My kid doesn't want to return to college

[Anonymous]

The semester (at JMU) seemed to have gone ...fine. Grades aren't amazing, and she struggled socially a bit, but I have never heard of this until now. Last night in a tearful catharsis she's going on and on about how she just doesn't think she was ready for college, doesn't think she belongs there, and so on, and doesn't think she wants to go back for the next semester.

How do you deal with this?!

[Anonymous]

Have her stay home for a semester. It's really okay.

[Anonymous]

Ask her if she'd rather stay home and take 2 or 3 classes at a community college. That way, she can stay home but won't lose a lot of ground (or interest) in college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ask her if she'd rather stay home and take 2 or 3 classes at a community college. That way, she can stay home but won't lose a lot of ground (or interest) in college.

+1

As a JMU grad, the first semester is incredibly overwhelming for introverts. It's a really social school. I took a year off, went to CC, went back and rented an apartment with roommates and all was good. Still graduated in 4.5 years.

[Anonymous]

Wow, that's a tough one. Seeing any of my kids in distress like that sends me into a temporary tailspin, OP. I get it.

Still, I think it's a very good possibility that this is a normal reaction to being home after a stressful college adjustment. It sounds sort of similar to going to see kids on visiting day of sleepaway camp and having them burst into tears when it's time to leave. I'd be inclined to listen and be supportive but not rush to assume your DD really wants to leave college. Maybe take a walk or drive with her and calmly listen to her concerns? Only in a fairly extreme case would I encourage her to take a semester off or transfer. Adjustments can be hard, and often the right approach is to help kids through it rather than help them out of it.

[Anonymous]

No, make her go back. She needs to grow up at some point, and you don't just quit right away when things get tough. Make her finish the year (I assume freshman year?). If it's not better by May, then I would consider another plan.

but I also wouldn't just dump her in the deep end. Some more convos about what exactly is wrong, what could be changed. Maybe she needs to get involved with an activity (or different activity) on campus. Maybe learn roommate skills, study skills, who knows. It could be anything. I'd do a little more intervention - but don't let her quit just yet!

[Anonymous]

How are her grades? Maybe she is trying to tell you that she did badly...

[Anonymous]

^^ really badly

[Anonymous]

Another suggestion for you, OP...

I'm a psychologist working in a college counseling center. I can tell you that it's not uncommon for college freshman to come in to talk to us about adjustment issues. Sometimes the issues are social -- fitting in, finding friends, dealing with roommates; other times it's academic -- handling the workload, managing stress and time effectively, avoiding perfectionism. Often it's a combo of both. I bet if your daughter went to the JMU counseling center she'd be able to meet with a counselor and talk over some of her concerns. Often I've found this can make a world of difference -- just having an adult who isn't your parent listen and provide support can be such a help. Lots of kids go to the counseling center, and not just for serious psychological problems. Maybe talk to her about it? Maybe she knows kids at her school who've gone there?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How are her grades? Maybe she is trying to tell you that she did badly...

No, she showed me her grades. She got a 2.4ish. Like I said, not grades anyone necessarily wants, but it's not like she's going to be kicked out or even put on probation.

[Anonymous]

Check out your options for withdrawing for a semester and give her a few days to cool off and revisit the conversation after Christmas?

Does she (or anyone else in the family) have any history of depression?

If it's really just a fit issue, it's ok to take some time off or transfer to another college. My sister transferred second semester of her freshman year because her original college was mostly commuters and she wanted a more social experience. The school she transferred to was a much better fit and she loved her time there.

[Anonymous]

I would definitely probe more as to why:

- Is the school not a good fit? Does she feel isolated in H'burg? Would she do better at a smaller school? At a more religious school?

- Did something traumatic happen?

- Is she depressed?

- Is her living situation not the right fit (this can be huge!)?

- Does she have a boyfriend locally, or did her main group of HS friends all go to school together?

The reason is going to drive the solution.

Generally, I would make her go back for spring semester, and then make a decision. But for some of the reasons listed above, I would let her stay home and go to CC (and maybe get a PT job), or see if you can get a transfer now. If she can't articulate why she wants to leave, I would send her back with the goal of deciding what it is she doesn't like by spring break, and finding a college that fits her needs by the end of the semester.

I know about a dozen people who left their colleges after the first year. Most of them are all doing well in life. Most of them left because the first school they enrolled in was not a good fit for them. The ones who left for a boyfriend/group of HS friends definitely floundered for awhile.

[Anonymous]

Take a break for a minute and see if you can talk to her again and pin point what is driving this. You know your daughter best.

Was it academics? Social? Finding her place? Was she assaulted? Depending on what the driver is the response is different. Take it slow and listen.

[Anonymous]

Did she say it as if this is a decision she's come to and she was letting you know that she's not able to go back this semester?

Or was she saying that she feels like she doesn't want to go back, and she was looking to air her feelings on the matter, but haven't yet fully decided on the best path forward.

I think, either way, walk her through the options and be supportive, listening to her feelings on the matter - specifically why she doesn't want to return. I think the options include (a) going back, but with additional support in place for the things that are hard; (b) going back with some major adjustments to her situation - perhaps requesting a new roommate or getting an off-campus apartment or taking a break from campus clubs if that's just too much to handle at the moment; (c) staying here but enrolling in community college courses to fulfill her GEs; (d) staying here and working half time, going to school half time - work is really good for the soul and less likely to provoke an existential crisis than full-time study.

[Anonymous]

This is OP. I wanted to expand on my first post because I left out some information.

This is my child with little self-confidence and some anxiety issues. In high school, she had a history of under-performance in the social department. She was often lonely BUT both she and I know she is not socially incompetent so however nervous, she went to college really wanting to succeed - she did all the right things...joined clubs, leaves her door open, DOES get along with the roommate, volunteers, etc. just like she did in high school without success, so the fact that this is round 2 of no success is devastating to her.