Reply to People with spouses who have cheated (and then you stuck together)

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]This thread is pretty depressing.  My husband had an affair that ended back in the summer and I am trying to work on things and stay together because we have little kids and I feel like he and the kids are my family.  We have been together 20 years.  I don't know if we are going to make it because he just seems completely unable to realize that he is at fault for at least 50% of our problems before the affair, and he just seems to want to dwell on my perceived shortcomings.  It's insane, and I think he really feels justified in having the affair though he cries and says he is remorseful and ashamed.  I don't want a divorce or to split custody, etc., but I don't think I can live forever in this world of his where all that needs to happen is for me to be more nurturing (long story, but I can be emotionally distant at times - coping mechanism I learned growing up in a completely batshit family).  Luckily, I make enough money to be okay, though not flush, if we part ways.

I want to believe there can be a happy ending.  I hope there are some posters who can provide hope.[/quote]

So sorry.  I think if your husband perceives this affair as something that is your fault there is really no chance of reconciling happily.  Have you done any therapy with a therapist that has spoken to him about his responsibility for the affair?

The big lesson of my husband's affair and the aftermath for me was -- sometimes in life we only have shitty choices and all we can do is try and pick the least shitty choice or the shitty choice with the consequences we think we can best live with.  When I uncovered my ex's infidelity and his refusal to accept responsibility became clear, I was left only with bad choices -- A) stay in a terrible relationship which would continue to damage me and set a horrible example for the kids, or B) end the relationship and accept the consequences of that on the children but try to mitigate it by building a new, happier, healthier relationship with the kids during the amount of time I had them.  I chose B.  That was what I could live with.  I wish there had ben other options, but there weren't.

Have you read the link on the Emotional Labor thread -- http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/0/525733.page#8168679.  I think it would be interesting for you.  By refusing to accept responsibility for the affair, your H is essentially shifting the entire burden of the emotional labor of reconciliation onto you.  Pretty interesting that he had the affair, and yet he wants you to make him feel better about having had it by accepting responsibility and changing so he won't "have" to do it again.  For me, that is crazy thinking.  You get to decide whether you want to accept the burden of that emotional labor. [/quote]

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