DW had a panic attack, cancelled her plane ticket and is refusing to go on a planned holiday.

[Anonymous]

I honestly don’t know what to do.

DW and I have had a couples trip planned for two months now. DW went shopping today for clothes for the trip. She calls me after 3 hours, says she hasn’t found a single thing. She’s crying and says she cancelled her plane ticket and the thought of going on vacation and showing her body is the last thing she wants to do. We’re going to an all inclusive resort in Mexico.

DW is 5’2, 128lbs. She’s been trying unsuccessfully to lose the last 10lbs for a few months now but keeps yo-yoing.

I checked my email and sure enough, she’s cancelled her ticket. I don’t know what to do. I told her she looks beautiful and she said it doesn’t matter what I think (ouch), that if she doesn’t feel good about herself she doesn’t want to go

[Anonymous]

This is the time for an intervention and not a vacation.

[Anonymous]

She needs a mental health counselor. Seriously, she is not in a healthy place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She needs a mental health counselor. Seriously, she is not in a healthy place.

She has a counselor. This happened after her therapy appointment today. She’s on anxiety meds and has a prescription for Xanax.

She’s not normally like this at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is the time for an intervention and not a vacation.

This.

Your wife has mental health issues and needs therapy. This isn't normal behavior.

I still haven't lost the last 20 lbs of baby weight, but I still went on vacation. That's why there's an entire industry dedicated to swim cover-ups.

[Anonymous]

I agree - she needs therapy to deal with why she bases her self worth on her looks. And you - I'm so sorry about your vacation.

[Anonymous]

I get this kind of thing from my DW (5'9, size 0 or 2) all the time. I feel bad for her, and tell her how beautiful and sexy I think she is. Fortunately, she's never shown any unhealthy eating / purging habits, just depression around every perceived flaw.

I find the better body a woman has, often the more sensitive they are about not being perfect. She's never cancelled a plane ticket or refused a vacation, though (even if she did complain endlessly about not wanting to wear a bathing suit).

[Anonymous]

You've got bigger problems than a canceled vacation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get this kind of thing from my DW (5'9, size 0 or 2) all the time. I feel bad for her, and tell her how beautiful and sexy I think she is. Fortunately, she's never shown any unhealthy eating / purging habits, just depression around every perceived flaw.

I find the better body a woman has, often the more sensitive they are about not being perfect. She's never cancelled a plane ticket or refused a vacation, though (even if she did complain endlessly about not wanting to wear a bathing suit).

Are you sure about her not having an eating disorder?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She needs a mental health counselor. Seriously, she is not in a healthy place.

She has a counselor. This happened after her therapy appointment today. She’s on anxiety meds and has a prescription for Xanax.

She’s not normally like this at all.

You or she need to call the counselor and tell them whatever they are doing is not enough, and tell them she canceled a vacation because of her BODY. That is crazy. She either needs more intensive therapy or to up her meds.

I'm fat. I have a dress and a skirt and a swimsuit and swim shorts. You know what? I look fat all the time - no matter what I'm wearing. But looks are not the most important thing about me. I'm kind, I'm smart, I'm compassionate, I'm funny, I'm nurturing.

[Anonymous]

The vacation isn't the primary issue. It's a shame about any lost funds, but the important thing is your wife.

Sounds like she is in a pretty bad space. She needs you to help her, even if you cannot do it directly. Does she have a history of panic attacks, or is she generally anxious? Regardless, she needs help from a professional to sort through this. It sounds like it is having a major impact on her life.

Anxiety, panic attacks, and body image issues usually don't get better on their own. It's a fine line to walk between offering support and yet not just enabling her world to get smaller and smaller as the anxiety tightens its hold. It's often a self-reinforcing process -- you shut down and cancel plans, so you try less and do less, so you are more easily overwhelmed by stepping outside your safe space, and so your world can get smaller and smaller.

You don't have to fix this. You do have to help her, and that means making some move forward toward health and balance, even if you aren't involved.

[Anonymous]

PS: Just caught up. Then her counselor and prescribing physician need tobe involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get this kind of thing from my DW (5'9, size 0 or 2) all the time. I feel bad for her, and tell her how beautiful and sexy I think she is. Fortunately, she's never shown any unhealthy eating / purging habits, just depression around every perceived flaw.

I find the better body a woman has, often the more sensitive they are about not being perfect. She's never cancelled a plane ticket or refused a vacation, though (even if she did complain endlessly about not wanting to wear a bathing suit).

Are you sure about her not having an eating disorder?

+1 5'9" and size 0 is a very rare natural combination in the world, especially if PP's wife is over 25. Combined with obsessing over being thin, it raises red flags.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get this kind of thing from my DW (5'9, size 0 or 2) all the time. I feel bad for her, and tell her how beautiful and sexy I think she is. Fortunately, she's never shown any unhealthy eating / purging habits, just depression around every perceived flaw.

I find the better body a woman has, often the more sensitive they are about not being perfect. She's never cancelled a plane ticket or refused a vacation, though (even if she did complain endlessly about not wanting to wear a bathing suit).

5’9” and size 0 is model thin, but not necessarily a “better body”. Are you sure you aren’t contributing to her insecurities with your own beauty standards?

[Anonymous]

Could the weight be a red herring? Is she anxious about leaving for other reasons? Are you leaving kids behind? Is she anxious about taking time off work? I hate to say it, but could there be an AP she wouldn’t be able to communicate with on the trip? Anything beside her body image?