DW had a panic attack, cancelled her plane ticket and is refusing to go on a planned holiday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Could the weight be a red herring? Is she anxious about leaving for other reasons? Are you leaving kids behind? Is she anxious about taking time off work? I hate to say it, but could there be an AP she wouldn’t be able to communicate with on the trip? Anything beside her body image?

No. I just tried talking to her again.

She said she’s talked about it with the therapist and nothing helps or changes that all she sees is her “bad habits” looking back at her in the mirror.

She’s really unwilling to go. I don’t know what to do. She’s talked with her doctor about medication changes and her doctor told her med changes will not stop the intrusive thoughts.

She says she will just wear a mumu and is inconsolable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Could the weight be a red herring? Is she anxious about leaving for other reasons? Are you leaving kids behind? Is she anxious about taking time off work? I hate to say it, but could there be an AP she wouldn’t be able to communicate with on the trip? Anything beside her body image?

No. I just tried talking to her again.

She said she’s talked about it with the therapist and nothing helps or changes that all she sees is her “bad habits” looking back at her in the mirror.

She’s really unwilling to go. I don’t know what to do. She’s talked with her doctor about medication changes and her doctor told her med changes will not stop the intrusive thoughts.

She says she will just wear a mumu and is inconsolable.

This is untenable. She needs to spend the time she would have spent on the vacation (so sorry, OP) in a inpatient treatment. Work with doctor and counselor to get this set up.

[Anonymous]

You should still go on the vacation if she didn’t cancel your ticket too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Could the weight be a red herring? Is she anxious about leaving for other reasons? Are you leaving kids behind? Is she anxious about taking time off work? I hate to say it, but could there be an AP she wouldn’t be able to communicate with on the trip? Anything beside her body image?

No. I just tried talking to her again.

She said she’s talked about it with the therapist and nothing helps or changes that all she sees is her “bad habits” looking back at her in the mirror.

She’s really unwilling to go. I don’t know what to do. She’s talked with her doctor about medication changes and her doctor told her med changes will not stop the intrusive thoughts.

She says she will just wear a mumu and is inconsolable.

So don't go.

Is she willing to have you attend a therapy session with her, or to go to separate couples counselling / family therapy? Put your time, money, and creative energy to making that happen instead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Could the weight be a red herring? Is she anxious about leaving for other reasons? Are you leaving kids behind? Is she anxious about taking time off work? I hate to say it, but could there be an AP she wouldn’t be able to communicate with on the trip? Anything beside her body image?

No. I just tried talking to her again.

She said she’s talked about it with the therapist and nothing helps or changes that all she sees is her “bad habits” looking back at her in the mirror.

She’s really unwilling to go. I don’t know what to do. She’s talked with her doctor about medication changes and her doctor told her med changes will not stop the intrusive thoughts.

She says she will just wear a mumu and is inconsolable.

No joke, caftans are totally a thing. Even skinny women wear them. My friend has four and takes all of them each time she goes to Palm Springs or anywhere with an outdoor pool.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry this happened, OP, but as someone with anxiety, depression and issues with chasing perfection and beating myself up over failing to do so... I actually can really relate to this. I have never bailed on a vacation, and my concern over following social norms/causing a scene would probably prevent me from doing so... but my flight instinct kicks in based on very similar triggers. I just totally totally empathize with your wife and am so happy it sounds like you are coming from a supportive place.

It’s so easy to look from the outside at others and analyze it... but living it can just be all consuming and overwhelming. I think the last couple weeks have been sober reminders of that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Could the weight be a red herring? Is she anxious about leaving for other reasons? Are you leaving kids behind? Is she anxious about taking time off work? I hate to say it, but could there be an AP she wouldn’t be able to communicate with on the trip? Anything beside her body image?

No. I just tried talking to her again.

She said she’s talked about it with the therapist and nothing helps or changes that all she sees is her “bad habits” looking back at her in the mirror.

She’s really unwilling to go. I don’t know what to do. She’s talked with her doctor about medication changes and her doctor told her med changes will not stop the intrusive thoughts.

She says she will just wear a mumu and is inconsolable.

So don't go.

Is she willing to have you attend a therapy session with her, or to go to separate couples counselling / family therapy? Put your time, money, and creative energy to making that happen instead.

This was my writing.

If she refuses to engage with you in therapy, I think the best option is to just go on with the vacation without her. Be supportive, but don't twist your life entirely around her disorder, and do have what fun she can. Same thing if she goes but refuses to leave the hotel room: "Honey, I love you, and I'm heading off to the beach. I hope you find something to do that you like, and I look forward to seeing you at dinner."

Honestly, if she wants mroe than that, do it in therapy. There is precious little hope of not being sucked into the vortex if a spouse has severe mental help problems. You can love thm and be supportive, but you can't fix them. And you don't do them favors by trying to chase an illusory moment when you care enough, or say exactly the right things in the right order. You just have to go on and do your best, and take care of yourself if you stay in the relationship.

[Anonymous]

^^ do have what fun YOU can

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Could the weight be a red herring? Is she anxious about leaving for other reasons? Are you leaving kids behind? Is she anxious about taking time off work? I hate to say it, but could there be an AP she wouldn’t be able to communicate with on the trip? Anything beside her body image?

No. I just tried talking to her again.

She said she’s talked about it with the therapist and nothing helps or changes that all she sees is her “bad habits” looking back at her in the mirror.

She’s really unwilling to go. I don’t know what to do. She’s talked with her doctor about medication changes and her doctor told her med changes will not stop the intrusive thoughts.

She says she will just wear a mumu and is inconsolable.

No joke, caftans are totally a thing. Even skinny women wear them. My friend has four and takes all of them each time she goes to Palm Springs or anywhere with an outdoor pool.

I was about to say the same thing but didn't want to sound insensitive. Could she psych herself into the trip if she did wear a mumu?

I don't know how serious this is. Is she having an actual nervous breakdown? I hope not. Sorry either way.

[Anonymous]

OP, how long has she had mental problems?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^ do have what fun YOU can

What? OP, please don’t do this. I have been in your wife’s shoes and would have done something drastic if my dh left.

[Anonymous]

Don't go. I guarantee you that even if she changes her mind and goes you will not have fun. Get some credit instead for supporting her in her decision. Not because you agree her body looks bad but because you agree that it's her decision to make.

[Anonymous]

I’ve been where your wife is about vacations. Truth is, I needed a very plausible excuse, something that was true but, of course, not the whole story. In my case it was ski trips: I could plausibly claim I was afraid of injury but the whole story was that I didn’t want to be with him, didn’t want to be in a situation where sex would be expected. I was no longer attracted to him and my anxiety was all about the marriage. Your wife may not be like me whatsoever, but I think it is worth having a purely honest, no hurt feelings or judgments allowed, conversation with her.

Looking back (after divorce) I could have fallen back in love with him if I could have been honest about my feelings about him. I wished we could have been celibate for a while and re-connected, I’m certain the attraction would have flourished. He’s very sexually attractive to me now that the burden of his expectations and demands around sex has been removed. However, in his case, he would never have agreed to drop the expectations. He believed sex equaled intimacy. I believed honesty, trust, laughter and affection equaled intimacy, followed by sex. He couldn’t tolerate that complexity. Divorce was inevitable.

[Anonymous]

I am fat but I still have a great time on vacation. I feel terrible about being fat and I hate shopping for clothes too, but canceling a plane ticket seems way beyond. I did cry once and apologize to my DH before we left for the beach.

Can you just get the plane ticket back? Maybe she's calmed down?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't go. I guarantee you that even if she changes her mind and goes you will not have fun. Get some credit instead for supporting her in her decision. Not because you agree her body looks bad but because you agree that it's her decision to make.

So their life should be driven by his wife's perception of her body. What if she decides she never wants to go out again because she hates how she looks - OP needs ot support her decisions and just stay home? Why does she single handedly get to make decisions about THEIR vacation and his only role is to support her in whatever she wants.

This level of enabling is unhealthy.

OP, Iw ould go without her. If she is too unwell to go, then she can go into inpatient treatment or stay with parents.

If this was a man saying he was cancelling his wife's vacation because of his depression / anxiety no one would be telling his wife to sit at home with him and support him in that decision.