Husband threatening to bail out of summer vacation unless I "make an effort"

[Anonymous]

OP if you suspect you have a specific condition (dyspraxia), then go see a doctor and get diagnosed. Your husband (and other people) will take you a lot more seriously if that's the case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are old enough to be married and live in the burbs. You have license. My guess is the the husband is frustrated that thir quality of life is diminished because OP doesn’t drive. Does OP work out of the house and take public transportation? Is Op a SAH mom? The H goes on every shopping trip because the Op won’t drive? Spending more money on Uber’s? How do the kids get around to stuff in the burbs? Is the H anticipating these issues down the road? I really doubt OPs Post is the whole story here. Lots of people seem quick to condemn the guy with few facts.

+1 REALLY good points PP!!

[Anonymous]

Being responsible for all the driving and all the navigating on a road trip can be quite stressful. I did a road trip with a friend - as it turned out she couldn't drive for various reasons - it was extremely stressful trying to navigate tiny European streets with scooters zipping all around, while she napped and dozed.

In addition, you need to be rested and the other person doesn't so it changes when you want to go to sleep / get up etc. If the driver is also responsible for finding gas stations and managing everything related to the car, it is a lot of extra work.

If you aren't going to drive OP, then you show an effort to take over the navigating and all other car related things. You should always know where you are and where you are headed, where the nearest gas station is. You should ask what he finds helpful (some people like being given a heads up about an upcoming turn, some people like someone to double check blind spots). Basically you need to be an active help in the car.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I'm a full-time researcher and DH is retired. He is the kind to fall asleep in his chair at 8pm so while I don't think I'm depriving him of anything just because I'm too scared of driving. I think he's using this vacation as some kind of leverage. Two weeks ago, he threatened to cancel his flight reservations because I hadn't started planning stuff. So now that everything is booked and ready to go, it's more of a loss to me if he doesn't come along.

[Anonymous]

OP, if you're a full-time researcher, then you're probably well-educated. If you think you have some type of ailment, why not see a doctor instead of self-diagnosing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wrong side of the road is British Isles only. Good God PP, don't drive in France or Germany.

Why not? I always had an easier time of driving in Europe than I do over here. The drivers are much more courteous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Being responsible for all the driving and all the navigating on a road trip can be quite stressful. I did a road trip with a friend - as it turned out she couldn't drive for various reasons - it was extremely stressful trying to navigate tiny European streets with scooters zipping all around, while she napped and dozed.

In addition, you need to be rested and the other person doesn't so it changes when you want to go to sleep / get up etc. If the driver is also responsible for finding gas stations and managing everything related to the car, it is a lot of extra work.

If you aren't going to drive OP, then you show an effort to take over the navigating and all other car related things. You should always know where you are and where you are headed, where the nearest gas station is. You should ask what he finds helpful (some people like being given a heads up about an upcoming turn, some people like someone to double check blind spots). Basically you need to be an active help in the car.

Yes, I did all the navigating when we were on the road in Europe last year. This isn't about driving in Europe because it's going to be train travel throughout. He says he wants me to know driving directions and to drive. He's accusing me of lack of effort when I have really tried very very hard. I've gone through driving school twice, practiced with my yoga teacher, signed up for Zipcar which I never ended up using because I didn't have a practice partner with me then. Drove with him multiple times and while I improve, I also de-prove and it makes him so mad. I've ended up crying before in the car with him and I don't want to end up causing a worse accident.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you're a full-time researcher, then you're probably well-educated. If you think you have some type of ailment, why not see a doctor instead of self-diagnosing?

I don't know where to start, and I didn't know there are OTs for dyspraxia. I've told him about it before and he wrote me off calling me a hypochondriac.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm a full-time researcher and DH is retired. He is the kind to fall asleep in his chair at 8pm so while I don't think I'm depriving him of anything just because I'm too scared of driving. I think he's using this vacation as some kind of leverage. Two weeks ago, he threatened to cancel his flight reservations because I hadn't started planning stuff. So now that everything is booked and ready to go, it's more of a loss to me if he doesn't come along.

How often does he have to drive you around?

[Anonymous]

I'm also married to someone who fights below the belt, and who has threatened really unfair things. First, be clear that you do not accept that kind of behavior from him. Second, explain you are willing to make an effort but that it won't mean you will be able to drive safely in Europe this summer.

In your case, driving lessons will do two things:

1. They WILL ameliorate your driving, which is a critical skill. My son has spatial awareness and other disabilities, and has needed extensive practice for things that come naturally to other people. The number of hours of driving lessons he will need will probably be astronomical!

2. They will show that you are making a genuine effort, and that will give you leverage in your conflict.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re being a complete brat. I don’t really enjoy driving either, especially in unfamiliar places or big cities, but no one really does. It’s completely unfair for you to expect ALL of the driving responsibilities to fall on your DH. Get it together. You’re an adult, act like it. “But OMG I hit a pole because I am just sooooooo clumsy!!!” is not an excuse, princess.

+10000

[Anonymous]

He’s tired of driving you everywhere. I would be, too.

Either just make the effort and start practicing again, or go on vacation by yourself. If he screams at you like you claim, he’s probably not that fun on vacation anyway. Either way, you win.

This is not that hard.

[Anonymous]

And OP,

With that kind of person, don't be afraid of fighting dirty. You have to show him you're not a doormat either. One day, you will have to call his bluff: let him cancel, and go on vacation without him.

My point is that he needs to understand you are independent from him, and that whatever he threatens, you will be able to find an alternative that makes you happy.
(So learn to drive better!)

This is something I've learned from personal experience.

[Anonymous]

OP, I feel you. It’s not fair for him to make you drive in a country where you’re not comfortable and may or may not have different rules, especially while you’re trying to navigate. He’s taking a weakness (which we ALL Have) and is using it as leverage against you or to control you, which is a really terrible thing to do.

I hate driving, and like you, I think I have dyspraxia or something as I feel like I don’t “see” what other drivers do. I walk or transit everywhere, and it works for us. Yes, DH has to come or get the groceries if there are big items, but they are OUR groceries, so he can help.
C
We travel to Europe with DH And his parents (all three are from there), and DH insists upon doing all the driving as it can be confusing and stressful, plus they use a lot of cameras, so you have to be confident and aware. I navigate as much as I can to help him.

I’m sorry that more people on here don’t get how truly petrifying it is to drive when you have a reason to not feel comfortable. It’s not a “I don’t like it” - it’s an actual realization that you are unsafe. Forcing someone under these conditions is cruel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I feel you. It’s not fair for him to make you drive in a country where you’re not comfortable and may or may not have different rules, especially while you’re trying to navigate. He’s taking a weakness (which we ALL Have) and is using it as leverage against you or to control you, which is a really terrible thing to do.

I hate driving, and like you, I think I have dyspraxia or something as I feel like I don’t “see” what other drivers do. I walk or transit everywhere, and it works for us. Yes, DH has to come or get the groceries if there are big items, but they are OUR groceries, so he can help.
C
We travel to Europe with DH And his parents (all three are from there), and DH insists upon doing all the driving as it can be confusing and stressful, plus they use a lot of cameras, so you have to be confident and aware. I navigate as much as I can to help him.

I’m sorry that more people on here don’t get how truly petrifying it is to drive when you have a reason to not feel comfortable. It’s not a “I don’t like it” - it’s an actual realization that you are unsafe. Forcing someone under these conditions is cruel.

+a million.