DH sent his parents money without discussing first

[Anonymous]

I would let this on issue drop. But I'd open a larger discussion about how he thinks about finances and his parents. It's tough stuff. But since his finances are now yours, you all need to agree.

My family is well off, from aggressive saving and budgeting. Both my parents grew up lower middle class to poor. My DH's family struggles, because they spend money unwisely.

My DH and I had to have a lot of tough conversations about money and his family. I wanted to be clear that my priority was our family financial goals. I would not be taking money away from my own children to fund his parents or his sister's bad choices. It was sticky at time. But through a lot of conversations we came to a good place.

You two need to talk about future spending and get on the same page.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So work it out with your husband.

Can you be my life coach? You are brilliant. So insightful!

The OP is pissed because her husband did something without discussing it with her first but what is she doing in response... Venting her personal problems on social media seeking advice from strangers without discussing it with him first. Do two wrongs make a right?

Isn't that 90% of this forum?

you are spending your days making snarky comments on social media. I don't think you have much room for judgement

Lol - hey my marriage isn't the one on the brink of collapse over some bullshit like the OP's is and the many others who spend their days posting about their gripes, grievances, problems and predicaments because apparently they can't function or make a decision without consulting with the Anonymous Advisory Committee (i.e. commenters like you and me). So seeing how we're in the same boat with regard to making recommendations and the OP is in a own sinking ship I think I've got just as much room to make appraisals as you.

Where do you get that from OP's post?
And way to dig you heels in with the attitude. keep it coming - it's my rainy day entertainment.

It's my pleasure to amuse and inspire - and to answer your query, I got it from the typical temperament of posters complaining about simple shit like this...they act like the apocalypse is upon us and their whole world is on the brink of disaster. Why the OP couldn't come up with the idea herself that maybe it'd be a good idea to talk to her husband and work it out is beyond me but hey...its my rainy day entertainment too.

[Anonymous]

You people marry pathetic men. You aren't in a marriage, you're raising another child. How can you so called smart women marry such defective men ?

To the OP, I'd be upset too. There's something else going on. I could buy a kitchen full of appliances cheap. If they both work they can buy one at a time.

Are you sure that's where the money is going ? Call them and ask what they need.

Just saying but we bought my BIL a new stove and a new refrigerator online and had it delivered for free to another state. We paid online. Why ? Because BIL likes to gamble and if anyone is going to waste my money it will be me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So work it out with your husband.

Can you be my life coach? You are brilliant. So insightful!

The OP is pissed because her husband did something without discussing it with her first but what is she doing in response... Venting her personal problems on social media seeking advice from strangers without discussing it with him first. Do two wrongs make a right?

Isn't that 90% of this forum?

you are spending your days making snarky comments on social media. I don't think you have much room for judgement

Lol - hey my marriage isn't the one on the brink of collapse over some bullshit like the OP's is and the many others who spend their days posting about their gripes, grievances, problems and predicaments because apparently they can't function or make a decision without consulting with the Anonymous Advisory Committee (i.e. commenters like you and me). So seeing how we're in the same boat with regard to making recommendations and the OP is in a own sinking ship I think I've got just as much room to make appraisals as you.

Ok drama queen. OP didn't say her marriage was "on the brink of collapse." FFS. Do you never complain or vent? I doubt it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Apparently his parents appliances have broken and they can't afford to cover the cost. They both work. So DH sent a few hundred to his mom. We are in our late 20s early 30s. Trying to save for a house, kids, move...we both work full-time and have side gigs to bring in as much income as possible right now. His parents live way beyond their means. And his dad refuses to get a better job because its beneath him. While he works a commission based job and brings in crap. I hate that I'm so upset by this but I am. My mom raised us a single immigrant parent with no degree, and saved religiously. She would never ask her kids for money and these two college educated adults can't seem to make it work?

I've had similar issues with my in laws and their financially irresponsibility. You should treat this as a blessing in disguise. Why? Because it has given you the opportunity to broach this subject with your DH before the requests get outlandish (which if they don't have money for some appliances while they are both working, I doubt they have enough saved for retirement). Your family (I.e. You and your DH) must be number one. His money is your money and your money is his so you both have the right to feel comfortable with each other's financial choices. Just reading this, I suspect that since it was only a couple hundred dollars, DH didn't think it was such a big deal and that's why he didn't clear it with you. If that is the case, as a pp noted, you guys need to establish what the threshold amount is for getting permission from the other spouse. Surely, you would expect him to let you know when he spends $8 on food or something like that.

I would be curious to know what the appliances are and why they couldn't make due until they could afford to replace it. Replacing a stove quickly is one thing but getting a new dishwasher rather than hand washing is another.

[Anonymous]

*wouldn't expect

[Anonymous]

*make do

Damn, cell phone!

[Anonymous]

I have been in this situation, sending my parents money without telling my partner. We had separate accounts so I didn't feel the need to. I also get embarrassed because they are bad with money, live above their means, spend poorly, etc. He can be a little judgey too which isn't helpful. And sometimes I told my husband when I was sending money- I never asked because my mind was made up anyway.

You guys should discuss it but just letting you know what he may be thinking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have a serious talk with your H. You need to set ground rules from here on out. It could be a few hundred now, and a couple thousand later, if his parents are poor with budgeting and spending.

+1. Best thing we ever did was have a financial planner make projections based on different income and spending scenarios.

[Anonymous]

It's not as big of a deal as you make it. It is a few hundred. You going on about it will make it a topic that will never go away. You probably would have gone nuts and said no, hence he didn't tell you. Does he normally goes over any additional expenses with you? If he normally does, then there is nothing to worry about, apart from the fact that he was uncomfortable talking to you about this situation. If he normally shows up at home with a brand new TV, car, appliances... then that is something you need to worry about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So work it out with your husband.

Can you be my life coach? You are brilliant. So insightful!

The OP is pissed because her husband did something without discussing it with her first but what is she doing in response... Venting her personal problems on social media seeking advice from strangers without discussing it with him first. Do two wrongs make a right?

Isn't that 90% of this forum?

you are spending your days making snarky comments on social media. I don't think you have much room for judgement

Lol - hey my marriage isn't the one on the brink of collapse over some bullshit like the OP's is and the many others who spend their days posting about their gripes, grievances, problems and predicaments because apparently they can't function or make a decision without consulting with the Anonymous Advisory Committee (i.e. commenters like you and me). So seeing how we're in the same boat with regard to making recommendations and the OP is in a own sinking ship I think I've got just as much room to make appraisals as you.

Ok drama queen. OP didn't say her marriage was "on the brink of collapse." FFS. Do you never complain or vent? I doubt it.

Well life is suffering so we all experience feelings of dislike, worry or pain perpetually throughout our lives but when it comes to venting I'm not one to immediately jump online and ask assistance for every little problem or predicament thinking that the only answer to my issues is to rummage thru random recommendations and take strangers advice on how to live my life...
But then again I'm a drama queen so I guess nothing I do is "typical".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Apparently his parents appliances have broken and they can't afford to cover the cost. They both work. So DH sent a few hundred to his mom. We are in our late 20s early 30s. Trying to save for a house, kids, move...we both work full-time and have side gigs to bring in as much income as possible right now. His parents live way beyond their means. And his dad refuses to get a better job because its beneath him. While he works a commission based job and brings in crap. I hate that I'm so upset by this but I am. My mom raised us a single immigrant parent with no degree, and saved religiously. She would never ask her kids for money and these two college educated adults can't seem to make it work?

The very fact that he did not tell you until after he did it, tells you he knows it was wrong of him.

And it was wrong of him. Have a nice, civil talk and set some basic rules for your money donations. It's one thing if there is a true emergency or disability in the family (and even then there are programs that can help fund it), but not this sort of stuff or living beyond their budget. You both have a lot of goals, including saving your hard-earned money, and he needs to get his priorities right.

Any chance he is from one of those Asian or Mideast cultures where you always put Mom and Dede first, your whole life?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Apparently his parents appliances have broken and they can't afford to cover the cost. They both work. So DH sent a few hundred to his mom. We are in our late 20s early 30s. Trying to save for a house, kids, move...we both work full-time and have side gigs to bring in as much income as possible right now. His parents live way beyond their means. And his dad refuses to get a better job because its beneath him. While he works a commission based job and brings in crap. I hate that I'm so upset by this but I am. My mom raised us a single immigrant parent with no degree, and saved religiously. She would never ask her kids for money and these two college educated adults can't seem to make it work?

The very fact that he did not tell you until after he did it, tells you he knows it was wrong of him.

And it was wrong of him. Have a nice, civil talk and set some basic rules for your money donations. It's one thing if there is a true emergency or disability in the family (and even then there are programs that can help fund it), but not this sort of stuff or living beyond their budget. You both have a lot of goals, including saving your hard-earned money, and he needs to get his priorities right.

Any chance he is from one of those Asian or Mideast cultures where you always put Mom and Dede first, your whole life?

+1

This will happen again, OP. If it is not for life saving surgery (don't they have insurance for that anyway?) - I would put an end to this. He needs to discuss anything like this with you first, because he can't save the world, and it will always be something with this type of family. I have a dear friend who has the same issue. In one example, the friend's spouse gave a family member a job, knowing how difficult the family member was. My friend, who had no idea how difficult the family member was, gave it her blessing - she wanted to help the family member, in good faith. Come to find out, it was the worst hire ever -the family member was so difficult, they didn't get along with anyone! In the second example, the spouse actually gave away a car that my friend (and the entire family!) was actually using - to some deadbeat "friend" (user) who got fired, lied about money, and got divorced. Apparently, the deadbeat was all to happy to take whoever down with him. My friend had to be the "bad guy" and put a stop to it. You guessed it, now the friend and her husband need a car and there is no one to help them. Able bodied adults should be able to help themselves, OP - unless they are goal users. In which case, RUN!

[Anonymous]

Is this the OP who postponed the wedding when she found out that her fiancé had been sending money to family & had a joint account with mom? Did you go ahead with the wedding and are having the same problems?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this the OP who postponed the wedding when she found out that her fiancé had been sending money to family & had a joint account with mom? Did you go ahead with the wedding and are having the same problems?

Nevermind, it couldn't be, if there are multiply kids in the picture already. You should find those old posts. There was some good advice to her about dealing with sending money to family (but a lot of the advice was to tell her he'd never change, if the expectation was already there between him & the parents. )