My kid doesn't want to return to college

[Anonymous]

I switched to a smaller college and found it to be much better. I wouldn't say I made a huge lot of friends, but I felt comfortable enough that I could do well. For a kid like that, it's better to be the best of a poor group than in the middle of a big group. I think the idea of a few courses at a community college and/or switching to a smaller school is really good.

I don't think having some social issues (but getting by) at school and early college is a big deal (or that unusual). She will grow more confident as she has experiences that make her feel more comfortable. Socially, I am just fine now, by the way! I just had a tough adolescence, I think.

Anyway, I vote for taking some time out and switching to a smaller environment (close to you).

[Anonymous]

The concern I'd have about community college for a kid like this is social isolation. It's hard enough to make friends in a residential college community. In a school full of commuters in can be even more challenging. I'd worry that OP's daughter would live at home and retreat further rather than developing her social self-confidence. I'd be more inclined to either support her at JMU through finding her a therapist there to work with, having her join activities, etc., or moving her to a smaller residential college, perhaps a bit closer to home, where she can continue to experience independence but maybe be more successful.

[Anonymous]

JMU is a great school for lots of kids but my DCs did not consider going there. The kids call it 13th grade. And 13th grade is great for the confident kids who have lots of friends and had a 3.7ish GPA in high school (but didn't get in or didn't want to go to another VA college). Both of my kids wanted and needed a fresh start in college. One went to a far away medium-sized private and the next one went to a big non-flagship OOS college. So they both felt like they started college with a clean slate. There were certainly periods of adjustment but they both felt like they were where they needed to be and both had overall better experiences in college than they did in high school (where everything was "fine"). This doesn't help OP tons but it's just one perspective.

[Anonymous]

I think she might need a therapist to help her, since she perceives this as "no success" round 2. And, what about a smaller college? There are smaller, quieter public (and private) colleges in Virginia. A semester at Community College and therapy might help...

The worst thing you can do is "make" her stay at a large college for more than a year; when I worked in academe, those students who flunked out or fled colleges which were perceived to be either academic or social powerhouses carried a lot of stigma with them. They typically had more problems graduating from the smaller school than their more poorly prepared fellow students who decided to go to a smaller school in the first place.

[Anonymous]

PP here--also I decided not to go to JMU years ago. At that time it was know as a huge party school and I knew I would not fit in--and wanted a fresh start (like the other PP mentioned) away from anyone and everyone I went to high school with. Went to a smaller private college in VA and it did wonders for my self esteem--and I became involved and made a whole new group of friends.

[Anonymous]

I'd have her go back and finish the year. I always wanted to come home in the middle of the year (January - February). It was like clock-work. I never wanted to come home in April or October. It takes two semesters for a freshman to get settled. You can talk about it over the summer if she still hates it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The concern I'd have about community college for a kid like this is social isolation. It's hard enough to make friends in a residential college community. In a school full of commuters in can be even more challenging. I'd worry that OP's daughter would live at home and retreat further rather than developing her social self-confidence. I'd be more inclined to either support her at JMU through finding her a therapist there to work with, having her join activities, etc., or moving her to a smaller residential college, perhaps a bit closer to home, where she can continue to experience independence but maybe be more successful.

+1

There isn't a lot of community at community colleges.

[Anonymous]

Most schools have online courses. Don't let her drop out. She may not go back. Took my dd 20 years to go back and finish her last semester.

[Anonymous]

I'd absolutely allow her to stay home, but mandate that she somehow get the same amount of expected Spring semester credits during the Spring and Summer at home, via community college (shouldn't be too hard if she splits it up). In that time, she can also look for another option for school.

Sometimes a fit is bad, and she is lucky she has options.

I am not sure if at that age I'd have shared a lot social details with my parents but I'd have also been open about not wanting to return, so you'll have to trust her if she insists it's a bad situation or not for her in a way that's making her really unhappy.

[Anonymous]

George Mason is a great place to take classes if she stays at home to decide what she wants to do.

[Anonymous]

Op ~ she didn't get into JMU with a 2.4. She had to have had a much higher high school GPA, so my guess is she's scared about the academics and feels in over her head. Not to say she is over her head. I wouldn't suggest a student transfer because of a 2.4. Especially regarding social - - I'd wait and see how she feels closer to the date when she would return. She may get tired of "home". Is she seeing anyone while she's home - anyone from JMU socially? Anyone from HS socially? She may feel like she doesn't belong anywhere - doesn't belong there, doesn't belong at home. That's pretty typical for a big adjustment like college. I actually would encourage her to go back. Maybe get a job on campus. Her social needs could be met through predictable daily interactions.

[Anonymous]

Talk to her about what her fears are and why she doesn't want to go back. Don't allow her to be coddled and stay home a semester as some have suggested. As a child psychologist, this is the first step effect of the consequences and result of helicopter parenting.

[Anonymous]

I am a super introvert who went to JMU. The first semester was very overwhelming for me-it is just people people people and you are "on" with roommates (I had a triple!) all the time.

[Anonymous]

^^^Hit return to fast. For me, I found a club full of nice people that really helped with the loneliness/social anxiety (a service fraternity-coed). Does she have any interests or hobbies that would have clubs or groups at school where she might meet some people?

[Anonymous]

OP, I could have written this post. Same thing with my DD - she is at an out of state private though.. She already requested a leave of absence from the school. Also telling us maybe she doesn't want to go to college. I'm freaking out as well- you are not alone.