We're worried about our son and our grandchildren

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, #1 hates #2 and his wife and resents you for enabling #2 and his wife. And if #1 has kids, at some point #1s kids will find out #2s kids are getting everything paid for by you and the kids will hate their cousins, or at the very least look down on them.

This.

My XH has created a lot of resentment between himself and his sibs. Now the adolescent cousins are beginning to show it toward our innocent DC. Ironically, unless I have missed something since the divorce, XILs have done nothing more for my DC than the other grandkids. The problems is that they keep financing my XH's lifestyle so his household is getting a bigger slice of the pie.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to take the advice of an impartial party, a financial planner. They will all say, barring special needs, all children ( or grandchildren) should be given the same inheritance. Do not count #1's college against him. You paid for both kids' college. Done. Now that they are on their own, they get the same amount. Otherwise, the good kid feels punished for being responsible, and the negligent one gets financially rewarded for irresponsible choices.

This. I guarantee you that #1 TOTALLY RESENTS both YOU and #2 for the handouts. I know I do.

+1

+ another. I'm a kid who has always done the right thing, and never needed handouts. Older sib is a loser, and was always supported by parent. In the past year I asked for some help to pay tuition - and was told the money isn't there. Older sib continues to be supported. Obviously, the relationships have been going downhill for a long long time, and now I have gotten to the point where I HATE BOTH OF THEM and have cut them out of my life. I still let grandparents see their grandkids, but I'm not part of it.

[Anonymous]

I have a similar situation where I moved our at 22 and paI'd my own way for evert hung and my sister is almost 29 and lives at home, even though she has a great job ( seconding whoever said that son number two get a job as a medical technician my sister just got a sonogram her job that pays really well. Of course you need good work ethic too)


My parents have been feeling guilty lately and have been giving me generous gifts

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They are not making the effort because they know you'll bail them out. Stop it. They will not fall into poverty. They will get it together. If you want to support your grandchildren you can provide enrichment activities that benefit them. Travel with them, pay for their education, etc. But stop enabling the adults. You won't help your situation if you buy them a condo in DC. They can live on their 40k in Stafford or Culpeper. Your son can work at Home Depot and your DIL can work at a grocery store. They'll be fine.

THIS THIS THIS!

I've worked since the age of 15 and have never accepted a dime from my father since the month I turned 18. My brother is in his 30's and has been arrested FOUR TIMES. He has a child, a girlfriend that has never worked because she quits after a few weeks and a kid. My father bails him out of everything. In fact, I got so sick of his enabling that I stopped speaking to my father. I work my ass off and my brother gets his mortgage paid, his kid earns him manipulation points, blah, blah.

STOP ENABLING. They'll never work because they know you'll step in.

"WHAT YOU ALLOW, IS WHAT WILL CONTINUE" --A fitting quote for you.

[Anonymous]

My thoughts are you should do something like this:

Tell DS2 you had a dream the other night DS1's wife will be pregnant soon. Therefore, you know it will happen and want to be prepared to give DS1's kids the same lifestyle as DS2s kids have had. Explain that you'll need to be focused on the grand kids from this point forward to make it fair. Other than paying for vacations, stop paying anything for DS2. No condos, no supplementing income. College funds and kids activities are all that get paid.

DS1 is trying and it could be a reality. Also, surrogates aren't cheap so you can tell DS2 you need to fund that ASAP (and offer DS1 to fund it). In the nicest way possible, let DS2 know you've gotten him this far and now DS1 needs ya.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Was this a vent, or are you asking for advice?

Both! Any advice would be helpful.

You are enabling them. The entire "whoa is me, it's too late, what can we do, we have to support them..." it is OLD. This is WHY people don't do well. Mom and dad bail them out of everything and they are never held responsible for their actions or inaction... Think of yourself as a GIANT welfare provider for these people.

You can still love your children and offer gifts/experiences to the grandchildren without straight out supporting the parents.

[Anonymous]

I wish you had been my parents! OMG! Your son and DIL will never get jobs because they don't have to work. Their job is being related to you.

[Anonymous]

OP has got to be a troll, no?