Reply to DW can't manage or handle her aging dad.

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]She needs to become the adult. The decision-making adult. He does not get to dictate the terms. She has to be willing to not be liked. To keep him safe, and to get appropriate help, she has to be willing to not be liked, to not be loved. And this is what adults do. They do what needs to be done.

Op, you give us very little useful information. Where is Dad living? What assistance does he need, who helps him w/ dressing, eating, medication/mobility? What exactly is it he needs?[/quote]

Dad lives in an assisted living large community. He is only there because DW's late mom made that decision to move a few years back. Incredibly Ironic, because he does not utilize most of resources available to him onsite. I think 2/3 of what he "needs" is companionship and emotional unloading. This is what kills my wife. Watching him give up, complain, plan his funeral. 1/3 to 1/2 is physical, depending on the day. She has had to deal with bathroom issues, transport to doctors, errand running, and so on.

I repeat- he was completely hands off for all of this for his own parents. Outsourced it all to paid help and my wife.[/quote]

OP, just because your wife is an adult, that doesn't necessarily mean she is not vulnerable to emotional manipulation and guilt trips. Some elderly people enjoy ordering around or just plain old abusing younger relatives, especially their kids. They have the funds to hire someone to clean their home, for example, but for whatever reason would just rather make their adult son or daughter go out of their way to do all the cleaning. Using the resources onsite means not calling his daughter to prove her love on a daily basis. It means having to find other things to do with himself, maybe play cards in the senior rec room, take a long walk, read a book-- all by himself. Perhaps it's a test of loyalty and devotion. Is there a big inheritance involved?

[/quote]

I know someone in this situation. Don't know about inheritance, but this family I know is 100% enmeshed. Narcissist elder piling on the guilt trips.[/quote]

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