Reply to Feel Like DH Abandoned Me

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Frankly, your husband is better than mine.  Mine would not come every day.  When he would come, he would complain when he arrived about how stressful the drive was to the hospital, and how far the hospital was from our home.

[b]I think he thinks you are in good hands, that there is nothing he can give you, that just standing around there is boring, and that he would be better off making sure the home is well run so everything will be okay when you get home.  Most men don't enjoy just standing around trying to think of small talk.[/b][/quote]

You won't know for sure unless you get his perspective.  All I can just tell you when my husband was hospitalized while we were on vacation I had never been so scared in my life.  The thought that I could lose him was unthinkable.  Even though I had lots of friends, I felt alone.  We were fortunate that my in-laws were back home and could continue to watch the kids so that was one less worry.  I had to take on the logistics of where to stay, how to get around, and when we would get home on the fly. I also thought the hospital did a piss poor job of explaining what to expect and what was going on so I felt like I had to be DH's advocate to figure out what the heck was going on.  On top of that we had insurance issues where no one at the hospital could tell us anything but someone did come by to say we owed $9000 and would we be paying that by credit card :shock:   Through all of that I didn't feel like I had someone to support me.  Not in a listen to me vent way, but could actually be like hand me the phone, the insurance department is giving you BS, I've been thru this before and this is how you handle it, or do t worry about X logistic I can do it, or medical stories like my cousin had the same thing and it is typical to run these tests and it's good that they have ruled these things out.  I of course couldn't share the burden with FH because he was the patient that needed to focus on his health.

In the end everything was okay but I can completely see how the "team" marriage concept can be difficult when one person is sick. How you think you are helping the person may not be the help they want.  The person that is sick is facing his/her own mortality and can feel scared and how do they process that, by sharing with spouse, parents, counselor, best friend no one?  Partner is likely also feeling the same.  There is that balance between being honest but not being a burden.  There are also real life logistical tradeoffs they even though you as a patient may want your partner by your side, is it worth him/her losing their job if it is that type of company?  Is it worth using most of sick/vacation and that not having any when you come home from the hospital?  Do you want to be home from the hospital doing it all yourself?  In OP's case it is her step kids but if it was her kids at home, would she have felt comfortable having neighbors watch them? I know when my kids were young I didn't really deal comfortable with anyone other than our parents watching them for any length of time.  I would probably send my husband home to be with the kids unless I knew I really, really, needed him there to be my advocate at the hospital or some critical discussion was going to happen with the medical team.  If I'm just watching Days of Our lives on TV, then no, rather him be with the kids.[/quote]

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