Reply to People with spouses who have cheated (and then you stuck together)

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]People who had spouses who cheated in the past:

1) do you really ever trust them again?
2) do you wish you'd just divorced when it happened?
3) is your marriage better now?
4) anything else with your 20/20 vision from the future?

FWIW, we are a year out from the end of the affair.[/quote]

OP here. Just so you all know. I'm the cheater. I'm also finding this thread depressing, partly because we are working very hard, and partly because I know I'm still not trustworthy.[/quote]

OP, it's really weird that you say "we" are working really hard.  YOU are the one that made the mistake.  I don't care what problems you think you had in your marriage, there is NOTHING that justifies cheating.  It is all on YOU to fix this situation.  To that end, I have re-worded your questions to reflect that this is YOUR responsibility to fix:

1)  What has the cheater, aka the wayward spouse, done to show that they are a trustworthy person?  Have they cut off all contact with the AP and if AP contacts WS does WS immediately share with BS? Has he/she answered any and all questions the betrayed spouse chooses to ask about the affair?  with whatever level of detail the Betrayed spouse wants as often as BS wants?  Has the WS become completely transparent -- providing password access to all emails, ongoing access to all credit card and cell phone bills and all other financial accounts?  Is WS habitually honest and transparent now?

2)   Is the WS just going through the motions of "working hard" to save the relationship, so that the WS can later exit and not be the bad guy?  (the old, I tried but she couldn't trust me argument).  If so, it's better to just get divorced now.

3)  Is the WS honestly committed to change his own personal behavior to do whatever it takes to stay in the marriage and make it a equally happy and rewarding relationship for both partners?  Does the WS know what the BS needs for a good marriage?  Is the WS capable of providing that?  Is the WS capable of expressing his needs and negotiating how they can be met and dealing with unmet needs without hostility or infidelity?

4)  Has the WS transferred half of all assets to spouse and committed in writing to a custody and child support arrangement that is beneficial to the BS in case the marriage does not survive?

OP, you should worry more about what YOU are doing.  That is what you can control.    
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