Do you help plan Christmas if you don't host?

[Anonymous]

Time to stay home and give your kids Christmas at home. But, no, you don't get a say if you are at someone else's house, that is why you stay home. If Christmas is for kids, your kids are getting shafted out of cozy, stress free Christmas.

[Anonymous]

It does seem that those are your only two choices. They plan with their dd, and you come along. Since they are not more open minded family, why cause yourself this stress? I honestly do not understand this traveling to ILS or your parents for Christmas. I don't understand it so much that when we go to DH's home town, I make Christmas dinner for all, because I want it for my kids and the way I want it. Who can make it comes, who has their own plans, great, do what you like! We have a place there, they all come to us after having mornings and Christmas evening on their own and then we all have a dinner at my place. But, nobody is not allowed to suggest, contribute, etc. SIL will bring her dish that she inherited from her grandma, FIL will bring pies, etc.. But, they did they own thing the night before and in the morning. I am an immigrant, so maybe I don't understand this custom of traveling. And as for that one OP who sleeps at her ILS house within commute distance while her parents stayed alone at her place?! My parents invite my sister's ILS to all holidays, all of them. They even invite my sister's BIL's family, kids and all. But, it is dinner, and what is a big deal about feeding extra people? In my country people actually really enjoy making holidays, but please do leave at a decent hour(of at least by 1am.)

[Anonymous]

Did you specifically ask if you could leave cookies out for Santa and they said NO? Or, did you expect MIL to handle the cookies?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you stay with family for Christmas, do you get any say? Or do you just defer to what the host wants to do and eat? We have kids and I want to include things that they’d enjoy on Christmas Eve or Christmas, but my ideas get shot down/ there are already other things planned. Even things like leaving cookies for Santa don’t happen.

Talking to friends this seems an issue with inlaws more than parents. Parents only seem to seek their daughter’s advice and never consult their son or son’s wife. My SILs spend days planning the menu with my MIL.

Op, do you realize that "help plan" and "have a say" in your context are wildly different things. Help plan = discuss with host how you could HELP: which dish is not covered yet that you could cook at home and bring, picking up ice or something else on the way, discussing who would supervise kids, help set the table, clean up and dish leftovers. That's helping to plan.

"having a say" in your context is dictating your preferences to the host. In no way this is helpful or related to "help". I don't know your family, and why cookies thing is not practiced by the host. Maybe there are ants in the house or her kids are pre-diabetic. Maybe she has no cleaning service and picking up cookie crumbs all over the house after hosting family Xmas is a bit too much for her. Could be something else. But they are a host, and if they don't want it - as a civilized guest you'll have to respect it.

Please don't kid yourself about being "helpful" with your suggestions. Your whims are yours alone and don't help anybody.

If your in-laws are like this, just don't go. Personally, I don't WANT to go to my in-laws for the holidays. They want us to come. Frankly, we are doing them a favor, because I would MUCH rather stay home and have the holiday in my own house. So if me wanting to leave out cookies is such a freaking imposition, then I'll just stay home. Happily.

And "having a say" is not dictating. It's asking and being allowed to have some input in how to celebrate as a family. If there is a real reason that they don't want to do X, then they should say so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did you specifically ask if you could leave cookies out for Santa and they said NO? Or, did you expect MIL to handle the cookies?

This is my question, too.

I get irritated about my in-laws always bringing these massive pickle and crudite trays and weird casseroles so I once made a declaration that my in-laws should NOT bring these foods, we already have plenty. Why? Because nobody eats it and I always have boatloads of leftovers to deal with. Nobody wants to take it home, and we can't eat that much leftover cauliflower. So I get it. However, my fil said the reason he makes this particularly stinky canned oyster casserole is because it's Uncle Bob's favorite, and he's been making it for decades. I'm a reasonable person, so I said "oh, of course you can bring the casserole!"

Op, have you specifically told your in-laws what you want to do? And that YOU will do the extra work?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. In NO WAY am I trying to stomp on their Christmas. Just want to make it child friendly for my kid who believes in Santa. There aren't any other kids, nor will there probably ever be. Just my 3 kids.

Christmas is a big deal to me (as in my desire for my kids to have a good Christmas). Honestly, I would demand a few things or not go. I mean what is the harm in putting out cookies for Santa? If they are not willing to do that, i would assume they will ruin the kids belief in Santa. But you have to figure out what hill you are willing to die on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Entitled much? You are invited into someone’s home, fed and bed, and you are mad because you aren’t included in the planning? If you feel strongly about something, host. If you can’t host, be thankful you got an invitation. It’s really hard and expensive to host and you need to stop complaining.

OP if the above is similar to your ILs attitude, please stay home!

Nobody needs to be railroaded by Holiday dictators on Christmas. I can’t stand hosting martyrs who simultaneously complain about all the work it entails while shutting down anyone who wants to contribute.

Well, I can elaborate on why I'm pissed (which has nothing to do with the OP and her children's belief in Santa.) I have been used and abused by my inlaws for years and I'm very bitter about it. They iuse our house like it's a party pavilion they rent at the park. They just expect to show up and do whatever they want. And yet they never, ever, ever host anything. hmmmm.

But surely you can take a breath and see the difference between your inlaws and a mom asking that they put out cookies for Santa. (Unless the true demand is some sort of special cookie or has to be at some specific time that ruins the other plans)

[Anonymous]

I'd like to hear some other examples of things that you want to do that are shot down besides putting out cookies for santa? It seems ridiculous to me that you would even ask if you could put out milk and cookies for santa, and that your family would say no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Are those my only options- stay home or go and don't get to help plan Christmas? I'm genuinely curious.

Here's an idea. Go to CVS and buy a package of Oreos. Are your in-laws really going to prevent your children from leaving them on a plate by the fireplace along with a note that you have your kids write some time during the day?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you stay with family for Christmas, do you get any say? Or do you just defer to what the host wants to do and eat? We have kids and I want to include things that they’d enjoy on Christmas Eve or Christmas, but my ideas get shot down/ there are already other things planned. Even things like leaving cookies for Santa don’t happen.

Talking to friends this seems an issue with inlaws more than parents. Parents only seem to seek their daughter’s advice and never consult their son or son’s wife. My SILs spend days planning the menu with my MIL.

If I'm a guest, I dont try to take control. I also enjoy hosting and trade off hosting duties with MIL (her daughters are not local, but myself and DH are). If you want to wrestle control then simply host.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd like to hear some other examples of things that you want to do that are shot down besides putting out cookies for santa? It seems ridiculous to me that you would even ask if you could put out milk and cookies for santa, and that your family would say no.

Because like everything, OP is only including the details and spin that fit her narrative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Are those my only options- stay home or go and don't get to help plan Christmas? I'm genuinely curious.

Here's an idea. Go to CVS and buy a package of Oreos. Are your in-laws really going to prevent your children from leaving them on a plate by the fireplace along with a note that you have your kids write some time during the day?

This seems so sad to me.

I can see that the undercurrent of OPs complaint is that she wants to feel valued AND she wants her children to feel valued. She’s putting in so much effort to travel with her family for the holidays, she’s packing, sleeping in uncomfortable beds, dealing with kids schedules being disrupted, packing presents, etc. It sounds like she wants to feel as if a little bit of the holidays is also for her family. The ILs insisting that only their traditions are important shows that her family is no more than an afterthought or a photo prop. OP is looking for validation more than anything. She doesn’t want to sneak off to CVS to buy Oreos when nobody’s looking and put them on a plate by the fireplace when MIL is not looking. That whole scenario is incredibly depressing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Are those my only options- stay home or go and don't get to help plan Christmas? I'm genuinely curious.

Here's an idea. Go to CVS and buy a package of Oreos. Are your in-laws really going to prevent your children from leaving them on a plate by the fireplace along with a note that you have your kids write some time during the day?

This seems so sad to me.

I can see that the undercurrent of OPs complaint is that she wants to feel valued AND she wants her children to feel valued. She’s putting in so much effort to travel with her family for the holidays, she’s packing, sleeping in uncomfortable beds, dealing with kids schedules being disrupted, packing presents, etc. It sounds like she wants to feel as if a little bit of the holidays is also for her family. The ILs insisting that only their traditions are important shows that her family is no more than an afterthought or a photo prop. OP is looking for validation more than anything. She doesn’t want to sneak off to CVS to buy Oreos when nobody’s looking and put them on a plate by the fireplace when MIL is not looking. That whole scenario is incredibly depressing.

You have a very lovely vivid imagination, OP has not mentioned any of this tremendous effort.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Are those my only options- stay home or go and don't get to help plan Christmas? I'm genuinely curious.

Here's an idea. Go to CVS and buy a package of Oreos. Are your in-laws really going to prevent your children from leaving them on a plate by the fireplace along with a note that you have your kids write some time during the day?

This seems so sad to me.

I can see that the undercurrent of OPs complaint is that she wants to feel valued AND she wants her children to feel valued. She’s putting in so much effort to travel with her family for the holidays, she’s packing, sleeping in uncomfortable beds, dealing with kids schedules being disrupted, packing presents, etc. It sounds like she wants to feel as if a little bit of the holidays is also for her family. The ILs insisting that only their traditions are important shows that her family is no more than an afterthought or a photo prop. OP is looking for validation more than anything. She doesn’t want to sneak off to CVS to buy Oreos when nobody’s looking and put them on a plate by the fireplace when MIL is not looking. That whole scenario is incredibly depressing.

You have a very lovely vivid imagination, OP has not mentioned any of this tremendous effort.

Please. She said she’s staying at her ILs for the holidays and her children are young enough to believe in Santa. It’s a given that traveling is inconvenient, stressful and yes, a lot of effort. I have never met anyone who thought it was easy to travel with young children - especially during holidays.

[Anonymous]

I don't get the staying outside your own home for Christmas thing, (and our grandparents are several states away and are free to come whenever they want but we stay home) so take my opinion with a grain of salt.

But, Christmas is first and foremost about the kids. And so they would either meet my requests for certain things (like cookies for Santa) or we would not go. Period.

Second, yes, you're a guest. However, you're also family. So, at least in our family, the formal nature of what "guests are permitted to do or not do" doesn't really apply. There is give and take, and a sort of "all in this together" mentality. We all have different traditions and so try to work those in.

So, no, your inlaws plan would not work for us.