Reply to Lack of Sex starting to cause issues/fights

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[quote=Anonymous]OP, you're going to get crucified for this post. I hope you stick around for the advice you'll get in between but they're going to ream you for this because you're going to make a lot of women uncomfortable by reading this.

First of all, it's easy for us to sit here and say "Wow she sounds terrible- a husband who is understanding and does laundry and meals and childcare and all she does is bitch." However, that doesn't do you any good, and I'm sure there are positive attributes as well so putting that aside, let me help shed some light on what's going on here.

Your wife is having an identity crisis. I've been thinking a lot lately about how women fundamentally change after their kids are born. I would say for myself, it was not until I had been a parent for probably 4, 5 years that it felt like my natural persona and not just a new facet of myself I was trying to squeeze into my own personality. Does this make sense? It is a HUGE shift and I find that even for the women who enjoy motherhood, it can take a couple years for everything to shake out and feel natural and normal and not like they are role playing at something that still feels a bit foreign and unknown to them. At 8 months PP, your wife is right there in it still. I loved being a mom (still do) but it took me those 4/5 years to reach an equilibrium of feeling like I was a mom AND a wife AND a person with my own hopes and dreams and goals and foibles and strengths and it didn't all have to be one or the other, I could be all of them equally all at once. When I reached that point, I recovered a lot of "myself"- ambition, new goals, the ability to go after them and foster new interests. Yes, my marriage got better.

Her weight is probably a huge deal for her as well. On top of all the other identity stuff she's got going on, she's got a body that is unfamiliar to her and is depressing. It doesn't help that she no longer feels like herself, she doesn't even look like herself now. Losing weight will be great for her mentally because if she resembles her old self, the other stuff will start falling into place as well.

This is just so you can see what's going on inside her head right now. I know she's annoying and a pain in the ass and difficult but she can't help that. She's not trying to be those things, it's all a very complicated process in "finding herself" again, to borrow a very trite phrase. Here's what you need to do:

Encourage her to get back to herself. Tell her she has to be able to take care of herself to be a happy member of the family.

Get a therapist so you can safely vent, because you do have the right to do so and it won't be healthy for you not to.

Tell her that you're not mad about the sex, but that you can see it's creating distance between you two so ask can you work together to foster connection in another way until she feels more physically/mentally capable of having sex.

Let her know you know this is temporary and you will be right there waiting when she feels like herself again. [/quote]

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