DH sent his parents money without discussing first

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to let this go. Yes, in principle your husband should talk to you first before sending money to anyone. But you are asking him to choose between you and his own parents. No matter which way he goes, he will resent you for it.

Disagree. Did you read the posts? She is working two jobs to save up money, and they blew 12k on a bed and are asking for more. OP and her husband are a family unit now, not DH and his parents. If they had worked hard and saved and ran on hard time, then I imagine OP would be more sympathetic.

Yes, thank you. If they worked hard or wanted to change I wouldn't mind helping them. DH dad has had the opportunity for more stable income and he turns it down over and over again because he just doesn't want to do the job. They had the chance to downsize and instead moved into a country club community. They make stupid purchases like that bed, and a giant curved TV, speakers, on and on. They are very much about keeping up with their neighbors and then complain about not affording xyz and his dad not bringing in sales at work so not making commission and then being fired repeatedly. I already know we have to help them when they can no longer work. As much as I may not agree. BUT while they are able bodied they need to do for themselves. No washer? Go to the laundromat. Fix it? Buy used? Turn to church community for any old hand downs...don't ask your kids who are just starting to build their lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to let this go. Yes, in principle your husband should talk to you first before sending money to anyone. But you are asking him to choose between you and his own parents. No matter which way he goes, he will resent you for it.

Disagree. Did you read the posts? She is working two jobs to save up money, and they blew 12k on a bed and are asking for more. OP and her husband are a family unit now, not DH and his parents. If they had worked hard and saved and ran on hard time, then I imagine OP would be more sympathetic.

Yes, thank you. If they worked hard or wanted to change I wouldn't mind helping them. DH dad has had the opportunity for more stable income and he turns it down over and over again because he just doesn't want to do the job. They had the chance to downsize and instead moved into a country club community. They make stupid purchases like that bed, and a giant curved TV, speakers, on and on. They are very much about keeping up with their neighbors and then complain about not affording xyz and his dad not bringing in sales at work so not making commission and then being fired repeatedly. I already know we have to help them when they can no longer work. As much as I may not agree. BUT while they are able bodied they need to do for themselves. No washer? Go to the laundromat. Fix it? Buy used? Turn to church community for any old hand downs...don't ask your kids who are just starting to build their lives.

Yes, you would. You would come up with some different reasons. I think you are trying to justify your position but the bottom line is it's about money. Nothing else. At least you can do is be honest with yourself rather than b.s. -ing about it.

[Anonymous]

Both my DH and I have helped out our relatives. We do these from our separate accounts. I have never asked how much he has given and he has never asked me. But we do come from an ethnic groups that would never turn down relatives in need.

None of these instances involved the recent purchase of a !2 K bed. I would definitely have a few choice words about that!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to let this go. Yes, in principle your husband should talk to you first before sending money to anyone. But you are asking him to choose between you and his own parents. No matter which way he goes, he will resent you for it.

Disagree. Did you read the posts? She is working two jobs to save up money, and they blew 12k on a bed and are asking for more. OP and her husband are a family unit now, not DH and his parents. If they had worked hard and saved and ran on hard time, then I imagine OP would be more sympathetic.

Yes, thank you. If they worked hard or wanted to change I wouldn't mind helping them. DH dad has had the opportunity for more stable income and he turns it down over and over again because he just doesn't want to do the job. They had the chance to downsize and instead moved into a country club community. They make stupid purchases like that bed, and a giant curved TV, speakers, on and on. They are very much about keeping up with their neighbors and then complain about not affording xyz and his dad not bringing in sales at work so not making commission and then being fired repeatedly. I already know we have to help them when they can no longer work. As much as I may not agree. BUT while they are able bodied they need to do for themselves. No washer? Go to the laundromat. Fix it? Buy used? Turn to church community for any old hand downs...don't ask your kids who are just starting to build their lives.

Yes, you would. You would come up with some different reasons. I think you are trying to justify your position but the bottom line is it's about money. Nothing else. At least you can do is be honest with yourself rather than b.s. -ing about it.

Of course it's about money! Money the OP has worked hard for, and money that the ILs have repeatedly blown on stupid and selfish purchases.

OP, I would have a serious talk with your husband about your plans to support your ILs when they are older. I don't think you should just have to accept that you will suffer and save while they live in luxury and waste money. My FIL is a compulsive spender. Spent 12k on a fancy new car for some family friends as a wedding present, buys tons and tons of new electronics every day etc. So far they haven't asked for money, but DH has talked to he and his mom about their financial future. We live frugally, below our means in a tiny house with old cars and we do not plan to just start throwing money at the ILs in 10 years when their retirement savings run out. I would never bring it up with them directly, I let DH handle it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like he has compassion on his aging parents who can't quite make it.

It sounds like you are eaten up by judgment and have no compassion.

Aging is tough. You probably don't know the whole story about them and their appliances.

How much can a few appliances possibly cost?

He should have told you. But really. AP
Iances. Not that big of a deal if you are doing as well as you suggest.

They're not 100. They are still working.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to let this go. Yes, in principle your husband should talk to you first before sending money to anyone. But you are asking him to choose between you and his own parents. No matter which way he goes, he will resent you for it.

Disagree. Did you read the posts? She is working two jobs to save up money, and they blew 12k on a bed and are asking for more. OP and her husband are a family unit now, not DH and his parents. If they had worked hard and saved and ran on hard time, then I imagine OP would be more sympathetic.

Yes, thank you. If they worked hard or wanted to change I wouldn't mind helping them. DH dad has had the opportunity for more stable income and he turns it down over and over again because he just doesn't want to do the job. They had the chance to downsize and instead moved into a country club community. They make stupid purchases like that bed, and a giant curved TV, speakers, on and on. They are very much about keeping up with their neighbors and then complain about not affording xyz and his dad not bringing in sales at work so not making commission and then being fired repeatedly. I already know we have to help them when they can no longer work. As much as I may not agree. BUT while they are able bodied they need to do for themselves. No washer? Go to the laundromat. Fix it? Buy used? Turn to church community for any old hand downs...don't ask your kids who are just starting to build their lives.

Yes, you would. You would come up with some different reasons. I think you are trying to justify your position but the bottom line is it's about money. Nothing else. At least you can do is be honest with yourself rather than b.s. -ing about it.

Oh please! Give it a rest. No one needs a 12k bed.

[Anonymous]

OP is right to be concerned, particularly of they are working two jobs each and living frugally to get ahead. As a parent, I cannot imagine making the kinds of decisions that her DH's parents are making and expecting their children to bail them out. That is disgraceful and they should be ashamed enough to make ch ages in their lives. It as long as their son enables them theyvlikely will not.

You and you husband need to get on the same page and be able to say no. It is not going to get easier with time.

If it does not go well as a conversation think about talking with a counselor, that may sound extreme but this is not a one time thing and will eat away at your marriage over time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are your in-laws Asian/South Asian? It is very common in those cultures to treat the son as an ATM. The daughters-in-law are not even consulted.

not true, do don't make blanket statements. We are just raised with a lot more compassion for aging parents that's all. They've given their dues raising us, it's only fair we help out in whatever way possible that's all. It's called being human. Asking them to work in jobs that are not easy at their age, just to get more money, isn't fair to them. Let them live out their old age with some assurance that they're cared for. Again, nothing wrong with paying back within your means.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are your in-laws Asian/South Asian? It is very common in those cultures to treat the son as an ATM. The daughters-in-law are not even consulted.

not true, do don't make blanket statements. We are just raised with a lot more compassion for aging parents that's all. They've given their dues raising us, it's only fair we help out in whatever way possible that's all. It's called being human. Asking them to work in jobs that are not easy at their age, just to get more money, isn't fair to them. Let them live out their old age with some assurance that they're cared for. Again, nothing wrong with paying back within your means.

Give it a rest. You shouldn't have kids if your plan is for them to pay you back for GASP clothing and sheltering them. Considering that OP is working two jobs I highly doubt it is in her budget to bail out these two the next time they want to buy a $12k bed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are your in-laws Asian/South Asian? It is very common in those cultures to treat the son as an ATM. The daughters-in-law are not even consulted.

not true, do don't make blanket statements. We are just raised with a lot more compassion for aging parents that's all. They've given their dues raising us, it's only fair we help out in whatever way possible that's all. It's called being human. Asking them to work in jobs that are not easy at their age, just to get more money, isn't fair to them. Let them live out their old age with some assurance that they're cared for. Again, nothing wrong with paying back within your means.

Give it a rest. You shouldn't have kids if your plan is for them to pay you back for GASP clothing and sheltering them. Considering that OP is working two jobs I highly doubt it is in her budget to bail out these two the next time they want to buy a $12k bed.

I'm not talking about a 12k bed here but basic necessities. I don't think any parent keeps accounts of how much they spend on their kids while raising them. It could easily run into the millions. At the same time, if kids can think beyond just their needs....everyone can be happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are your in-laws Asian/South Asian? It is very common in those cultures to treat the son as an ATM. The daughters-in-law are not even consulted.

not true, do don't make blanket statements. We are just raised with a lot more compassion for aging parents that's all. They've given their dues raising us, it's only fair we help out in whatever way possible that's all. It's called being human. Asking them to work in jobs that are not easy at their age, just to get more money, isn't fair to them. Let them live out their old age with some assurance that they're cared for. Again, nothing wrong with paying back within your means.

Give it a rest. You shouldn't have kids if your plan is for them to pay you back for GASP clothing and sheltering them. Considering that OP is working two jobs I highly doubt it is in her budget to bail out these two the next time they want to buy a $12k bed.

Western culture is very Pay it Forward and Not Be a Burden; while those Eastern cultures are more Guilt your adult kids to Pay It Backwards.

Anyways, OP's inlaws need to start following a budget and not getting secret handouts from their adult son for any purchases, frivolous $12,000 temperpedic beds or not.

P.S. $12,000 means you worked your @$$ off for $20,000+ gross income!!! Which your weak momma's boy husband secretly gave away to his parents and you never even got a Thank You. Unacceptable, disgusting actually.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here

Yes, I discussed this with DH before posting. My post was a vent. DH doesn't understand that its more than a few hundred dollars. To me, it means we will be supporting his parents or possibly having them live with us. If they can't buy a washing machine, and they have zero saved. This is an issue.

Also, while it may be a few hundred to some. Its a big deal to us. We just paid off my DHs debt this year and have been building our savings for our future. I'm not working two jobs to just throw money away. I don't want to support people who made some poor choices in life. I these are able bodied people who live way beyond their means. Last year they bought a 12k bed and a giant TV and this year they can't afford a washing machine? Its not the first time they've asked for help and I just see it being a huge problem

Hi OP, you both need to come up with your own budget and rules for handing out money to friends and family. Consider doing this with a third party counselor so resentment does not build up over time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here

Yes, I discussed this with DH before posting. My post was a vent. DH doesn't understand that its more than a few hundred dollars. To me, it means we will be supporting his parents or possibly having them live with us. If they can't buy a washing machine, and they have zero saved. This is an issue.

Also, while it may be a few hundred to some. Its a big deal to us. We just paid off my DHs debt this year and have been building our savings for our future. I'm not working two jobs to just throw money away. I don't want to support people who made some poor choices in life. I these are able bodied people who live way beyond their means. Last year they bought a 12k bed and a giant TV and this year they can't afford a washing machine? Its not the first time they've asked for help and I just see it being a huge problem

I'd make any financial support contingent on them meeting with a financial counselor with me in attendance, to look over ALL their finances. If you want my money, it comes with BIG HUGE strings attached. If I am giving you money for something routine, like a $300 dishwasher, you better believe I want to know exactly where all your money is going. If you don't want to share that information, that's fine, but then I do not want to share my money with you.