Clothing for school and kids with social issues

[Anonymous]

What is wrong with gray sweatpants?

[Anonymous]

Your post disgusts me, because it shows the pervasive and terribly negative assumptions teachers make about their students with special needs.

That they're basically unaware. And that their parents are clueless.

No, they're not, and we're not.

My 5th grader and some other children I know with IEPs know full well that their appearance has social consequences. They have been teased and bullied. In that knowledge and that experience, they still have dress preferences. My son works very hard to satisfy everyone around him - his peers' dress code, my exigencies on clean clothes, his sensorial rejection of any artificial fibers, etc. He can articulate for me which priority he has considered and which he has rejected that morning. It occupies a part of his mind which should be occupied more fruitfully.

And he has to do this not only with clothes, but with ALL the other aspects of his quirky personality - trying to get it to fit molds which are put upon him by society, while striving to keep his identity and what makes him his own person. It's bloody WORK.

Don't you think it's awful that you, a grown-up, should reinforce that pressure? You should be the voice of tolerance and acceptance! My son's neurotypical friends DO NOT CARE what he looks like! They care that he's taken his meds so that he can joke about with them, follow their banter and play Minecraft.

Shame on you, OP.

[Anonymous]

OP, it is very different being a teacher vs. a parent of a SN child. When you have been a parent, let us know. The child may insist on the grey sweat pants. The family may be paying so much in private services, while they they have a good income on paper, paying $1000-2000 a month in services is a huge hit. Parents may not be shoppers or care. Good haircut. I care, but no matter where we go reasonable priced, few give a really skilled hair cut. So, please tell me where to go. Once I said keep it long and the woman buzzed it all off - I was so pissed.

[Anonymous]

I guess I'm in the minority because I'm a parent of a SN child and I happen to think OP has a point. I grew up "poor" and I have a close family member with ASD. I know that first hand that clothing/hygiene/appearance goes a long way and as early as the second grade.

I make sure that I observe what the other boys wear and I make sure that I have it in a way that my DS will wear. I do "die on the hill" of regular showers and nail clipping and hair cuts. It's important for social acceptance.

I'm not saying go out and spend a bunch of money on unaffordable name brands-- we have a lot plain tees and a few of the name brands to put on once or twice a week. Athletic pants are big for elementary school boys and happen to be way more comfortable for sensory issues.

I think the OP's viewpoint is valid- she's in the school and sees what other kids respond to positively/negatively on a daily basis. I get being defensive. I have battles over nail clipping and hair cuts- I have to keep stain remover so my sin doesn't destroy his clothes and I'm a regular at the school lost and found.... But still, part of social skills is noticing and responding to norms. This stuff does matter.

[Anonymous]

Of course she has a point. We get it. Truly. But when every fucking day is a battle, and, by the way I have another kid who needs my time, I have decided that clean clothes are good enough. No sweatpants? Give me a break. Op talks as if this is a battle we haven't all fought. Good God.

[Anonymous]

You know what's a victory for me? My child can now bend his fingers enough to dress himself mostly on his own. Think about that before you judge his appearance. A lot of SN kids are dealing with a lot of struggles that you don't necessarily see.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Your post disgusts me, because it shows the pervasive and terribly negative assumptions teachers make about their students with special needs.

That they're basically unaware. And that their parents are clueless.

No, they're not, and we're not.

This. A million times this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess I'm in the minority because I'm a parent of a SN child and I happen to think OP has a point. I grew up "poor" and I have a close family member with ASD. I know that first hand that clothing/hygiene/appearance goes a long way and as early as the second grade.

I make sure that I observe what the other boys wear and I make sure that I have it in a way that my DS will wear. I do "die on the hill" of regular showers and nail clipping and hair cuts. It's important for social acceptance.

I'm not saying go out and spend a bunch of money on unaffordable name brands-- we have a lot plain tees and a few of the name brands to put on once or twice a week. Athletic pants are big for elementary school boys and happen to be way more comfortable for sensory issues.

I think the OP's viewpoint is valid- she's in the school and sees what other kids respond to positively/negatively on a daily basis. I get being defensive. I have battles over nail clipping and hair cuts- I have to keep stain remover so my sin doesn't destroy his clothes and I'm a regular at the school lost and found.... But still, part of social skills is noticing and responding to norms. This stuff does matter.

SN or not, my child is not wearing athletic pants to school. Nor, is he getting sent with his under armor, nike or adidas or good columbia jacket. He's keeping those at home and going in cheap clothing that I don't care if it gets lost or stolen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
The OP is right. A few years ago, my middle school neighbor ran into this. She was much more developed than the other girls but wore pants that were to short and too tight, tees that were too small, etc. She appeared babyish and was a magnet for unwanted male attention because they thought she was naive.

Fortunately, the neighborhood girls really liked her and took her shopping with her mom's approval and it made all the difference in her appearance. She fit in with her peers and was no longer a target.

Another observer

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Your post disgusts me, because it shows the pervasive and terribly negative assumptions teachers make about their students with special needs.

That they're basically unaware. And that their parents are clueless.

No, they're not, and we're not.

My 5th grader and some other children I know with IEPs know full well that their appearance has social consequences. They have been teased and bullied. In that knowledge and that experience, they still have dress preferences. My son works very hard to satisfy everyone around him - his peers' dress code, my exigencies on clean clothes, his sensorial rejection of any artificial fibers, etc. He can articulate for me which priority he has considered and which he has rejected that morning. It occupies a part of his mind which should be occupied more fruitfully.

And he has to do this not only with clothes, but with ALL the other aspects of his quirky personality - trying to get it to fit molds which are put upon him by society, while striving to keep his identity and what makes him his own person. It's bloody WORK.

Don't you think it's awful that you, a grown-up, should reinforce that pressure? You should be the voice of tolerance and acceptance! My son's neurotypical friends DO NOT CARE what he looks like! They care that he's taken his meds so that he can joke about with them, follow their banter and play Minecraft.

Shame on you, OP.

Agree 100%. It's very disheartening that OP is a special Ed teacher and yet has no real understanding for why these kids are dressed the way they are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess I'm in the minority because I'm a parent of a SN child and I happen to think OP has a point. I grew up "poor" and I have a close family member with ASD. I know that first hand that clothing/hygiene/appearance goes a long way and as early as the second grade.

I make sure that I observe what the other boys wear and I make sure that I have it in a way that my DS will wear. I do "die on the hill" of regular showers and nail clipping and hair cuts. It's important for social acceptance.

I'm not saying go out and spend a bunch of money on unaffordable name brands-- we have a lot plain tees and a few of the name brands to put on once or twice a week. Athletic pants are big for elementary school boys and happen to be way more comfortable for sensory issues.

I think the OP's viewpoint is valid- she's in the school and sees what other kids respond to positively/negatively on a daily basis. I get being defensive. I have battles over nail clipping and hair cuts- I have to keep stain remover so my sin doesn't destroy his clothes and I'm a regular at the school lost and found.... But still, part of social skills is noticing and responding to norms. This stuff does matter.

I think we are all taking offense at the condescension. OP is speaking to us as if we don't realize how our kids appear to others in the mainstream and then further advocating that we prioritize a more mainstream appearance with kids are see sensory challenged, extremely inflexible, and unable to internalize the social importance of appearance enough to make it a motivating factor. When my HFA DS reached puberty, I had to continually send her back to her room to use deodorant. Finally, I had to compromise between letting her have her aesthetic and comfort choices (sweatpants, crocs, etc.) and insisting on good hygiene for the sake of civility (teeth, body odor), which effects other people. Body odor and unwashed hair affects others; sweatpants do not. When OP lumps them all together, she is saying that if we just made the effort to make our SN kids look more "normal" then other kids wouldn't tease them. Unbelievable that she is a Special Ed teacher.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Of course she has a point. We get it. Truly. But when every fucking day is a battle, and, by the way I have another kid who needs my time, I have decided that clean clothes are good enough. No sweatpants? Give me a break. Op talks as if this is a battle we haven't all fought. Good God.

Exactly.

[Anonymous]

It is not condescension. The OP was not addressing all parents of kids with special needs, she was simply offering some helpful tips to some parents who are able to make a few adjustments. Good hygiene should not be a compromise for comfort choices; they compliment each other.

The OP made a practical suggestion that applies to the general population as well as to kids with special needs. Unfortunately, some are teased because they have poor hygiene and some are teased because their clothes are stained, ill-fitting, etc.

The same thing goes for adults in the workplace without special needs who choose comfort over hygiene and ignore company dress codes. It can be very alienating.

[Anonymous]

I just think parents are tired. Sure everyone wants their kid too look nice, etc. sometimes it's another battle . Some kids like certain clothing even if it foes not fit. As for the showering most preteen boys and girls are showering themselves. Even younger kids to foster independence. Yes, they need to be directed on his and maybe even told to go back and do it again. It's hard being a parent of a child with do excusal needs in so many ways. I a. Not trying to undermine the social implication of looking and smelling good but done times it's just too much for the parent .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
It is not condescension. The OP was not addressing all parents of kids with special needs, she was simply offering some helpful tips to some parents who are able to make a few adjustments. Good hygiene should not be a compromise for comfort choices; they compliment each other.

The OP made a practical suggestion that applies to the general population as well as to kids with special needs. Unfortunately, some are teased because they have poor hygiene and some are teased because their clothes are stained, ill-fitting, etc.

The same thing goes for adults in the workplace without special needs who choose comfort over hygiene and ignore company dress codes. It can be very alienating.

Please point out her helpful tips. Because I don't get what's helpful about her post, and I don't even have a kid on the spectrum. I have a physically disabled kid who I dress in clothes of my choosing. She is acting as if parents of kids with these issues are blind to the situation and just don't give a damn, when they obviously, from their many posts, are trying their very best, each and every day, and so are their kids, against the very symptoms that make it highly difficult for their kids to dress and have good hygiene.

What is helpful about pointing out the obvious? What is helpful in adding to feelings of guilt and shame? What is helpful about making it sound as if it is a parent's responsibility to have your child fit in 100%, and 100% of the time? If I were a parent of a child with these issues, I would have cried after reading that post.

And OP, your mention that you are not referring to the severely disabled kids? Why, how condescending of you to have no expectations of those kids! Of course you have zero expectations of those children and their clothing! They are just inert objects, of course, without peers, educational objectives, social hopes and dreams, and can show up in any shitty rag, of course! You are an awful person. Please get a new job.