Do you help plan Christmas if you don't host?

[Anonymous]

If you stay with family for Christmas, do you get any say? Or do you just defer to what the host wants to do and eat? We have kids and I want to include things that they’d enjoy on Christmas Eve or Christmas, but my ideas get shot down/ there are already other things planned. Even things like leaving cookies for Santa don’t happen.

Talking to friends this seems an issue with inlaws more than parents. Parents only seem to seek their daughter’s advice and never consult their son or son’s wife. My SILs spend days planning the menu with my MIL.

[Anonymous]

Wow. Entitled much? You are invited into someone’s home, fed and bed, and you are mad because you aren’t included in the planning? If you feel strongly about something, host. If you can’t host, be thankful you got an invitation. It’s really hard and expensive to host and you need to stop complaining.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Entitled much? You are invited into someone’s home, fed and bed, and you are mad because you aren’t included in the planning? If you feel strongly about something, host. If you can’t host, be thankful you got an invitation. It’s really hard and expensive to host and you need to stop complaining.

You sound like someone who should not host over the holidays.

A good hostess welcomes other's family traditions.

[Anonymous]

If your ideas get shot down, you're trying and failed. Why keep going somewhere else for Christmas? Why keep repeating what doesn't work? Stay home and have the Christmas you want. It's called being an adult and head of your own family.

[Anonymous]

Then have Christmas at your house, or show up at theirs with your cookies for Santa!

There is always a workaround, and always a price to pay for it, OP. What matters is that you get your way some of the time without completely stomping on other people.

[Anonymous]

One of the things I loved about watching my mom embrace all her new "in law children" was getting to see how she handled new traditions. She actually cast off a lot of our traditions in favor of the new married-ins. Our holidays are different almost every year, which makes sense because the last of 8 grandchildren is only 2 years old.

I think the key to all family harmony around the holidays is flexibility.

That said, if you want to do things differently and your DH's family isn't interested in adapting, take charge of your own holiday and stay home. Make it what you want.

[Anonymous]

OP here. In NO WAY am I trying to stomp on their Christmas. Just want to make it child friendly for my kid who believes in Santa. There aren't any other kids, nor will there probably ever be. Just my 3 kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One of the things I loved about watching my mom embrace all her new "in law children" was getting to see how she handled new traditions. She actually cast off a lot of our traditions in favor of the new married-ins. Our holidays are different almost every year, which makes sense because the last of 8 grandchildren is only 2 years old.

I think the key to all family harmony around the holidays is flexibility.

That said, if you want to do things differently and your DH's family isn't interested in adapting, take charge of your own holiday and stay home. Make it what you want.

That's sweet of you too. I think sister in laws fight the traditions changing more than anyone.

[Anonymous]

Grow up. Have your own Christmas. Guess what --- you get to be parents!!!

[Anonymous]

If you want to dictate the terms - stay at home or in a hotel. Nobody owes to you any whim-catering. You're lucky to be invited with this kind of attitude.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Are those my only options- stay home or go and don't get to help plan Christmas? I'm genuinely curious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Are those my only options- stay home or go and don't get to help plan Christmas? I'm genuinely curious.

NP here - that probably depends on where you're hoping to help plan Christmas. I hope they can welcome your ideas, and now certainly seems like the time to try it out rather than waiting until everyone's expectations are more in place. Can your DH help? Like "leaving cookies out for Santa would be so special for the kids and Jane really wants to do it."

[Anonymous]

No, no say. We just go and they tell us what to do. It happens a lot with younger siblings, and you don't say whether your dh is younger or older. In my family, only the oldest sibling matters, in other families only the daughter or son matters.

In functional families there will be more.compromise and coordinated planning. In dsyfunctional families, it's more authoritarian.

[Anonymous]

What type of things do you want to change or add? I don't see why you can't have the kids put cookies on a plate before bed. I mean, would someone really stop you?? You could bake cookies at home and bring them. I don't think they are obligated to menu plan with you though.

[Anonymous]

If you’re the only ones with kids, I think you should stay home. There are people who only get more set in their ways as they get older. If there are no other kids the siblings have long ago accepted that MIL/FIL set the rules and everyone else just shows up.

As someone who married into the family you’re not going to change this dynamic.

You also don’t have to cater to it.

Don’t go. Stay home this year and have a Christmas you enjoy! I don’t think there’s going to be a middle ground if they’re not even willing to compromise on little things like cookies for Santa.