Do you help plan Christmas if you don't host?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Are those my only options- stay home or go and don't get to help plan Christmas? I'm genuinely curious.

Here's an idea. Go to CVS and buy a package of Oreos. Are your in-laws really going to prevent your children from leaving them on a plate by the fireplace along with a note that you have your kids write some time during the day?

This seems so sad to me.

I can see that the undercurrent of OPs complaint is that she wants to feel valued AND she wants her children to feel valued. She’s putting in so much effort to travel with her family for the holidays, she’s packing, sleeping in uncomfortable beds, dealing with kids schedules being disrupted, packing presents, etc. It sounds like she wants to feel as if a little bit of the holidays is also for her family. The ILs insisting that only their traditions are important shows that her family is no more than an afterthought or a photo prop. OP is looking for validation more than anything. She doesn’t want to sneak off to CVS to buy Oreos when nobody’s looking and put them on a plate by the fireplace when MIL is not looking. That whole scenario is incredibly depressing.

You have a very lovely vivid imagination, OP has not mentioned any of this tremendous effort.

Thank you for proving my point about validation.

Like her ILs, you seem keen on minimizing any effort OP makes to accommodate her family. I have small kids. Yes, it is a lot of work to travel for the holidays - even if OP is gracious enough not to complain to her family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't get the staying outside your own home for Christmas thing, (and our grandparents are several states away and are free to come whenever they want but we stay home) so take my opinion with a grain of salt.

But, Christmas is first and foremost about the kids. And so they would either meet my requests for certain things (like cookies for Santa) or we would not go. Period.

Second, yes, you're a guest. However, you're also family. So, at least in our family, the formal nature of what "guests are permitted to do or not do" doesn't really apply. There is give and take, and a sort of "all in this together" mentality. We all have different traditions and so try to work those in.

So, no, your inlaws plan would not work for us.

This. All these people who think that the host is in charge and a guest just has to accept that--is that really how you see your own family? Family coming together for a holiday is not the same as hosting a dinner party. While a guest shouldn't try to insist on things being done their way, neither should the host. Hosts and guests should make a genuine effort to make the holiday enjoyable for everyone, and a willingness to be flexible, make adjustments, and compromise so that the holiday is special and fun.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't get the staying outside your own home for Christmas thing, (and our grandparents are several states away and are free to come whenever they want but we stay home) so take my opinion with a grain of salt.

But, Christmas is first and foremost about the kids. And so they would either meet my requests for certain things (like cookies for Santa) or we would not go. Period.

Second, yes, you're a guest. However, you're also family. So, at least in our family, the formal nature of what "guests are permitted to do or not do" doesn't really apply. There is give and take, and a sort of "all in this together" mentality. We all have different traditions and so try to work those in.

So, no, your inlaws plan would not work for us.

This. All these people who think that the host is in charge and a guest just has to accept that--is that really how you see your own family? Family coming together for a holiday is not the same as hosting a dinner party. While a guest shouldn't try to insist on things being done their way, neither should the host. Hosts and guests should make a genuine effort to make the holiday enjoyable for everyone, and a willingness to be flexible, make adjustments, and compromise so that the holiday is special and fun.

Agree with both PP's!

OP- just tell your in-laws you would like to do certain things this year.
List them.
If they agree, great!
If not, then celebrate at home.

I prefer staying at home for xmas. It's all about the kids and we have so many traditions they adore. You might end up really liking it

[Anonymous]

NP. Just stay home and do Christmas at your home in your own way. Inlaws are welcome to visit (or not) depending on how it fits with your schedule and how well you all mesh together.

I have kids and there's no way I'd travel to other people's houses every year for Christmas, that's ridiculous.

You and your spouse and kids are a complete family. You're allowed to act like it. Really.