Husband threatening to bail out of summer vacation unless I "make an effort"

[Anonymous]

It sounds like he is frustrated because you don't drive. That would make just about any husband crazy.

[Anonymous]

So you have no kids?

[Anonymous]

So he has to go shopping for groceries, run all the errands, drive everywhere. Even if you need a hair cut? Do you work? You take public transportation or are your SAH? God, what a leech!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being responsible for all the driving and all the navigating on a road trip can be quite stressful. I did a road trip with a friend - as it turned out she couldn't drive for various reasons - it was extremely stressful trying to navigate tiny European streets with scooters zipping all around, while she napped and dozed.

In addition, you need to be rested and the other person doesn't so it changes when you want to go to sleep / get up etc. If the driver is also responsible for finding gas stations and managing everything related to the car, it is a lot of extra work.

If you aren't going to drive OP, then you show an effort to take over the navigating and all other car related things. You should always know where you are and where you are headed, where the nearest gas station is. You should ask what he finds helpful (some people like being given a heads up about an upcoming turn, some people like someone to double check blind spots). Basically you need to be an active help in the car.

Yes, I did all the navigating when we were on the road in Europe last year. This isn't about driving in Europe because it's going to be train travel throughout. He says he wants me to know driving directions and to drive. He's accusing me of lack of effort when I have really tried very very hard. I've gone through driving school twice, practiced with my yoga teacher, signed up for Zipcar which I never ended up using because I didn't have a practice partner with me then. Drove with him multiple times and while I improve, I also de-prove and it makes him so mad. I've ended up crying before in the car with him and I don't want to end up causing a worse accident.

You sound like an insufferable child. Expecting a grown ass woman to be able drive isn't much to ask. Your yoga teacher?!?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get some professional driving lessons

I agree you should do this regardless of the vacatio; however, if you’re going to be driving in Europe you’ll need to be comfortable driving on the right side of the vehicle and the wrong side of the road. No American driving lesson is going to get you comfortable enough for that.

Your husband is a jerk.

Why? Only the UK and Ireland drive on the left.

[Anonymous]

Ignore the haters, OP, but consider that you might have inattentive ADHD, which could explain ALL your little quirks. ADHD meds are very efficient, which is why I'm bringing this up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being responsible for all the driving and all the navigating on a road trip can be quite stressful. I did a road trip with a friend - as it turned out she couldn't drive for various reasons - it was extremely stressful trying to navigate tiny European streets with scooters zipping all around, while she napped and dozed.

In addition, you need to be rested and the other person doesn't so it changes when you want to go to sleep / get up etc. If the driver is also responsible for finding gas stations and managing everything related to the car, it is a lot of extra work.

If you aren't going to drive OP, then you show an effort to take over the navigating and all other car related things. You should always know where you are and where you are headed, where the nearest gas station is. You should ask what he finds helpful (some people like being given a heads up about an upcoming turn, some people like someone to double check blind spots). Basically you need to be an active help in the car.

Yes, I did all the navigating when we were on the road in Europe last year. This isn't about driving in Europe because it's going to be train travel throughout. He says he wants me to know driving directions and to drive. He's accusing me of lack of effort when I have really tried very very hard. I've gone through driving school twice, practiced with my yoga teacher, signed up for Zipcar which I never ended up using because I didn't have a practice partner with me then. Drove with him multiple times and while I improve, I also de-prove and it makes him so mad. I've ended up crying before in the car with him and I don't want to end up causing a worse accident.

Practiced with your yoga teacher? You're weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being responsible for all the driving and all the navigating on a road trip can be quite stressful. I did a road trip with a friend - as it turned out she couldn't drive for various reasons - it was extremely stressful trying to navigate tiny European streets with scooters zipping all around, while she napped and dozed.

In addition, you need to be rested and the other person doesn't so it changes when you want to go to sleep / get up etc. If the driver is also responsible for finding gas stations and managing everything related to the car, it is a lot of extra work.

If you aren't going to drive OP, then you show an effort to take over the navigating and all other car related things. You should always know where you are and where you are headed, where the nearest gas station is. You should ask what he finds helpful (some people like being given a heads up about an upcoming turn, some people like someone to double check blind spots). Basically you need to be an active help in the car.

Yes, I did all the navigating when we were on the road in Europe last year. This isn't about driving in Europe because it's going to be train travel throughout. He says he wants me to know driving directions and to drive. He's accusing me of lack of effort when I have really tried very very hard. I've gone through driving school twice, practiced with my yoga teacher, signed up for Zipcar which I never ended up using because I didn't have a practice partner with me then. Drove with him multiple times and while I improve, I also de-prove and it makes him so mad. I've ended up crying before in the car with him and I don't want to end up causing a worse accident.

Practiced with your yoga teacher? You're weird.

She practiced with someone she knows and trusts. Does that make it better for you? She’s not weird - she has a phobia or weakness. He’ll, she probably does yoga but you don’t.

Go away, troll.

Op, good for you for knowing your limitations. Stick by them, to keep others safe.

[Anonymous]

Why don't you just move to the city? Problem solved.

[Anonymous]

OP - a lot of folks above are assuming he’s insisting you drive before the trip because he expects you to drive on the trip, but you never said that. I agree gocen your inexperience on vacation would not be ideal for your practice, but that aside I think you either have to improve your driving or be prepared for a diminished quality of life. If you H is retired, ÍA assuming you are at least in your 50s or maybe your 60s. What will you do if your H becomes ill and cannot drive. My sister started driving in her 50s and 60s because her older husband developed cateracts. You can sell your car and pay for Uber’s everywhere, but you probably won’t enjoy that dependency more than driving. Sign up for lessons with I Drive Smart - they are all former cops who teach all the scared 16 year olds. It really sounds to me like he is giving you ultimatums about driving out of frustration. But when you reported the prior ultimatum about the vacation planning, it makes me think there is also more going on here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: however, if you’re going to be driving in Europe you’ll need to be comfortable driving on the right side of the vehicle and the wrong side of the road.

Only 4 EU countries out of 27 drive on the left side of the road. The vast majority drive on the right side like we do here in the US.

Oh my gosh, you people are missing the point and going off on tangents about petty driving rules in various European countries. Clearly the issue is the DH is so frustrated with OP that he's using their upcoming European trip as an ultimatum for OP to do something about her problem OR at least show an effort - and we wise ones at DCUM - have suggested driving classes, medication, seeing a specialist, therapy, etc.

Still waiting on OP to report back and give some background. Surely her DH has known she doesn't drive for awhile. Was this part of the package deal when they got married? Did she promise him she'd learn to drive safely, but never followed through and that's why he's so burnt out, annoyed, and angry?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are old enough to be married and live in the burbs. You have license. My guess is the the husband is frustrated that thir quality of life is diminished because OP doesn’t drive. Does OP work out of the house and take public transportation? Is Op a SAH mom? The H goes on every shopping trip because the Op won’t drive? Spending more money on Uber’s? How do the kids get around to stuff in the burbs? Is the H anticipating these issues down the road? I really doubt OPs Post is the whole story here. Lots of people seem quick to condemn the guy with few facts.

+1 team DH.

[Anonymous]

Are you another Entitled American female that you have to be chauffeured? Get off your duff and get better at driving. Like he said: Make an effort. Something you apparently don’t feel it necessary to do.

[Anonymous]

Maybe best to plan trips where you don’t have to drive; the European river cruises, guided tours with transportation included, or sometime can arrange a local person to be your driver so you don’t have to deal with that stress at all. Or stay somewhere walkable with public transit (we did well in Dublin doing this). We rented a car in Ireland and I would never again drive in a country where they drive in the opposite lanes; it’s hard not to reflexively turn into the wrong lane turning onto a different street at an intersection. Big highways were okay as hard to go wrong, but local roads were very stressful. I can understand he may not enjoy trips where he spends a lot of his days driving on strange roads with unfamiliar navigation. Seems could be reasonable work arounds for that and still enjoy some nice trips together.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I grew up in another country and moved here to be with him. I wasn't able to legally practise driving until I received my GC so neither of us really knew how bad I was until we started practising for me to get my license. I also think he never knew anyone as uncoordinated as me before in his life. I asked him earlier if he was thinking of leaving me over this and he didn't answer. Now I'm really depressed. To those who ask how often he has to drive, it's twice a week in the mornings and we do 2-3 grocery stops throughout the week. He keeps on saying that I need to drive just in case there's an emergency. I've never heard of anyone dying because they couldn't drive somewhere. Rather, I don't want anyone to die because of me driving.