DH sent his parents money without discussing first

[Anonymous]

Of course the expectation can change. This is 2017 and presumably you live in America.
Have a conversation with him, he needs to see and understand he is married now and you cannot enable people to be responsible adults.

If he's mature, he will listen, talk and agree to some degree and you can both work together on the delivery message to the parents.
If he's immature, he will get defensive and shut down the conversation. He may start hiding such behavior or lying about it (my husband lies about who paid for the grocery bill, for crying out loud!). But he will also suffer cognitive dissonance, b/c deep down he knows there is a real problem and he's ushering it along, not fixing it.

[Anonymous]

My first thought was - is this cultural? I'm Indian and know plenty of Indian and Middle Eastern couples and this is pretty much standard. Though in my small sample size, I find that there aren't too many resentments bc the couples themselves are high income dual earners --so $500 or even $5000 doesn't mean they're foregoing their own luxury homes/cars, vacations, retirement or college accounts etc. And amongst the husbands (all born and raised in the US) -- they're all pretty fair minded. If they hear that their mother in law's car is in the shop again or the oven broke but they need to wait until they find one on sale -- they are just as apt to offer the money to their MIL (or ask their wife to do so) as they would for their own parents.

I legitimately know 1 couple who I think will divorce over this issue. He's Dominican - been in the US for 5 yrs, she's white. In his view as a Dominican son, he must help his parents (with needs AND all wants) and she is shocked bc she's never seen such a thing. He's the first one in his nuclear family to leave the DR and feels obligated to help AND I think his family assumes he's rich bc he's in the US and directly asks. He sends home money monthly. And then every time they go back to the DR - his parents request expensive gifts -- laptops; big screen TVs; 5 pairs of jeans for his sister but they must all be designer; t-shirts for his dad but they can only be Ralph Lauren etc. And he will buy every last thing.

To make matters worse - they are just starting out, both working in the service industry until they land professional jobs in their fields, desperately need to save some money to upgrade their apartment/save for kids etc. and yet a huge % of what he saves, goes to his parents. I honestly think he's ok living in a studio apartment if he can provide a 3 bedroom for his parents in the DR. Obviously she is not ok with it.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like he has compassion on his aging parents who can't quite make it.

It sounds like you are eaten up by judgment and have no compassion.

Aging is tough. You probably don't know the whole story about them and their appliances.

How much can a few appliances possibly cost?

He should have told you. But really. AP
Iances. Not that big of a deal if you are doing as well as you suggest.

[Anonymous]

Really? You're mad over this?? Haven't you spent $300 on clothes or a purse without telling DH? I know I sure have.

[Anonymous]

Are your in-laws Asian/South Asian? It is very common in those cultures to treat the son as an ATM. The daughters-in-law are not even consulted.

[Anonymous]

I'd let this go but talk to him about why this upset/concerned you. Then make a plan for the future together about how to handle these sorts of things.

[Anonymous]

Let's assume you have no children. This is simple. Larlo, as a married couple we will mAke all financial expenditure decisions together over $300 and ALL expenditures that are for family. Except for a medical emergency we do not send money to any family member ever.

Ok. Got it? If he balks the. Cut your losses. Split.

Money is trickle down. Parents help the kids get established, not the other way.

Run.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are your in-laws Asian/South Asian? It is very common in those cultures to treat the son as an ATM. The daughters-in-law are not even consulted.

x1000

[Anonymous]

I think that you two are overdue for a discussion about money. It sounds like you are doing a good job saving and you have a plan for money but each should have your own spending money for which you do not need to be accountable to the other party. On the other hand, emergencies happen and there isn't always time to coordinate with your spouse.

For example, no refrigerator is pretty big problem in my opinion and I would send money asap. No dishwasher? Well, they have two hands for washing and two for drying. No oven? It depends. Do they have a microwave they can use instead then use that. But if they are hosting Thanksgiving dinner then I would send the $.

OP, as others have said, you and your husband need to get on the same page. You should read some of Michelle Singletary's old columns in the Washington Post about these issues. She does a lot of work with her church on helping couples struggling with similar issues and she will frequently write about best practices for couples.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So work it out with your husband.

Can you be my life coach? You are brilliant. So insightful!

You took the words right out of my mouth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Apparently his parents appliances have broken and they can't afford to cover the cost. They both work. So DH sent a few hundred to his mom. We are in our late 20s early 30s. Trying to save for a house, kids, move...we both work full-time and have side gigs to bring in as much income as possible right now. His parents live way beyond their means. And his dad refuses to get a better job because its beneath him. While he works a commission based job and brings in crap. I hate that I'm so upset by this but I am. My mom raised us a single immigrant parent with no degree, and saved religiously. She would never ask her kids for money and these two college educated adults can't seem to make it work?

Wait, wait, wait... is this bullshit REALLY about him sending his parents a FEW hundred dollars??

These are the people who raised him correctly?

[Anonymous]

OP here

Yes, I discussed this with DH before posting. My post was a vent. DH doesn't understand that its more than a few hundred dollars. To me, it means we will be supporting his parents or possibly having them live with us. If they can't buy a washing machine, and they have zero saved. This is an issue.

Also, while it may be a few hundred to some. Its a big deal to us. We just paid off my DHs debt this year and have been building our savings for our future. I'm not working two jobs to just throw money away. I don't want to support people who made some poor choices in life. I these are able bodied people who live way beyond their means. Last year they bought a 12k bed and a giant TV and this year they can't afford a washing machine? Its not the first time they've asked for help and I just see it being a huge problem

[Anonymous]

My husband sends a couple hundred to his mom every now and then. She is elderly and on a fixed income. I think she made some poor financial choices, but I am not going to begrudge her an extra $200 a few times a year.

[Anonymous]

You need to let this go. Yes, in principle your husband should talk to you first before sending money to anyone. But you are asking him to choose between you and his own parents. No matter which way he goes, he will resent you for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to let this go. Yes, in principle your husband should talk to you first before sending money to anyone. But you are asking him to choose between you and his own parents. No matter which way he goes, he will resent you for it.

Disagree. Did you read the posts? She is working two jobs to save up money, and they blew 12k on a bed and are asking for more. OP and her husband are a family unit now, not DH and his parents. If they had worked hard and saved and ran on hard time, then I imagine OP would be more sympathetic.