DH sent his parents money without discussing first

[Anonymous]

Apparently his parents appliances have broken and they can't afford to cover the cost. They both work. So DH sent a few hundred to his mom. We are in our late 20s early 30s. Trying to save for a house, kids, move...we both work full-time and have side gigs to bring in as much income as possible right now. His parents live way beyond their means. And his dad refuses to get a better job because its beneath him. While he works a commission based job and brings in crap. I hate that I'm so upset by this but I am. My mom raised us a single immigrant parent with no degree, and saved religiously. She would never ask her kids for money and these two college educated adults can't seem to make it work?

[Anonymous]

Well, really -- would you have refused?

[Anonymous]

You need rules about money.

My H has given his parents $30k over the years.

So we made a rules... he has a certain amount of money put in a separate account monthly for him to spend and he does not need to consult me.

He also is not allowed to purchase anything after October 1st without telling me, he has literally bought our kids every single Christmas gift on my list in October and I had nothing on the list left.

He is also not allowed to make a purchase of >$300 for the house without asking me. He goes to home depot and best buy and regularly makes >$300 purchases "for the family".

Some people are spenders, some are savers... neither is better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need rules about money.

My H has given his parents $30k over the years.

So we made a rules... he has a certain amount of money put in a separate account monthly for him to spend and he does not need to consult me.

He also is not allowed to purchase anything after October 1st without telling me, he has literally bought our kids every single Christmas gift on my list in October and I had nothing on the list left.

He is also not allowed to make a purchase of >$300 for the house without asking me. He goes to home depot and best buy and regularly makes >$300 purchases "for the family".

Some people are spenders, some are savers... neither is better.

I don't understand the bolded -- aren't Christmas presents to the kids from both of you?

[Anonymous]

So work it out with your husband.

[Anonymous]

How much?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need rules about money.

My H has given his parents $30k over the years.

So we made a rules... he has a certain amount of money put in a separate account monthly for him to spend and he does not need to consult me.

He also is not allowed to purchase anything after October 1st without telling me, he has literally bought our kids every single Christmas gift on my list in October and I had nothing on the list left.

He is also not allowed to make a purchase of >$300 for the house without asking me. He goes to home depot and best buy and regularly makes >$300 purchases "for the family".

Some people are spenders, some are savers... neither is better.

I don't understand the bolded -- aren't Christmas presents to the kids from both of you?

Yes and No. He is so ADHD he can't plan. I make a list and then we go shopping the week after Thanksgiving. I don't keep him abreast of what is on the list, because it would be all for naught. Some of the stuff on the list are ideas he texted me, then he forgot he told me to put it on the Christmas list, then he comes home with a $200 bike in the middle of October.

Did I mention gift giving is his love language.

Did I also mention that I never have a gift under the tree on Christmas because he give them to me the weeks leading up to Christmas because he can't wait.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So work it out with your husband.

Can you be my life coach? You are brilliant. So insightful!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Apparently his parents appliances have broken and they can't afford to cover the cost. They both work. So DH sent a few hundred to his mom. We are in our late 20s early 30s. Trying to save for a house, kids, move...we both work full-time and have side gigs to bring in as much income as possible right now. His parents live way beyond their means. And his dad refuses to get a better job because its beneath him. While he works a commission based job and brings in crap. I hate that I'm so upset by this but I am. My mom raised us a single immigrant parent with no degree, and saved religiously. She would never ask her kids for money and these two college educated adults can't seem to make it work?

Sounds like you two have different values. Maybe you need to reconsider purchasing property and having kids with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So work it out with your husband.

Can you be my life coach? You are brilliant. So insightful!

The OP is pissed because her husband did something without discussing it with her first but what is she doing in response... Venting her personal problems on social media seeking advice from strangers without discussing it with him first. Do two wrongs make a right?

[Anonymous]

I agree that you and your husband need to agree on some basic rules around how you spend your money and what thresholds are set for discussing it first.

In our house we have a $300 threshold - if it's less than $300 we spend it as we wish. If it's more than $300 we discuss it.

That same cut off applies regardless of the outlay (except for emergencies of course, or things like car repair, doctor bills etc...)

For any gift of money to a family or friend we would discuss it and would not do it unless or until both of us agreed, even if reluctant.

Sometimes we chafe a bit at the restrictions (me especially) but they serve us well.

So you need to have a conversation like this w/ your husband. There are lots of ways to solve this - just find one that feels right to both of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So work it out with your husband.

Can you be my life coach? You are brilliant. So insightful!

The OP is pissed because her husband did something without discussing it with her first but what is she doing in response... Venting her personal problems on social media seeking advice from strangers without discussing it with him first. Do two wrongs make a right?

Isn't that 90% of this forum?

you are spending your days making snarky comments on social media. I don't think you have much room for judgement

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So work it out with your husband.

Can you be my life coach? You are brilliant. So insightful!

The OP is pissed because her husband did something without discussing it with her first but what is she doing in response... Venting her personal problems on social media seeking advice from strangers without discussing it with him first. Do two wrongs make a right?

Isn't that 90% of this forum?

you are spending your days making snarky comments on social media. I don't think you have much room for judgement

Lol - hey my marriage isn't the one on the brink of collapse over some bullshit like the OP's is and the many others who spend their days posting about their gripes, grievances, problems and predicaments because apparently they can't function or make a decision without consulting with the Anonymous Advisory Committee (i.e. commenters like you and me). So seeing how we're in the same boat with regard to making recommendations and the OP is in a own sinking ship I think I've got just as much room to make appraisals as you.

[Anonymous]

Have a serious talk with your H. You need to set ground rules from here on out. It could be a few hundred now, and a couple thousand later, if his parents are poor with budgeting and spending.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So work it out with your husband.

Can you be my life coach? You are brilliant. So insightful!

The OP is pissed because her husband did something without discussing it with her first but what is she doing in response... Venting her personal problems on social media seeking advice from strangers without discussing it with him first. Do two wrongs make a right?

Isn't that 90% of this forum?

you are spending your days making snarky comments on social media. I don't think you have much room for judgement

Lol - hey my marriage isn't the one on the brink of collapse over some bullshit like the OP's is and the many others who spend their days posting about their gripes, grievances, problems and predicaments because apparently they can't function or make a decision without consulting with the Anonymous Advisory Committee (i.e. commenters like you and me). So seeing how we're in the same boat with regard to making recommendations and the OP is in a own sinking ship I think I've got just as much room to make appraisals as you.

Where do you get that from OP's post?
And way to dig you heels in with the attitude. keep it coming - it's my rainy day entertainment.