We're worried about our son and our grandchildren

[Anonymous]

Get rid of the Colorado ski place and have no condo in SF.
Your children are useless for providing the lifestyle to the GC. Rental property is a hassle. It's not like you own a few buildings with 20 plus units.

Get a geographically accessible place at a DE beach. Not New England. Once the GC are older they might have summer stuff here that would preclude use.

Put yourself in a nice DC area condo and the ingrates in a small house with a good public school district for at least k-8. The reality is only you will be able to give the grandchildren the life you want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Bailing them out is not helping. You've created this monster, and you seem determined to visit it on their children as well. Stop!!!!

This poster didn't put it nicely but it's true. I just told my 18 yo I wouldn't give her gas money for a road trip 70 miles away. I wouldn't give her $20 for a Halloween costume. You know what she finally did? Got a job. Took her months of dragging her feet but she Had to be sufficiently motivated to make it happen. We pay for college and dining hall but NO extras. That's more than many 18 yos get. Ask yourself why you are doing so much more for someone so much older.

[Anonymous]

I know mental disorders were pretty much taboo at the time you were raising your children, but have you considered what may be affecting your second son's achievements? Clearly, he is not unintelligent, since he did well on the LSAT. For example, does he have ADHD, which is difficulty organizing his thoughts and actions and can also affect speed and memory? I mention this because it's never too late to start an evaluation and a diagnosis. ADHD can be treated very successfully with medication. People with undiagnosed ADHD are sometimes described as lazy, unmotivated, not-getting-it-together types.

I'm not putting all of this mess on such a disorder. There are obviously expectations on their part regarding your money, which isn't pleasant.

What does the first son think? It's often hard for a successful sibling to watch the "failure" eating up all of his parent's money.

Anyway, I would first look to your own comfort. Are you sure of finding jobs here in the DC area? You mentioned you wanted to keep working. Are you sure you're going to find friends? You can't rely on your busy children for all of your social needs. I would think twice about selling and moving. Take your time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you should acknowledge that they're not the only ones who have f*cked up. They don't have jobs because they've never had to get jobs and that's on you.

I have to say that this is what I took from your post too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get rid of the Colorado ski place and have no condo in SF.
Your children are useless for providing the lifestyle to the GC. Rental property is a hassle. It's not like you own a few buildings with 20 plus units.

Get a geographically accessible place at a DE beach. Not New England. Once the GC are older they might have summer stuff here that would preclude use.

Put yourself in a nice DC area condo and the ingrates in a small house with a good public school district for at least k-8. The reality is only you will be able to give the grandchildren the life you want.

+1 I think that is good advice. It would allow the son to have some pride of his own as he could handle visiting the beach house without extra gas money.

[Anonymous]

Lady, you have completely fucked up your 2nd son and you are continuing to ruin the next generation. I know I am being blunt but I really, really get Infuriated by entitlement and total lack of work ethic. You have created a lazy, entitled adult.

So stop it. Stop teaching your grandchildren they are entitled to riches they didn't earn. Stop giving your son money he didn't earn. Just stop it. Just STOP.

There is NO excuse. Just stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get rid of the Colorado ski place and have no condo in SF.
Your children are useless for providing the lifestyle to the GC. Rental property is a hassle. It's not like you own a few buildings with 20 plus units.

Get a geographically accessible place at a DE beach. Not New England. Once the GC are older they might have summer stuff here that would preclude use.

Put yourself in a nice DC area condo and the ingrates in a small house with a good public school district for at least k-8. The reality is only you will be able to give the grandchildren the life you want.

+1 I think that is good advice. It would allow the son to have some pride of his own as he could handle visiting the beach house without extra gas money.

I posted the plan. We worked hard and came from nothing. None of our children have the same drive. Note the small house advice. Gas to DE is far better than a plane to Nantucket.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do not EVER give them money "for the grandchildren." If you want the grandkids to take ice skating lessons, pay the ice skating place DIRECTLY. They sound capable, but just lazy and like they're counting on you to support them.

Stop buying condos for your son.

+1. However, if you take this path it could get very ugly.

[Anonymous]

Fortunately, our older son is not much of a "burden." We paid for all of his college (a LAC) and grad school and helped him buy a place in DC (bought in a very "up and coming" area when it wasn't very expensive and did well). He's a teacher, very socially conscientious and an all-round good person with good values. Do they live in a place that's beyond what most at their income would make? Yes - but that's not a problem. At least they're generally appreciative and don't expect to always piggyback off us!

#1's wife (DIL 1) would make an excellent mother but can't conceive. So they've been trying adoption or surrogacy - both fraught with difficulties!

But #1 seems to have a lot of resentment towards #2 - I think he feels less loved especially since the grandchildren were born. I think they feel it's unfair they can't have children like they've long wanted and that the "#2s" can "just pop out children" (to put it crudely). He also thinks they are spoiled and entitled!

#1 has even insisted: I've benefited immensely enough, and you don't need to leave me money. Leave it to grandchildren, for college, to a good cause, to hardworking cousins who are struggling etc. I appreciate the noble sentiment but let's see where things are at in the future.

I remind though that he doesn't want to trade places with #2 (and he certainly agrees). #2 is unhappy and feels greatly ashamed.

It's kind of unfair to leave both sons different amounts though because we don't want to "play favorites".

[Anonymous]

Haha! Do what my DHS grandmother did. She left everything to her grandkid's and skipped her children. Holy shit they were oissed. She said they had been given enough over the years.

[Anonymous]

OP - despite your ds's outlook/attitude, you sound like wonderful parents. We are 20 years away from retirement, but I wanted to say that my DH's family dynamic is similar to what you describe - a sibling with little drive or ability, married, two kids, divorced, and subsidized her entire life with entitlement and expectations. DH is self-made but I see the inequitable treatment by my in-laws and it's hurtful to DH. I don't have any answers but to mention that disparate treatment can cause problems. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Fortunately, our older son is not much of a "burden." We paid for all of his college (a LAC) and grad school and helped him buy a place in DC (bought in a very "up and coming" area when it wasn't very expensive and did well). He's a teacher, very socially conscientious and an all-round good person with good values. Do they live in a place that's beyond what most at their income would make? Yes - but that's not a problem. At least they're generally appreciative and don't expect to always piggyback off us!

#1's wife (DIL 1) would make an excellent mother but can't conceive. So they've been trying adoption or surrogacy - both fraught with difficulties!

But #1 seems to have a lot of resentment towards #2 - I think he feels less loved especially since the grandchildren were born. I think they feel it's unfair they can't have children like they've long wanted and that the "#2s" can "just pop out children" (to put it crudely). He also thinks they are spoiled and entitled!

#1 has even insisted: I've benefited immensely enough, and you don't need to leave me money. Leave it to grandchildren, for college, to a good cause, to hardworking cousins who are struggling etc. I appreciate the noble sentiment but let's see where things are at in the future.

I remind though that he doesn't want to trade places with #2 (and he certainly agrees). #2 is unhappy and feels greatly ashamed.

It's kind of unfair to leave both sons different amounts though because we don't want to "play favorites".

They ARE spoiled and entitled, and YOU made them that way!

[Anonymous]

Oh brother. You are responsible for your son's laziness. Pay/buy things directly for the grandkids but stop buying your son condos and bailing him out! He is mooching off you! Take some responsibility here.

[Anonymous]

The others are correct. Yes, it's harder for 30-somethings than it was for your generation, but we also aren't being sent off to die in Vietnam, so.....perspective.

I finished law school in 2009, basically at the absolute trough of the job market, when law firms were deferring or withdrawing offers left and right. It was hard, we had a new baby, and I had to take a job that was a step down from what expected to be doing as a T1 law school grad with great grades and journal experience.

But I did it because I didn't have a safety net. It was either step up or watch my family struggle. So I stepped up.

I'm not some amazing bootstraps story - just a regular guy who found something worth working for. Let's hope your son can do the same, but first you need to give him some incentive.

[Anonymous]

To clarify, the time share in Colorado is ours (we want it - though of course sometimes our children and extended family are sometimes invited) and we're "reclaiming" #2's condo in SF for us.

We're proud of #1 for pursuing a "noble" independent path, and of course we're happy to help him out when he needs it since he doesn't make that much money. But the paradox is he resents us for "favoring" #2 but says he doesn't actually want that same treatment for himself. Isn't that trying to have it both ways?

How can we "cut off" #2 without cutting off #1 though?