My kid doesn't want to return to college

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ask her if she'd rather stay home and take 2 or 3 classes at a community college. That way, she can stay home but won't lose a lot of ground (or interest) in college.

+1

As a JMU grad, the first semester is incredibly overwhelming for introverts. It's a really social school. I took a year off, went to CC, went back and rented an apartment with roommates and all was good. Still graduated in 4.5 years.

This is a great plan. Consider it, OP. Your DD is very brave to tell you what isn't working for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another suggestion for you, OP...

I'm a psychologist working in a college counseling center. I can tell you that it's not uncommon for college freshman to come in to talk to us about adjustment issues. Sometimes the issues are social -- fitting in, finding friends, dealing with roommates; other times it's academic -- handling the workload, managing stress and time effectively, avoiding perfectionism. Often it's a combo of both. I bet if your daughter went to the JMU counseling center she'd be able to meet with a counselor and talk over some of her concerns. Often I've found this can make a world of difference -- just having an adult who isn't your parent listen and provide support can be such a help. Lots of kids go to the counseling center, and not just for serious psychological problems. Maybe talk to her about it? Maybe she knows kids at her school who've gone there?

I saw a suggestion over and over again about going to community college, but at Mason, once you are in, you are "stuck" there, although I am guessing there are ways around it. In other words, whatever classes you take elsewhere, you can't transfer into Mason once you start at Mason.

I know the OP said the child is at JMU, so maybe it is different there.

[Anonymous]

My daughter had a terrible time adjusting to college in her first semester, for various reasons, but part of it was difficulty making friends. She went back in January and ended up becoming good friends with two of her suite mates, and also improved her grades.

She was still very unsure about returning in the fall so we agreed to her staying home this year. She has been going to community college and working and has matured so much! She has discovered that it is even more difficult to make friends at cc and is now eager to go back to college in the fall.

In retrospect, it was good that she stuck it out for the whole first year, since she ultimately adjusted, but it was really rough. Endless tearful phone calls and constant worrying about her.

[Anonymous]

This is Northern Virginia, right? When DD came home for summer after freshmen year at a out of state university, she was often asked by neighbors, "are you going back?" She and I thought this was so weird. Of course she was going back. What did they think, that she flunked out? We had expressed nothing but love for the university and yet they didn't want to assume that she would go back.

[Anonymous]

She has only been there one semester. It takes time to make friends. There is a lot of free time at college. She might never make close friends, but she could focus on what she wants to do after college and focus on going to the career center and see about getting a part time job in her field. She also needs to bring up her grades.

I wouldn't recommend that she mov home, that is running away from problems. Help her turn it around. Your social life is. It a success or a failure, that is an odd way of thinking.

[Anonymous]

I meant: your social life is not a success or a failure.

[Anonymous]

This is Northern Virginia, right? When DD came home for summer after freshmen year at a out of state university, she was often asked by neighbors, "are you going back?" She and I thought this was so weird. Of course she was going back. What did they think, that she flunked out? We had expressed nothing but love for the university and yet they didn't want to assume that she would go back.

We had a very similar experience in Northern VA. Our son is OOS and I got lots of questions asking if he was going to transfer back to a state school here in VA. Weird questions for us. It has almost been as if people wanted to believe that other schools could not possibly be places where he would be happy. Maybe they were validating their own decisions???

BTW, he was accepted to JMU, the school of this discussion. He just wanted to get away and see something different for a while. I think it was a good decision.

[Anonymous]

I have a good friend who always tried to hard. She wanted to be a part of the "In Crowd" and was never accepted. She had incredibly low self esteem and it got worse before she was able to just have the confidence to be herself and do things she wanted to do.

Ask your daughter - what brings her joy? What are her talents? Who does she get energy from? Is she doing the things at school that align with these items? Could she do things at JMU that align with these items? Is there a place that might be a better fit?

Is she an introvert or socially awkward? If she is an introvert, I would recommend the book "Quite Power" (I think it is only available in a kindle addition right now)

[Anonymous]

OP -- I'm a mom of two teenagers, one heading to college next year (though I recommend he take a gap). I was your daughter in 1980. Fortunately my parents didn't force me to return after spring semester, I got a FT job and eventually my own apartment. I also was not ready for college, I didn't expect the reality of the social life and self-organization necessary. To the posters who say make her return and grow up, that's wrong. 18 to 25 is a very vulnerable age, and she may need to grow up a little more. In the end I never did return to college but am a successful self-employed person. Working 9 to 5 was the key to my success in the early years, and interacting with adults day to day. My kids are dynamic and motivated but I know the conventional college path is not for everyone. Good luck to her! And be proud of how brave she is to call it as she sees it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have her stay home for a semester. It's really okay.

I think this is terrible advice and bad life lesson.

Unless there is something serious going on we don't know about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have her stay home for a semester. It's really okay.

I think this is terrible advice and bad life lesson.

Unless there is something serious going on we don't know about it.

+1

[Anonymous]

In the end I never did return to college ...

[Anonymous]

In the end I never did return to college but am a successful self-employed person.

[Anonymous]

Hi everyone, this is the OP. Thank you all for the helpful advice!

I wanted to clarify a few things. First is that we are actually from Maryland, and she chose JMU for the change of scenery and fewer kids from her high school went there (I think there was only one or two from her graduating class) as opposed to her second choice UMDCP. So, I don't think the "13th grade" thing is really an issue, although it's a good thought.

Second, she and I both agreed the community college is not a great option for her. She is very much the type who will isolate herself and (for lack of a better word) be a hermit if given the choice. Like someone else said, there is not much "community" in community college and I do not want her going to classes and simply coming home/going to a job.

She was also in a major/taking classes that weren't really a good fit, but plans to transfer into a different college within JMU that is much more in line with her interests and strengths. I do think it will make a difference when she's in classes she actually enjoys and finds interesting.

We both agreed that finals week, the lack of sleep, and a few other different things that were going on contributed to the emotional vulnerability and although she did have moments of uncomfort over the semester, she came back to me after reprogramming with a few nights of really good sleep, home cooked meals, and sweaty workouts and agreed that she's not quite ready to pull the plug yet and will return for the second semester. Game plan is to gather a list of schools to apply to transfer to after second semester grades come out (it's unlikely she'd be accepted anywhere with her first semester grades) and make a decision after second semester is done with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have her stay home for a semester. It's really okay.

I think this is terrible advice and bad life lesson.

Unless there is something serious going on we don't know about it.

It is great advice. She has announced that the experience isn't working for her and wants to regroup before any real damage happens or her college funds are spent. A surprising number of kids leave before sophomore year.