We're worried about our son and our grandchildren
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
We're pretty close to retirement (66 and 61), but will probably continue to work part-time for another 5 years. We lived in the Bay Area and sold our house for about $5 million - we did really well on it decided that it just made no sense to stay there and we could do far better elsewhere. A few business ventures we were hoping to finance retirement fell through (we did very well for about 20 years, but the last 20 have been very difficult). Plus, we're worried about our younger son (#2) and his wife and children.
We've decided to buy two condos in DC, one for us and one for our younger son and his family. We have an older son (#1) and daughter-in-law who live and work in DC. So the family will again be reunited. #2 had a condo in San Francisco that we bought for him and have decided to keep for the family, so we can at least spend some time in California. Plus it could be a revenue generator when we're not there. We really wanted #2 to make something of himself but he hasn't really worked. Didn't do very well in college. He did very well on the LSAT though, so he could get into maybe a tier 2 law school. But he didn't want to be a lawyer and never applied. We tried to employ him directly in our business but then that fell through. Before our first grandchild was born, we insisted that it was time for him to work and not being picky about it. But that never happened. Our daughter-in-law, who came from a lower middle class background, thinks we have way more money than we actually do. She generally gets a sales job every now and then to amuse herself, but then gets bored and quits in a few months. So we are afraid none of them will ever have a real job. Now they have 2 chlldren. However it is wrong to deprive our GRANDCHILDREN of a good life. They should not be held responsible for their parents', well, f*ing up. And in spite of our issues with them, nothing makes us happier than spending time with them and our grandchildren. So there's nothing we can do. Even with the trust fun set up for our children by the grandparents (about 40K a year for each child), #2 and daughter-in-law can't manage their finances. I can't count how many times we've had to bail them out over the past decade. What can we do? We have to support them. And 40K is not enough for a family with 2 children. And since they're in their 30s now, with no to minimal work experience, we don't think they can get jobs now. So we're selling our house and downsizing. The good news is we can afford some condos in DC, a vacation home somewhere for the whole extended family (maybe in New England or upstate New York) and to keep the condo in San Francisco and the time-share in Colorado (we're avid skiers), and still have $$$ left over: this is probably about $2 million in real estate (we can also get rental income). We're going to have to leave as much money aside as we can but we want to have some enjoyment in our golden years as well. |
Anonymous
|
No advice, just letting you know, you're not alone. We are dealing with similar circumstances and it's hard.
|
Anonymous
|
Was this a vent, or are you asking for advice?
I guess it's kind of late for you, but this is why we are not planning to support our adult kids in any way. Your son is obviously banking on your money when you pass away, too. Drop a hint stating that you are setting aside most of your money for long term care, and you won't have much left over in about 10 yrs. You could stop supporting your son, just bite the bullet. If they can't support themselves, I guess you could offer to take the kids only until they get back on their feet. Unfortunately, your grandkids are not your responsibility, but I understand you love them and want them taken care of. But, the way you are doing it now, your son (and DIL) are never going to be able to stand on their own two feet. They will always see you as a meal ticket. |
Anonymous
Both! Any advice would be helpful. |
Anonymous
| Don't put the property in their names, fully fund grandkids 529s, let your estate skip a generation. Pay for grandkids tutoring, specials, etc and let parents deal with poor financial decisions. They may end up using kids ssn without you bailing them out. My cousin did/does. |
Anonymous
| They are not making the effort because they know you'll bail them out. Stop it. They will not fall into poverty. They will get it together. If you want to support your grandchildren you can provide enrichment activities that benefit them. Travel with them, pay for their education, etc. But stop enabling the adults. You won't help your situation if you buy them a condo in DC. They can live on their 40k in Stafford or Culpeper. Your son can work at Home Depot and your DIL can work at a grocery store. They'll be fine. |
Anonymous
|
Op, if you want to help more, set up college accounts for the grandchildren.
Otherwise, even "F-ups" deserve to live the the life they choose. Don't choose for them. Their life may not be pretty, in your view, but it needs to be of their own making. Watch out or you may use your money to control, to control for outcomes that you wish. There will be no real respect between you and your children, only control and dependency. |
Anonymous
| Maybe you should acknowledge that they're not the only ones who have f*cked up. They don't have jobs because they've never had to get jobs and that's on you. |
Anonymous
| Parents of two daughters with unambiguous husbands. We have paid for their education, weddings and bought their first homes. Life insurance policies too. Take them clothing shopping on their bdays, treat them to family vacation as xmas gifts and generous with dinners and bday gifts for grandchildren. We would not bail them out, we've done enough and want to enjoy our retirement. |
Anonymous
|
We have set up college funds.
It isn't really fair, but it's also harder for young people today. We understand that. Husband has JD and MBA and was financially very successful for most of his career - but really we're in our 60s now and it's pretty hard to keep "renewing yourself." It's about time for the next generation to step forward! |
Anonymous
|
Do not EVER give them money "for the grandchildren." If you want the grandkids to take ice skating lessons, pay the ice skating place DIRECTLY. They sound capable, but just lazy and like they're counting on you to support them.
Stop buying condos for your son. |
Anonymous
|
At my kids private school there are some kids getting tuition paid by the grandparents. I always thought this is wonderful.
You have an elaborate life style set up. I have wealthier friends but pretty much all counted on inheriting sth. The self made people all work crazy hours. Just flying to your condo with 2 kids is an expense that my family would love to do but it is still expensive after private school tuition. Your son probably thinks there is no real difference between him pulling in 60k or 120k or 180k. It would never be enough to support him and his family. He probably thinks its a losing battle and it doesn't matter to him how much you supplement his income (50k -100k - 200k) private school alone for two runs you close to 80k. I think you raised an heir. |
Anonymous
| Bailing them out is not helping. You've created this monster, and you seem determined to visit it on their children as well. Stop!!!! |
Anonymous
Sadly, I think this is the case. You've enabled your son to never truly become an adult. That's not going to change quickly (it might never change!) but it certainly won't change if you purchase a home for him and support his children so he doesn't have to. You have to make some VERY tough choices now because you didn't make minor tough choices earlier. You either make life easy for your kids and they turn out soft, or you make your kids into the type of people who can handle anything by having high expectations and letting them fail a little early on when the stakes are low. Once they have kids of their own, it's hard to watch them fail since it impacts your grandkids. I wish I had good actionable advice for you, but ultimately I've seen this in my mom's siblings and nothing my grandmother did made any difference. Her siblings are all in debt despite having been handed everything prior to my grandparents' passing. |
Anonymous
Honey, it's IMPOSSIBLE for young people when they keep quitting jobs and are terminally lazy. You're making excuses and rationalizing. I hope you can realize that. Signed, self-made 30-something who also has multiple advanced degrees. |