they don't have any.

In a functional family, you'd say that you'd really like to make your family's special potatoes for the meal, and the host would think about whether that was wildly inappropriate based on the menu she was planning, realize it wasn't, and say fine. Or she'd say that her family has their own special potato recipe, and ask if there was another dish you'd like to bring.

The people responding that you shouldn't expect any input into celebrating a major holiday with your in-laws come from dysfunctional families. Unless you're asking for big changes to their holiday traditions or demanding rather than discussing, it's totally reasonable to make some suggestions and requests.

I completely agree with this. Nice normal families can be nice and normal under the same roof. Just one holiday spent with my husband's family was enough to see that they were some wackadoodle power stuff, crazy sibling in-fighting, happening that I didn't want to be a part of. I tread lightly in that house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, no say. We just go and they tell us what to do. It happens a lot with younger siblings, and you don't say whether your dh is younger or older. In my family, only the oldest sibling matters, in other families only the daughter or son matters.

In functional families there will be more.compromise and coordinated planning. In dsyfunctional families, it's more authoritarian.

+1

In a functional family, you would say that you'd like to have the kids leave cookies out for Santa, and people would consider whether that contradicted or precluded some other important tradition, realize that it didn't, and say fine. You might volunteer to bring the cookies if they don't have any.

In a functional family, you'd say that you'd really like to make your family's special potatoes for the meal, and the host would think about whether that was wildly inappropriate based on the menu she was planning, realize it wasn't, and say fine. Or she'd say that her family has their own special potato recipe, and ask if there was another dish you'd like to bring.

The people responding that you shouldn't expect any input into celebrating a major holiday with your in-laws come from dysfunctional families. Unless you're asking for big changes to their holiday traditions or demanding rather than discussing, it's totally reasonable to make some suggestions and requests.

I completely agree with this. Nice normal families can be nice and normal under the same roof. Just one holiday spent with my husband's family was enough to see that they were some wackadoodle power stuff, crazy sibling in-fighting, happening that I didn't want to be a part of. I tread lightly in that house.

Agree. We're still at the point where every holiday is spent going to one of the grandparents homes. Thankfully, both sides are functional and trying to make the best of it so we always get asked if there is anything in particular we want for Thanksgiving or how we'd like to handle Christmas for DD. If either side was super "No, you do what we tell you to do" right down to not allowing cookies for Santa... let's just say we wouldn't be continuing with the 50/50 split we've had for holidays up until now.

My maternal grandmother was like OPs ILs and we only spent one Christmas at her house as children. My parents wanted to give us nice traditions for Christmas and spending the holiday at her house didn't allow for that so she missed out on any of the grandkids spending the holiday with her.

[Anonymous]

Before you accept the invitation, say that you have been missing some holiday traditions/want to start a few new ones, and can you have a discussion before making plans? If they seem open to it, discuss, make a plan, and go. If not, "Well, thank you for your kind invitation, but we're looking forward to making the day special for our kids. Maybe another year!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you stay with family for Christmas, do you get any say? Or do you just defer to what the host wants to do and eat? We have kids and I want to include things that they’d enjoy on Christmas Eve or Christmas, but my ideas get shot down/ there are already other things planned. Even things like leaving cookies for Santa don’t happen.

Talking to friends this seems an issue with inlaws more than parents. Parents only seem to seek their daughter’s advice and never consult their son or son’s wife. My SILs spend days planning the menu with my MIL.

Op, do you realize that "help plan" and "have a say" in your context are wildly different things. Help plan = discuss with host how you could HELP: which dish is not covered yet that you could cook at home and bring, picking up ice or something else on the way, discussing who would supervise kids, help set the table, clean up and dish leftovers. That's helping to plan.

"having a say" in your context is dictating your preferences to the host. In no way this is helpful or related to "help". I don't know your family, and why cookies thing is not practiced by the host. Maybe there are ants in the house or her kids are pre-diabetic. Maybe she has no cleaning service and picking up cookie crumbs all over the house after hosting family Xmas is a bit too much for her. Could be something else. But they are a host, and if they don't want it - as a civilized guest you'll have to respect it.

Please don't kid yourself about being "helpful" with your suggestions. Your whims are yours alone and don't help anybody.

[Anonymous]

Yes. My kids are the only grandkids and my MIL starts in Sept / Oct asking me what the kids will want to do, nap schedules, etc. so that she can start researching activities. My in-laws also ask for a list of the kids’ favorite foods so that they have some on hand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes. My kids are the only grandkids and my MIL starts in Sept / Oct asking me what the kids will want to do, nap schedules, etc. so that she can start researching activities. My in-laws also ask for a list of the kids’ favorite foods so that they have some on hand.

When we are there we help pick up groceries, cook, set the table, clean up, etc. because that’s what normal people do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you stay with family for Christmas, do you get any say? Or do you just defer to what the host wants to do and eat? We have kids and I want to include things that they’d enjoy on Christmas Eve or Christmas, but my ideas get shot down/ there are already other things planned. Even things like leaving cookies for Santa don’t happen.

Talking to friends this seems an issue with inlaws more than parents. Parents only seem to seek their daughter’s advice and never consult their son or son’s wife. My SILs spend days planning the menu with my MIL.

Op, do you realize that "help plan" and "have a say" in your context are wildly different things. Help plan = discuss with host how you could HELP: which dish is not covered yet that you could cook at home and bring, picking up ice or something else on the way, discussing who would supervise kids, help set the table, clean up and dish leftovers. That's helping to plan.

"having a say" in your context is dictating your preferences to the host. In no way this is helpful or related to "help". I don't know your family, and why cookies thing is not practiced by the host. Maybe there are ants in the house or her kids are pre-diabetic. Maybe she has no cleaning service and picking up cookie crumbs all over the house after hosting family Xmas is a bit too much for her. Could be something else. But they are a host, and if they don't want it - as a civilized guest you'll have to respect it.

Please don't kid yourself about being "helpful" with your suggestions. Your whims are yours alone and don't help anybody.

Wow. If your ILs attitude are anything like the above you need to stop making the effort to spend holidays with them. Remember your children deserve to have nice memories of Christmas too, and before you know it they'll be all grown up. If ILs are so dysfunctional that they insist all plans must be dictated by them, you're doing your children a disservice by appeasing them.

Go visit on the 26th and enjoy a beautiful Christmas at home with your children.