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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Are you pregnant?  I despised my MIL when I was pregnant, and found her very intrusive.  It's better now.  (Mine doesn't live in but we have the same childcare situation where she gets huffy if I send DD to preschool all 5 days.  We see her a lot.)

She lives there too: she is not an employee, and not really a guest.  Unless the MIL suite is actually an apartment, I don't think you can tell her to stay out of the main house.  You can set other boundaries, tell her not to undermine you, etc.  Try to treat her like a roommate or like your DH -- if he was undermining you, you would say something, but you wouldn't throw him out.[/quote]

Ha, yes. To me things have gotten noticeably worse in the past couple months. This is why I'm questioning my sanity and whether my complaints are legit!

Thanks PPs for the great responses, a lot of great points. YES MIL definitely needs some kind of hobbies, she has no life besides work and church. She definitely loves feeling needed and wanted, it's been decades since she last felt that and I swear she is drunk off it. I am definitely not rewarding her behavior with a free spa day, I am way too out of patience and empathy for that right now.

To the PP who pointed out you don't "win" by banning Mickey -- you are right. I am constantly questioning why I feel like it's a competition for my daughter's affections sometimes. I think some of it is my irritability, and some of it is her vying for attention and feeling entitled to access. I don't think her role is to be a third parent though, that's what we need to address with her. But I do need to remember I will always be the mom, that's a good point.

I need to start being more forward with her (the post with the curt responses was gold!). Sometimes I want to avoid confrontation and be respectful (she is from a different culture and elder respect is a big deal for her. This is why if I turned it around and said "how would you feel" -- because we have -- she would claim she'd welcome it because she would want the extra help and respects her elders. But she never had her mother or MIL live with her so that's BS). Sometimes I'm so furious I just exit the situation before I explode and say something that can't be taken back. Ironically (or not), that actually happened this morning after my OP. She took DD out without saying anything or taking her phone before I left for work, so not only could I not say goodbye to my kid, I couldn't get hold of her either. She also did not even apologize when they came back and I explained through gritted teeth that she cannot do that. I was so livid...called DH as soon as I got in the car and told him there needs to be a thorough discussion of boundaries TODAY, it's time for DD to go to daycare full time, and I am at my absolute limit. So fingers crossed something changes soon. Or else we'll need to talk about alternate living arrangements. This thread is solidifying that I can't keep living this way.[/quote]

I'm the PP that lives my mom. To the third parent thing - I think this the crux of the issue and where some true self-reflection and mindfulness can go a long way. Words like "parenting" are so fraught in our culture. "Parenting" is a competitive sport and everyone is judging how everyone else is doing it at all times. Society and culture aren't helping us out much as mothers, and on top of that you have a unique family arrangement which makes it even harder. Go easy on yourself.

Now, your MIL is not a third "parent" in the way that you probably interpreted my meaning, as she absolutely does not get an equal say of you and your husband about what is right for your daughter. That being said, from your daughters perspective, there are three adults in her family caring for her. If there is disharmony between these three, I think it can be upsetting to her in the same way it could be upsetting if there were disagreements between two parents, so thats what I meant by "three parents" Your MIL role is not to listen to you and raise your daughter the way you would raise her. Your MIL role is to love and care for your daughter and her family, and because she lives with you, I think she does deserve and little leeway and respect to make some minor decisions regarding her opinion and your daughters care.

Now, there are some red lines to draw, for sure. For today's example, which I agree would totally infuriate me, your daughters whereabouts must be known to you at all times. That is non-negotiable. Also, there can be some food and sleep non-negotiables that you clearly state. Also, if you provide you clear reasons behind these rules, hopefully your MIL will get on board, even if she disagrees. Beyond these red lines, you have to let go of the little stuff. If you make mountains out of molehills, your MIL will actually not know what is a priority to you and you will continue to bash heads because shes casting you as someone who gets mad about everything.

Think of the end-game here. You want your daughter looking up to you in the future because you are gracious and kind and patient. Because you prioritized family care and made the best of a not-great situation. [/quote]

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