My kid doesn't want to return to college

[Anonymous]

fwiw, here's a personal anecdote: I had an incredibly miserable first semester at college. I would have loved to quit or transfer or anything, but I guess it was a different climate back then -- none of that seemed like an option. So I stuck it out. And you know what? It became something I'm really proud of. I never fell in love with the school, but I'm glad I stayed. I look back and it makes me feel really resilient. It's definitely helped me to get through subsequent difficult times in my adult life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:fwiw, here's a personal anecdote: I had an incredibly miserable first semester at college. I would have loved to quit or transfer or anything, but I guess it was a different climate back then -- none of that seemed like an option. So I stuck it out. And you know what? It became something I'm really proud of. I never fell in love with the school, but I'm glad I stayed. I look back and it makes me feel really resilient. It's definitely helped me to get through subsequent difficult times in my adult life.

I think that the big thing is that she's already gone through that. She stuck it out at the high school she didn't like, and so is really really really just ready for things to get better...

[Anonymous]

High suicide risk. Listen to your child.

[Anonymous]

How large was her high school? Would a smaller college be better for her?

[Anonymous]

I was your daughter once. Stuck it out, but that was a waste. Left after the first year and took a year off (I worked full time though). When I went back (to a new school) things were much better.

Looking back, I think I chose poorly when I picked the school. I knew at freshman orientation it was a mistake. I wish I had chosen the much smaller school several people encouraged me to select.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. I wanted to expand on my first post because I left out some information.

This is my child with little self-confidence and some anxiety issues. In high school, she had a history of under-performance in the social department. She was often lonely BUT both she and I know she is not socially incompetent so however nervous, she went to college really wanting to succeed - she did all the right things...joined clubs, leaves her door open, DOES get along with the roommate, volunteers, etc. just like she did in high school without success, so the fact that this is round 2 of no success is devastating to her.

No success in what exactly? It sounds to me your daughter and you (by proxy) are trying to achieve an unwritten social standard that seems out of your reach. What do you mean by "under-performance in the social department"? Are you two trying to force a nervous introvert into a social-butterfly mold? This just sounds so wrong to me. If her social skills are truly lacking, you should be addressing this, but not by sending her away to "succeed" in something she "failed" before.

I would also be concerned with her lack of academic success. Is the major too difficult for her? Is she not willing to put in the work? Does she have any long-term goals, or was going to college a default option in your family/social circle? Is depression and/or anxiety an issue?

I really think you need to let your kid stay at home and attend a local CC. Reach out for help from professionals. (I don't mean to be too dramatic, and I'm usually the last person to send someone to a therapist, but your story comes across as worrisome to me. I mean everything I say very kindly and don't want to criticize or offend you.)

[Anonymous]

Look at a much smaller school. Let her stay at home and wait until the fall if you have to do that. Give her time. Life is not a race.

I transferred after 1.5 years in college. I had picked the wrong place. I took a semester off and that helped me to become a stronger person and look at things with much more perspective when I went back. I am a successful person with an advanced degree now.

[Anonymous]

Let her come home, have her work plus take some classes at GM or Nova.

This is not a failure. She needs to find a college with a better fit.

Prayers.

[Anonymous]

No judgment here, either way. Let her come home or help her stay and work it out. Just think about the PP's personal anecdote. Working through challenges like social anxiety can be a big benefit. It truly does build resilience.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, it sounds like an adjustment in expectations is required in order for her to go back---both on her part and on yours, OP. You explanation re "under performance" and all that makes me think you guys imagined college as a cure-all, that somehow she'd be transformed by the experience of being there. It's a process, developing yourself over time; testing the environment, making choices. A semester won't do. If there were a way to remove the pressure to Cinderella, and just enjoy whatever piece of the experience she could, I'd suggest a return. First semesters are taxing. I was a very strong candidate--- sociable, fiercely academic, confident/outgoing---and the first semester of each degree program I've ever joined was a test. You get back in there and earn/find your place. That's my thinking generally, but here it seems like there was far too high an expectation set in place. Something needs to change. If you can bolster next term for her with a paid Spring Break trip, or find a cool internship for her to enjoy, I would do it. Can you read some YA stuff this winter break? I'd want to fill her head with Outsider heroes; build her up with the idea that this experience is her own, trusting her to find her way.

Please find a different measure for success, OP. There doesn't seem to be any gray area here. She feels she failed because the transformation wasn't perfect. What about all that she has gained these last months? Please reflect back to her all that she has truly achieved. Do what you can to make next term more appealing---a summer trip, study abroad, new clothes, tickets to that concert...whatever you can do to get her back into the game. I feel like leaving now would only compound her sense of failure.

There are life coaches that work by phone or Skype. How about that? I think it's worth looking into it.

[Anonymous]

Those grades are worrisome, OP. I would encourage your daughter to spend a semester home, take classes at the CC and re-evaluate where she wants to go to school.

[Anonymous]

Let her relax for now. Then talk again after a few days of sleeping, eating, watching movies on the couch.

She is probably super exhausted, let her recharge before thinking through such a big decision.

Do let her know that you will support her whatever the decision will be, that will take some pressure off her.

I loved my college experience but remember coming home for winter break completely exhausted. I slept and ate and relaxed for a week before feeling normal again.

[Anonymous]

I think having her talk to someone might help a lot, especially in terms of figuring out exactly what's going on. College was when I really started to struggle academically, and had always struggled to make social connections. Years later, I was diagnosed with ADHD, which can have a huge social impact. Once I started taking medication, I had a much easier time engaging socially and making friends. I'm not saying your DD has ADHD, just that you should keep an open mind about what might be behind this and not just jump to the obvious.

[Anonymous]

Another therapist here - has she ever seen someone? She sounds like she may be anxious/depressed and that she is giving that off socially. In other words, if she has been having very limited social success in both high school and college then that is an excellent sign something is wrong. Does she have friends? It's hard to know what "limited social success" means to you and to her. JMU may not be the right fit for her and it may do her a world of good to stay home, take classes locally (that would be a must for staying home) and also have her get a job for the spring semester. I know this is so hard for both of you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another therapist here - has she ever seen someone? She sounds like she may be anxious/depressed and that she is giving that off socially. In other words, if she has been having very limited social success in both high school and college then that is an excellent sign something is wrong. Does she have friends? It's hard to know what "limited social success" means to you and to her. JMU may not be the right fit for her and it may do her a world of good to stay home, take classes locally (that would be a must for staying home) and also have her get a job for the spring semester. I know this is so hard for both of you!

Yes, she's gotten counseling since 8th grade...on and off, but consistently for the past year. I think it has helped, but she still has a very hard time making friends.