MIL and SIL stay for Thanksgiving- say anything?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OK, as someone who is not close to family, I find this post very sad. I wished I had family members who were pleasant enough to want to stay an extra couple of days. Your ear is 365 days. I think you can tolerate 1% of that with your in-laws, no? Unless hey are really offensive, I would let it go and just enjoy the time with them.

I swear -- you ppl on DCUM all seem to have in-law issues.

LOL While I agree completely about DCUM, you have to agree just announcing how long you will stay is obnoxious. Even for family. I would expect a bit more courtesy. I wouldn't appreciate someone just telling me at the last moment without any consideration of my time/plans. It's just rude.

Having said that, there's really not much to do unless you plan on starting WW3 with MIL and SIL. It sucks, but you should probably be a bigger person and accommodate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OK, as someone who is not close to family, I find this post very sad. I wished I had family members who were pleasant enough to want to stay an extra couple of days. Your ear is 365 days. I think you can tolerate 1% of that with your in-laws, no? Unless hey are really offensive, I would let it go and just enjoy the time with them.

I swear -- you ppl on DCUM all seem to have in-law issues.

100% agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:\My DH is the passive baby of the family and doesn't care when, if, and how long his family stays. \

So he's in charge of planning meals for the additional days. Assign them tasks for meal prep or cleanup. With a longer visit, you don't need to be together 24 hours a day, so it's fine to disappear into your room. If you need peace and quiet on Saturday, have your DH plan an outing with the young kid(s) and the adults other than you.

If they start talking politics, have your husband say you'd like Thanksgiving weekend to be a politics-free zone. If they continue, insist: "Mom, I've asked that we not get into a discussion of politics this weekend. We get enough of that in our daily lives here in DC."

If they criticize your parents, have your husband say, "Mom, we've got this." Or, "our doctor agrees that this plan is best."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why didn't you have this fight several weeks ago? Why did you even ask them their plans if you'd already established you guys weren't traveling? Just let it go.

Why didn't you tell them "Oh, gosh, I wasn't inviting you, my bad! We're planning a small Thanskgiving this year since the baby is here, no overnight guests"?

As it stands, text back, "I believe we had agreed upon Friday--that's what works for us. We need the weekend to ourselves. Can't wait to see you!"

Remind your DH that if he won't stand up to his family, you will, and it won't be pretty. Even if he doesn't care who comes when, he should care about *your* feelings.

This is terribly rude advice. I understand and appreciate boundaries for serious transgressions, but OP describes behavior well within the range of annoying-but-normal. Everyone is within their rights to behave this way, of course, but it will hurt feelings and set up future issues. This is advice for someone looking to "win" as between wife/new family vs. parents/old family, not someone looking to get along with and accept their DH's family's foibles (just like, I assume, we would expect DH to accept his wife's family).

Isn't it ruder to invite themselves to someone else's house for Thanksgiving? And to announce with only a few days notice that they're staying two extra days?

The ILs are being terribly rude themselves here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why didn't you have this fight several weeks ago? Why did you even ask them their plans if you'd already established you guys weren't traveling? Just let it go.

Why didn't you tell them "Oh, gosh, I wasn't inviting you, my bad! We're planning a small Thanskgiving this year since the baby is here, no overnight guests"?

As it stands, text back, "I believe we had agreed upon Friday--that's what works for us. We need the weekend to ourselves. Can't wait to see you!"

Remind your DH that if he won't stand up to his family, you will, and it won't be pretty. Even if he doesn't care who comes when, he should care about *your* feelings.

If you go this route, then don't come back here in 5-10 years lamenting that your MIL and SIL never make time to get to know your son and acting sad that he doesn't have a close relationship with extended family. There are boundaries to be set, but this one is so blindingly short-sighted and so very tight that people won't want to deal with such a drama queen. This type of familial interaction is obnoxious and discourages them from trying to build relationships in the future.

Let them come and put them to work while they are visiting.
"MIL, can you hold the baby while I go to the bathroom?"
"SIL, the baby's napping, can you run to the store and pick up these things?"
"MIL, can you put the load in the hamper into the washing machine? Your grandson goes through sleepers so fast, it's hard to keep up with him!"
"SIL, can you watch the baby on the playmat while I grab a quick shower?"

There are so many new parents that come on to DCUM complaining about not having enough time to eat, bathe and go to the bathroom. Take advantage of having two extra adults in the house who can help you with the multi-tasking jobs enough so that you can get basics like eating, showering and bathroom breaks in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why didn't you have this fight several weeks ago? Why did you even ask them their plans if you'd already established you guys weren't traveling? Just let it go.

Why didn't you tell them "Oh, gosh, I wasn't inviting you, my bad! We're planning a small Thanskgiving this year since the baby is here, no overnight guests"?

As it stands, text back, "I believe we had agreed upon Friday--that's what works for us. We need the weekend to ourselves. Can't wait to see you!"

Remind your DH that if he won't stand up to his family, you will, and it won't be pretty. Even if he doesn't care who comes when, he should care about *your* feelings.

This is terribly rude advice. I understand and appreciate boundaries for serious transgressions, but OP describes behavior well within the range of annoying-but-normal. Everyone is within their rights to behave this way, of course, but it will hurt feelings and set up future issues. This is advice for someone looking to "win" as between wife/new family vs. parents/old family, not someone looking to get along with and accept their DH's family's foibles (just like, I assume, we would expect DH to accept his wife's family).

Isn't it ruder to invite themselves to someone else's house for Thanksgiving? And to announce with only a few days notice that they're staying two extra days?

The ILs are being terribly rude themselves here.

Fair enough. But still not grounds to start throwing metaphorical bombs IMO.

Seems to me it comes down to how you want to be perceived by your family, honestly. I really don't mean that as snark. I have a cousin who I am close to, and she draws very firm lines with regard to visits from grandparents for her kids in particular for visits during the week. Her husband travels M-Th for work and she keeps the kids on a strict schedule while he's gone in order to manage. She doesn't want the grandparents messing that up. I OTOH welcome visitors and generally am open to them staying as long as they like. I enjoy that my extended family knows they can visit whenever they want because I'm happy to host. People are different. But in any event, I would overlook the rudeness. It's the holidays, people like to spend them with family. OP can decide for herself where she wants to come out in terms of future relations, but I do think responding as above would have lasting repercussions.

[Anonymous]

OMG. The level of selfishness here is astounding! They are coming to see you and your kids, her grand kids and nieces and nephews. What is wrong with you? It doesn't sound like you get that much sleep anyway with young kids and a new born so try to use this and have them watch the kids while you rest. I am seriously disillusioned by how selfish and nasty people are here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why didn't you have this fight several weeks ago? Why did you even ask them their plans if you'd already established you guys weren't traveling? Just let it go.

Why didn't you tell them "Oh, gosh, I wasn't inviting you, my bad! We're planning a small Thanskgiving this year since the baby is here, no overnight guests"?

As it stands, text back, "I believe we had agreed upon Friday--that's what works for us. We need the weekend to ourselves. Can't wait to see you!"

Remind your DH that if he won't stand up to his family, you will, and it won't be pretty. Even if he doesn't care who comes when, he should care about *your* feelings.

This is terribly rude advice. I understand and appreciate boundaries for serious transgressions, but OP describes behavior well within the range of annoying-but-normal. Everyone is within their rights to behave this way, of course, but it will hurt feelings and set up future issues. This is advice for someone looking to "win" as between wife/new family vs. parents/old family, not someone looking to get along with and accept their DH's family's foibles (just like, I assume, we would expect DH to accept his wife's family).

Isn't it ruder to invite themselves to someone else's house for Thanksgiving? And to announce with only a few days notice that they're staying two extra days?

The ILs are being terribly rude themselves here.

Fair enough. But still not grounds to start throwing metaphorical bombs IMO.

Seems to me it comes down to how you want to be perceived by your family, honestly. I really don't mean that as snark. I have a cousin who I am close to, and she draws very firm lines with regard to visits from grandparents for her kids in particular for visits during the week. Her husband travels M-Th for work and she keeps the kids on a strict schedule while he's gone in order to manage. She doesn't want the grandparents messing that up. I OTOH welcome visitors and generally am open to them staying as long as they like. I enjoy that my extended family knows they can visit whenever they want because I'm happy to host. People are different. But in any event, I would overlook the rudeness. It's the holidays, people like to spend them with family. OP can decide for herself where she wants to come out in terms of future relations, but I do think responding as above would have lasting repercussions.

The thing is, this isn't her first kid--the OP already knows what to expect from her MIL, her SIL, and her DH.

From her MIL and SIL: "they tend to use these visits as MIL and SIL time while ignoring us, they talk rudely about politics, and they tell me how to parent." And they invited themselves for Thanksgiving.

From her DH: He doesn't say anything to alter a long-standing dynamic that frustrates the OP.

The OP has a newborn. If there's ever a time for her to be selfish and stand up for what she wants/needs, it's now. I would argue that she should have said they weren't hosting guests for Thanksgiving this year, but that's too late, so at least stand up for a shorter visit. Use the language about having made plans another PP suggested, if need be, but stand up for herself since no one else will. Sometimes people who are rude don't take hints--you've got to be a little blunter for them to "get" it, because they're so used to getting away with doing what they want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Let them come and put them to work while they are visiting.
"MIL, can you hold the baby while I go to the bathroom?"
"SIL, the baby's napping, can you run to the store and pick up these things?"
"MIL, can you put the load in the hamper into the washing machine? Your grandson goes through sleepers so fast, it's hard to keep up with him!"
"SIL, can you watch the baby on the playmat while I grab a quick shower?"

There are so many new parents that come on to DCUM complaining about not having enough time to eat, bathe and go to the bathroom. Take advantage of having two extra adults in the house who can help you with the multi-tasking jobs enough so that you can get basics like eating, showering and bathroom breaks in.

OP, send a text letting them know they'll be on call -- "Great, the new baby has really thrown us off and we'd love to have people to help out for a weekend."

It may turn out they have to go back earlier than Sunday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why didn't you have this fight several weeks ago? Why did you even ask them their plans if you'd already established you guys weren't traveling? Just let it go.

Why didn't you tell them "Oh, gosh, I wasn't inviting you, my bad! We're planning a small Thanskgiving this year since the baby is here, no overnight guests"?

As it stands, text back, "I believe we had agreed upon Friday--that's what works for us. We need the weekend to ourselves. Can't wait to see you!"

Remind your DH that if he won't stand up to his family, you will, and it won't be pretty. Even if he doesn't care who comes when, he should care about *your* feelings.

This is terribly rude advice. I understand and appreciate boundaries for serious transgressions, but OP describes behavior well within the range of annoying-but-normal. Everyone is within their rights to behave this way, of course, but it will hurt feelings and set up future issues. This is advice for someone looking to "win" as between wife/new family vs. parents/old family, not someone looking to get along with and accept their DH's family's foibles (just like, I assume, we would expect DH to accept his wife's family).

Isn't it ruder to invite themselves to someone else's house for Thanksgiving? And to announce with only a few days notice that they're staying two extra days?

The ILs are being terribly rude themselves here.

Hence the problem in our society. They are not going to just "someone else's house," they are going to son's and brother's house. OP is their family now, but OP is a selfish something, something. There is nothing to stand up to his family for and nothing for OP to black mail her DH that it "won't be pretty." She is his wife, but she is not the only person in his family. Her feelinsg are selfish and insane and the only thing she will accomplish with this behavior is him regretting he married such a nasty person. Grow up people!

[Anonymous]

I've had two newborns myself. Not an excuse for rudeness or behavior that otherwise wouldn't fly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OMG. The level of selfishness here is astounding! They are coming to see you and your kids, her grand kids and nieces and nephews. What is wrong with you? It doesn't sound like you get that much sleep anyway with young kids and a new born so try to use this and have them watch the kids while you rest. I am seriously disillusioned by how selfish and nasty people are here.

This. I can see why people have so many in law issues on this board. This is really no big deal and if DH is fine with it, you really don't have a leg to stand on. Take this as an opportunity for some free babysitting. If you aren't comfortable leaving the baby with them, leave DH in charge and head out for some you time!

[Anonymous]

Suck it up to keep the peace. Ask them to help with the kids (i.e., spend time with them) when it makes sense. Tell your husband he needs to step it up as host.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OK, as someone who is not close to family, I find this post very sad. I wished I had family members who were pleasant enough to want to stay an extra couple of days. Your ear is 365 days. I think you can tolerate 1% of that with your in-laws, no? Unless hey are really offensive, I would let it go and just enjoy the time with them.

I swear -- you ppl on DCUM all seem to have in-law issues.

100% agree.

I agree also. This place is eye opening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG. The level of selfishness here is astounding! They are coming to see you and your kids, her grand kids and nieces and nephews. What is wrong with you? It doesn't sound like you get that much sleep anyway with young kids and a new born so try to use this and have them watch the kids while you rest. I am seriously disillusioned by how selfish and nasty people are here.

This. I can see why people have so many in law issues on this board. This is really no big deal and if DH is fine with it, you really don't have a leg to stand on. Take this as an opportunity for some free babysitting. If you aren't comfortable leaving the baby with them, leave DH in charge and head out for some you time!

Barring an emergency or an unusual situation, it's common courtesy to not change previously agreed upon plans at the last minute. It's rude, inconsiderate, and disrespectful of other people's time. This is true regardless of whoever you are visiting. What if OP made plans for Sat/Sun because she thought MIL/SIL were not staying thru the weekend? Should OP have to change her plans (which can include commitments to other people) because her in-laws decided to stay an extra two days? Btw, MIL didn't ask her son and DIL if she and SIL could extend their stay- she just announced it on group text.