My mom really wants to take care of my baby

[Anonymous]

I'm sure your mom can understand that it's not feasible to hire a nanny for only every other week. Not having her as a full-time caregiver doesn't cut her off entirely -- she could take the baby every other Friday and give the nanny a day off (you might still have to pay her for it, because she'd be hard-pressed to find a job just one day every other week), she can visit with your baby on weekends, give you and your spouse the occasional date night, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sure your mom can understand that it's not feasible to hire a nanny for only every other week. Not having her as a full-time caregiver doesn't cut her off entirely -- she could take the baby every other Friday and give the nanny a day off (you might still have to pay her for it, because she'd be hard-pressed to find a job just one day every other week), she can visit with your baby on weekends, give you and your spouse the occasional date night, etc.

Missed that your mom isn't local so that limits it, but she could still fly up for a long weekend every other week, watch the baby on Friday and spend the weekend with you all.

[Anonymous]

This is so nice, but your mom isn't thinking about this from your point of view. She wants her piece of the baby, but what are you going to do if she isn't there on a Monday morning because her plane was delayed? Or she got ill? For how long is she going to want to fly four times a month? That's a lot for young people, and flying only gets more uncomfortable as you get older.

Your mom can't be your childcare plan. She can have other ways to see the baby often, but she's not your plan A for childcare.

[Anonymous]

OP, my mom was the same. She wanted to watch my baby, but on her non-standard schedule. It actually got to be a serious problem. Against my better judgment (and because she was pressuring me so much), I went with her proposal and found very-hard-to-find intermittent but good childcare, but when the reality of caring for a baby hit, she ended up coming up with all sorts of conflicts. Of course, she didn't like to admit it, and so would actually cancel at the very last minute, leaving me without backup plans. Finally, after a several week stretch in which she canceled or altered the schedule 50% of the days that she had previously committed to, I found reliable weekly childcare. It was a scramble, too, because finding good care you trust takes time. All in all, it caused enormous stress that I don't think my mom ever even realized. My life was much better when I told my mom it wasn't working, and that she could continue to spend time with DS but that I was arranging for regular care. All in all, I blame myself in a lot of respects because I knew she was being overly optimistic and had unrealistic expectations of how it would work, but she was so adamant that I gave in, which I shouldn't have done.

I would not start with a schedule that involves logistical difficulties like this. Plane flights get canceled, and the reality of traveling every other week is going to be difficult. If this is your first baby, having that hanging over you will be incredibly stressful.

[Anonymous]

Why not just put your baby in daycare, and when your mom is in town, keep baby home to hang out with mom? That way, your mom can spend time with baby when she is in town, but you aren't screwed looking for backup coverage if she is supposed to come when you don't have nanny coming, and then something comes up and she can't.

[Anonymous]

Op my mom drove down from ny at least monthly to visit with her first granddaughter. It was awesome. She would show up midweek, keep the baby home from her nanny share, hang out through the weekend so dh and I could get some alone time. This is what your mom should do. She and dd have a great relationship. (And we thought long and hard about finding a way for her to actually provide the care since she was similarly available. Ultimately there was no way to make that work.)

[Anonymous]

That's not even close to realistic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why not just put your baby in daycare, and when your mom is in town, keep baby home to hang out with mom? That way, your mom can spend time with baby when she is in town, but you aren't screwed looking for backup coverage if she is supposed to come when you don't have nanny coming, and then something comes up and she can't.

Yes this.

There will be plenty of times daycare is closed and you know ahead of time. Your mother can come up for those times. Ex: the week between Xmas and NY. My in home daycare also closes for two "personal" weeks a year. My mom watches my kid then.

It sounds like your mother is concerned with competing with the local family. This feels like a MUCH bigger deal than it will be in reality. By coming regularly and just being a loving grandmother, she will form a fabulous bond. It might take a bit longer at first, but after the first 2 years, that's why the relationship can REALLY bloom and it's beautiful. My mom travels about every 6-8 weeks to see her out of town grandkids. She goes to take care of them for school breaks, or when my brother needs to travel and his wife could use an extra hand. She has cultivated a wonderful and close relationship with those two, even while living in a different city.

[Anonymous]

You're the mom now, OP.
You don't have to comply with your mother.
Tell her this isn't going to work, but she is welcome to visit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why not just put your baby in daycare, and when your mom is in town, keep baby home to hang out with mom? That way, your mom can spend time with baby when she is in town, but you aren't screwed looking for backup coverage if she is supposed to come when you don't have nanny coming, and then something comes up and she can't.

I think this is a great solution. You never know when your mother might get sick, or her flight might get cancelled, or after sometime she may find that the travel is too much.

When your mother is out of town DC just doesn't go to day care.

The other option is to find a nanny who is OK with house work and errands. One week she is full time with DC the next she cleans, cooks, does laundry, grocery shopping etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why not just put your baby in daycare, and when your mom is in town, keep baby home to hang out with mom? That way, your mom can spend time with baby when she is in town, but you aren't screwed looking for backup coverage if she is supposed to come when you don't have nanny coming, and then something comes up and she can't.

+1. With your additional details, I suggest finding a daycare, maybe an in-home one for more of that nanny "feel," and just using it when you need it.

I suspect grandma will tire of this arrangement pretty quickly, once the packing/unpacking/missing events at home/travel to-and-from the airport weekly reality sets in. I predict she comes more like once a month, or every quarter for two weeks.

[Anonymous]

OP, it SOUNDS wonderful, but it's not realistic for your mother to commute via plane every other week. It seems like it should be easy, but it's not. Flights get delayed and cancelled all the time. Add in time spent in airports every other week, commute to and from... it gets old, quickly.

I'd look into a nanny and just give them time off when your mom comes, which realistically is likely to only be a few days a month. The scenario you two are envisioning isn't realistic at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why not just put your baby in daycare, and when your mom is in town, keep baby home to hang out with mom? That way, your mom can spend time with baby when she is in town, but you aren't screwed looking for backup coverage if she is supposed to come when you don't have nanny coming, and then something comes up and she can't.

I think this is a great solution. You never know when your mother might get sick, or her flight might get cancelled, or after sometime she may find that the travel is too much.

When your mother is out of town DC just doesn't go to day care.

The other option is to find a nanny who is OK with house work and errands. One week she is full time with DC the next she cleans, cooks, does laundry, grocery shopping etc.

This. Just be completely up front about it in your job posting and interview. If your mom will be staying with you, there will be extra housework and you'll appreciate it. I also strongly suspect that your mom will cut back to one week a month really quickly...because the whole idea is kind of nuts.

We don't have nearly as frequent grandparent visits, but we have enough that we discussed in detail what would happen when they were visiting. Kids' nanny gets along great with everyone, has often taken my mom grocery shopping, and at this point I don't even need to discuss things with her...she goes out of her way to prepare the guest room etc for visits and forces me to sit down and plan meals ahead etc

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why not just put your baby in daycare, and when your mom is in town, keep baby home to hang out with mom? That way, your mom can spend time with baby when she is in town, but you aren't screwed looking for backup coverage if she is supposed to come when you don't have nanny coming, and then something comes up and she can't.

I think this is a great solution. You never know when your mother might get sick, or her flight might get cancelled, or after sometime she may find that the travel is too much.

When your mother is out of town DC just doesn't go to day care.

The other option is to find a nanny who is OK with house work and errands. One week she is full time with DC the next she cleans, cooks, does laundry, grocery shopping etc.

This. Just be completely up front about it in your job posting and interview. If your mom will be staying with you, there will be extra housework and you'll appreciate it. I also strongly suspect that your mom will cut back to one week a month really quickly...because the whole idea is kind of nuts.

We don't have nearly as frequent grandparent visits, but we have enough that we discussed in detail what would happen when they were visiting. Kids' nanny gets along great with everyone, has often taken my mom grocery shopping, and at this point I don't even need to discuss things with her...she goes out of her way to prepare the guest room etc for visits and forces me to sit down and plan meals ahead etc

Even that is optimistic in my opinion. As others have said, once the reality of packing/unpacking, airport security, traveling, being away from home, not to mention the difficulty of newborn/young baby care actually is, sets in, she'll be visiting once every other month.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why not just put your baby in daycare, and when your mom is in town, keep baby home to hang out with mom? That way, your mom can spend time with baby when she is in town, but you aren't screwed looking for backup coverage if she is supposed to come when you don't have nanny coming, and then something comes up and she can't.

I think this is a great solution. You never know when your mother might get sick, or her flight might get cancelled, or after sometime she may find that the travel is too much.

When your mother is out of town DC just doesn't go to day care.

The other option is to find a nanny who is OK with house work and errands. One week she is full time with DC the next she cleans, cooks, does laundry, grocery shopping etc.

This. Just be completely up front about it in your job posting and interview. If your mom will be staying with you, there will be extra housework and you'll appreciate it. I also strongly suspect that your mom will cut back to one week a month really quickly...because the whole idea is kind of nuts.

We don't have nearly as frequent grandparent visits, but we have enough that we discussed in detail what would happen when they were visiting. Kids' nanny gets along great with everyone, has often taken my mom grocery shopping, and at this point I don't even need to discuss things with her...she goes out of her way to prepare the guest room etc for visits and forces me to sit down and plan meals ahead etc

Asking your nanny to do your housework just sreams low class.