My kid doesn't want to return to college

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. I wanted to expand on my first post because I left out some information.

This is my child with little self-confidence and some anxiety issues. In high school, she had a history of under-performance in the social department. She was often lonely BUT both she and I know she is not socially incompetent so however nervous, she went to college really wanting to succeed - she did all the right things...joined clubs, leaves her door open, DOES get along with the roommate, volunteers, etc. just like she did in high school without success, so the fact that this is round 2 of no success is devastating to her.

I was your DD long ago. Looking back, here is what I wish i did:

- went back and at least finished the year at my out of area college (instead I transferred and did what others suggested -went to NOVA for a couple semesters. I did worse academically and socially it sucked because it was so incredibly difficult to meet people at such a commuter school)

- went to the counseling center at my out of area college and a doctor and got medication for social anxiety and depression

- focused on getting better grades and made myself realize that since I wasn't having the social life I wanted at that exact moment at least I could have the academic life I needed to succeed long term ( bad grades in my earlier semesters hurt my average long term and my chances getting into a grad program later on)

- had a more supportive mom - mine spent too much time give advice and not enough just listening and sympathizing

[Anonymous]

Let her come home and perhaps transfer to a local school.

JMU is known for its social scene and not its academics. It's surprising that she's struggling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The concern I'd have about community college for a kid like this is social isolation. It's hard enough to make friends in a residential college community. In a school full of commuters in can be even more challenging. I'd worry that OP's daughter would live at home and retreat further rather than developing her social self-confidence. I'd be more inclined to either support her at JMU through finding her a therapist there to work with, having her join activities, etc., or moving her to a smaller residential college, perhaps a bit closer to home, where she can continue to experience independence but maybe be more successful.

+1

There isn't a lot of community at community colleges.

Colleges are for learning. There are other outlets for "community."

[Anonymous]

Make her stay. Support her and be her friend. This is but a moment in her life. She will thank you later. It's out
Jobs as parents to make these decisions for our kids as they don't have the perspective. Give her a lot of your time. Send her care packages. Make sure sheknows how much she's loved. If she transfers that's fine, just not nova.

[Anonymous]

I would try to make sure I had full information before having her return. This can be very difficult as while she may have been able to tell you she doesn't want to go back, she may not feel able to tell the whole story.

My DS did not want to return to his college, but my DH forced him back. As it turned out he'd had a nightmare experience with an abusive roommate. My DS eventually ended up fighting back and the two of them were put in different rooms with a mutual restraining order imposed by the campus police.

It has been very difficult for him to get over this experience because DH made him go back. He feels that DH gave no credence to his strong feelings about not wanting to return. But he didn't tell us this at the time, perhaps because of the shame of having been subject to emotional and physical abuse, and we had no idea what had happened.

[Anonymous]

Good luck to her, OP! I wanted to add that I think it's very common for kids to reevaluate their college choices once they're home for winter break freshman year. I know that my DH was wondering whether he wanted to transfer at that point. (He didn't and was happy he stayed.) And I was feeling pretty happy but realized that I needed to make more of an effort socially. I went back to second semester motivated to meet more people with similar interests, and it worked well.

[Anonymous]

This was me, too, OP. I was at Va Tech and knew right away it wasn't a good match.
But, it took me two years to get up the nerve to say I didn't want to go back. It was the summer between my soph and jr year.
My parents were pretty upset, but I had known all along.
I moved back to hometown - enrolled full time at local private college and worked about 20 hours per week.
It saved my college career.
Graduated with honors, took CPA exam and off to the races.
As many others have said, there are lots of paths to a happy, successful life for all of us.
Best wishes,

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, make her go back. She needs to grow up at some point, and you don't just quit right away when things get tough. Make her finish the year (I assume freshman year?). If it's not better by May, then I would consider another plan.

but I also wouldn't just dump her in the deep end. Some more convos about what exactly is wrong, what could be changed. Maybe she needs to get involved with an activity (or different activity) on campus. Maybe learn roommate skills, study skills, who knows. It could be anything. I'd do a little more intervention - but don't let her quit just yet!

Very bad advice. Might work for a very few, but most 18 year olds I know (and I was one) would respond very badly to this. I took two years off after highschool because I knew I wasn't ready. When I finally went, it was because I really wanted to and did extremely well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let her come home and perhaps transfer to a local school.

JMU is known for its social scene and not its academics. It's surprising that she's struggling.

You really ought to be ashamed. It's perpetuating an inaccurate stereotype like this that can make a student who's experiencing some academic challenges feel particularly despondent.

[Anonymous]

My 1st year, I had a 3.8.
In August, just before sophomore year, I told my parents I wasn't going back. They offered to buy me a wrangler, give me an allowance, anything. They wanted me back at college. I refused. My mom told me I would ruin their marriage. My dad took me to do a psychologist. I took 5 classes at the community college. I really didn't want college.
After Christmas, my parents told me I was going to a SLAC that they chose. I went, reluctantly. I hated them.
I graduated with a high C/low B gpa.
I worked, decided I wanted a masters, and became a professor.
If your child wants a break, please listen to her.
Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The concern I'd have about community college for a kid like this is social isolation. It's hard enough to make friends in a residential college community. In a school full of commuters in can be even more challenging. I'd worry that OP's daughter would live at home and retreat further rather than developing her social self-confidence. I'd be more inclined to either support her at JMU through finding her a therapist there to work with, having her join activities, etc., or moving her to a smaller residential college, perhaps a bit closer to home, where she can continue to experience independence but maybe be more successful.

+1

There isn't a lot of community at community colleges. [/quote

Not true! I attended one and taught at one. I can speak from experience that you are incorrect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. I wanted to expand on my first post because I left out some information.

This is my child with little self-confidence and some anxiety issues. In high school, she had a history of under-performance in the social department. She was often lonely BUT both she and I know she is not socially incompetent so however nervous, she went to college really wanting to succeed - she did all the right things...joined clubs, leaves her door open, DOES get along with the roommate, volunteers, etc. just like she did in high school without success, so the fact that this is round 2 of no success is devastating to her.

Maybe a local school would be better. My best friend from college lived at home. We were at her house all the time. Her mom always made us yummy food!!

[Anonymous]

OP - So, what happened? Did she do back?

[Anonymous]

Why would you force a kid who has the courage and self-awareness to broach the difficult topic of not wanting to go back to college to do exactly what she told you isn't right for her?

I told my parents I needed a semester off. They made me go back. The result was a disastrous semester that derailed my graduation and cost my parents many thousands of wasted dollars. Didn't do it on purpose - I just wasn't prepared to be back at school, and failed when I went back, even though I tried not to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The concern I'd have about community college for a kid like this is social isolation. It's hard enough to make friends in a residential college community. In a school full of commuters in can be even more challenging. I'd worry that OP's daughter would live at home and retreat further rather than developing her social self-confidence. I'd be more inclined to either support her at JMU through finding her a therapist there to work with, having her join activities, etc., or moving her to a smaller residential college, perhaps a bit closer to home, where she can continue to experience independence but maybe be more successful.

+1

There isn't a lot of community at community colleges. [/quote

Not true! I attended one and taught at one. I can speak from experience that you are incorrect.

I am currently attending one. I don't agree. Compared to my residential college experience, community college is pretty lonely.