Clothing for school and kids with social issues

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the parent of two kids with ASD and I honestly don't take offense at OP's post. Clearly I'm in the minority, though.

I'm a pp whose son has ADHD, social language pragmatic deficits, some sensory issues, and can be inflexible about clothing. I'm not offended by OP's post. If people find it disgusting and offensive and deserving of reporting- fine. I don't think so.

I get that these things can be battles and we all have to choose what we can manage each day-- for our family, it's peer relationships. I have a kid who wants friends so desperately and has no idea how to make them. I spend a lot of energy working to help DS find some friends and To understand social norms. He goes to social skills therapy, he has an advocate at school who can help him with social interactions, and I make sure that clothing/hygiene don't set him apart from his peers. My DS has literally sobbed on the car ride home from school, depressed over friendships- his therapist really works with us on how to get those friendships going because we know that belonging and friends are so critical to kids happiness and self esteem.

Me, either. I have a 13 year old boy with HFA. You better believe that when he started junior high, I made an effort to find out what clothing brands are "cool" and made sure that he had those. He needs all of the help that he can get socially, and at a minimum, it provides some protective coloration. I didn't have to work very hard to find very soft tshirts and hoodies from Aeropostle and Abercrombie that he didn't mind wearing.

BTW, he mixes in some character shirts with his "cool" shirts. It doesn't have to be one or the other.

[Anonymous]

Someone might find this line of clothing to be of help:
http://abcnews.go.com/Lifestyle/mom-creates-clothing-line-autistic-children-learn-dress/story?id=32259187

The items are stylish and really well made. Durable.

[Anonymous]

Has anyone noted how some teachers dress? That's where the true travesty lies!

Doesn't feel so good having the tables turned, does it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the parent of two kids with ASD and I honestly don't take offense at OP's post. Clearly I'm in the minority, though.

I am a parent of a kid who was bullied in late elementary and I don't take offense at the content of OPs post. It is a good reminder, especially for things like character shirts for older kids and the "wrong" kind of pants (ie fleece sweats vs athletic pants...guilty as charged).

I think her tone and delivery needed some softening though, given her audience.

My husband likes to wear some star wars character shirts. I know tons of people of all ages. Sorry OP it isn't to your approval.

I posted a little longer, personal, and kind explaination that got deleted by Jeff because I had also quoted that nasty mean post.

My post was not a personal slam to your husband. You need to filter out what is kind and helpful (hint, not my post) and what is mean spirited (Those posts appeared to have been deleted by Jeff).

I am not going to rewrite my post that got deleted, but I will say that using my 20/20 rear view mirror, I wish I would have started gradually filtering out my sons beloved minecraft and lego Ts starting in fourth grade so they were mostly completely gone by the end of fifth, and replaced them gradually with equally comfortable mand oftenr cheaper (if you buy at TJ Maxx or Marshalls) Under Armor shirts, plain Ts, etc.

I also wished I had dropped the whole "athletic pants are not for school" line of thought.

When my son noticed in sixth that he did not look like the other kids and that fashion was part of the bullying, we switched over into more current clothes. But by then, it was too late and the switch was so obvious. He went to school excited and proud of the new Under Armor hoodie he had picked out (all the kids wore these) and came home with it stuffed in his backpack.

If I could give advice to help other kids like my son, it would be to deal with the battle at home to make the future days at school much essier. If we had started gradually filtering out his preferred character Ts back in fourth, the change would have been so gradual and it would have saved him a lot of heartache.

I am a PP and was wondering what happened to your post. I thought that your response in the deleted post was sensitive because it addressed the fact that even though frazzled moms have their hands full doing the best that they can, that sometimes going an extra step with wardrobe changes might make social acceptance a little easier.

[Anonymous]

I'm sure if all our kids dressed in the latest fashions, people like OP would still find something to pick on these kids for.

So... I can buy the best clothes but should I tell my kid to keep their mouth shut... wouldn't want DC to be bullied for his language skills. Should I tell DC not to move their body? Their arms might flap!

Point being... it's not a matter of simply choosing to wear the right clothes. It's about being forced to conform in ways that probably won't matter much in the end anyway... But I'm glad for kids who can buy the right clothes to fit in. It's just not possible or even a good suggestion to the problem of how to fit in with peers and stop bullying. It's like blaming women for rape. Thanks. Great suggestion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Has anyone noted how some teachers dress? That's where the true travesty lies!

Doesn't feel so good having the tables turned, does it?

....but teachers are adults with fully formed identities. They have a social life with other adults who also have fully formed identities.

Middle school is a normal developmental stage where hormones and the need for peer group acceptance collide. It's why some middle schoolers are almost unbearable to be around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sure if all our kids dressed in the latest fashions, people like OP would still find something to pick on these kids for.

So... I can buy the best clothes but should I tell my kid to keep their mouth shut... wouldn't want DC to be bullied for his language skills. Should I tell DC not to move their body? Their arms might flap!

Point being... it's not a matter of simply choosing to wear the right clothes. It's about being forced to conform in ways that probably won't matter much in the end anyway... But I'm glad for kids who can buy the right clothes to fit in. It's just not possible or even a good suggestion to the problem of how to fit in with peers and stop bullying.It's like blaming women for rape. Thanks. Great suggestion.

You know what, we give women all kinds of advice on protecting themselves from rape. (Dump your drink, if you left it alone. Don't walk alone on campus. First dates should be in public places.) Suggesting that the right clothes can provide some protection isn't blaming the victim. It's trying to offer parents a small piece of advice to try to head off problems. You can't change other kids' behavior, but you can do your best to help your kid avoid being a target.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sure if all our kids dressed in the latest fashions, people like OP would still find something to pick on these kids for.

So... I can buy the best clothes but should I tell my kid to keep their mouth shut... wouldn't want DC to be bullied for his language skills. Should I tell DC not to move their body? Their arms might flap!

Point being... it's not a matter of simply choosing to wear the right clothes. It's about being forced to conform in ways that probably won't matter much in the end anyway... But I'm glad for kids who can buy the right clothes to fit in. It's just not possible or even a good suggestion to the problem of how to fit in with peers and stop bullying. It's like blaming women for rape. Thanks. Great suggestion.

I think that is a terrible analogy for several reasons, and not at all in the spirit of what OP originally said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sure if all our kids dressed in the latest fashions, people like OP would still find something to pick on these kids for.

So... I can buy the best clothes but should I tell my kid to keep their mouth shut... wouldn't want DC to be bullied for his language skills. Should I tell DC not to move their body? Their arms might flap!

Point being... it's not a matter of simply choosing to wear the right clothes. It's about being forced to conform in ways that probably won't matter much in the end anyway... But I'm glad for kids who can buy the right clothes to fit in. It's just not possible or even a good suggestion to the problem of how to fit in with peers and stop bullying.It's like blaming women for rape. Thanks. Great suggestion.

You know what, we give women all kinds of advice on protecting themselves from rape. (Dump your drink, if you left it alone. Don't walk alone on campus. First dates should be in public places.) Suggesting that the right clothes can provide some protection isn't blaming the victim. It's trying to offer parents a small piece of advice to try to head off problems. You can't change other kids' behavior, but you can do your best to help your kid avoid being a target.

But isn't it obvious that nice clothes and good hygiene help kids get along in school? How in the world is this insightful? What is being pointed out here? Do you really think anyone would feel proud of a stained ripped too small t shirt? Or believe the wearer of that garment is making a fashion statement? Of course not!

[Anonymous]

I send my child to school every day with a bandana to catch drool, as well as awkward looking foot braces that my child has to wear to keep limbs in position.

Neither of these things is traditional tween attire. Neither helps my child fit in. By extension, according to OP's "tips," these things should be jettisoned, immediately, in favor of trendy tween attire.

I really don't get the logic here. OP and her supporters seem to saying, I don't care if your clothing and appearance are caused by or attributable to your symptoms. Doesn't matter to me. I don't give a damn. It's your job to fit in, it's your parents' job to make sure you fit in. All the time. Regardless. And it damn well better be your first priority, come hell or high water.

Maybe, just maybe, OP. you could consider a support group? For the kids whose attire is stained, ripped, too short, too babyish, too logo-oriented? Maybe you could support instead of condemning them? Hell, invite the disabled kids too!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
It is not condescension. The OP was not addressing all parents of kids with special needs, she was simply offering some helpful tips to some parents who are able to make a few adjustments. Good hygiene should not be a compromise for comfort choices; they compliment each other.

The OP made a practical suggestion that applies to the general population as well as to kids with special needs. Unfortunately, some are teased because they have poor hygiene and some are teased because their clothes are stained, ill-fitting, etc.

The same thing goes for adults in the workplace without special needs who choose comfort over hygiene and ignore company dress codes. It can be very alienating.

Please point out her helpful tips. Because I don't get what's helpful about her post, and I don't even have a kid on the spectrum. I have a physically disabled kid who I dress in clothes of my choosing. She is acting as if parents of kids with these issues are blind to the situation and just don't give a damn, when they obviously, from their many posts, are trying their very best, each and every day, and so are their kids, against the very symptoms that make it highly difficult for their kids to dress and have good hygiene.

What is helpful about pointing out the obvious? What is helpful in adding to feelings of guilt and shame? What is helpful about making it sound as if it is a parent's responsibility to have your child fit in 100%, and 100% of the time? If I were a parent of a child with these issues, I would have cried after reading that post.

And OP, your mention that you are not referring to the severely disabled kids? Why, how condescending of you to have no expectations of those kids! Of course you have zero expectations of those children and their clothing! They are just inert objects, of course, without peers, educational objectives, social hopes and dreams, and can show up in any shitty rag, of course! You are an awful person. Please get a new job.

Yes

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I send my child to school every day with a bandana to catch drool, as well as awkward looking foot braces that my child has to wear to keep limbs in position.

Neither of these things is traditional tween attire. Neither helps my child fit in. By extension, according to OP's "tips," these things should be jettisoned, immediately, in favor of trendy tween attire.

I really don't get the logic here. OP and her supporters seem to saying, I don't care if your clothing and appearance are caused by or attributable to your symptoms. Doesn't matter to me. I don't give a damn. It's your job to fit in, it's your parents' job to make sure you fit in. All the time. Regardless. And it damn well better be your first priority, come hell or high water.

Maybe, just maybe, OP. you could consider a support group? For the kids whose attire is stained, ripped, too short, too babyish, too logo-oriented? Maybe you could support instead of condemning them? Hell, invite the disabled kids too!

No. If you read the original post, OP was sensitive to the different needs and no one said to get rid of items that kids need to function. No one said the number one priority is to fit in and no one condemned anyone or said that parents aren't working hard enough-- in fact OP took care to mention that she knows how hard parents work. The message (as I read and see it) is that appearance is another aspect of social acceptance and social norms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I send my child to school every day with a bandana to catch drool, as well as awkward looking foot braces that my child has to wear to keep limbs in position.

Neither of these things is traditional tween attire. Neither helps my child fit in. By extension, according to OP's "tips," these things should be jettisoned, immediately, in favor of trendy tween attire.

I really don't get the logic here. OP and her supporters seem to saying, I don't care if your clothing and appearance are caused by or attributable to your symptoms. Doesn't matter to me. I don't give a damn. It's your job to fit in, it's your parents' job to make sure you fit in. All the time. Regardless. And it damn well better be your first priority, come hell or high water.

Maybe, just maybe, OP. you could consider a support group? For the kids whose attire is stained, ripped, too short, too babyish, too logo-oriented? Maybe you could support instead of condemning them? Hell, invite the disabled kids too!

No. If you read the original post, OP was sensitive to the different needs and no one said to get rid of items that kids need to function. No one said the number one priority is to fit in and no one condemned anyone or said that parents aren't working hard enough-- in fact OP took care to mention that she knows how hard parents work. The message (as I read and see it) is that appearance is another aspect of social acceptance and social norms.

+1000

[Anonymous]

OP, my kid wears anything from Kmart, Target to Walmart to Under Armour and Nike. What ever I get on cheap clearance. Funny thing, there was another kid in the same shirt I got at Kmart. And, it looked great on both kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, my kid wears anything from Kmart, Target to Walmart to Under Armour and Nike. What ever I get on cheap clearance. Funny thing, there was another kid in the same shirt I got at Kmart. And, it looked great on both kids.

PSA: Old Navy is having a tshirt sale- plain, soft, neutral colors. $5 each I bought ten since I'm expecting a lot of stains from summer camp and BBQ.

Old Navy also has new line of athletic wear- affordable and comfortable looking. I've been supportive of OP in this thread but darn those fashions are expensive!