SIL lost baby at 20 weeks, we were due 2 weeks apart

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this was me exactly with my SIL, only I was the one who lost my baby. It was horrific. The entire situation was exacerbated because her ongoing pregnancy/now-child served as a constant reminder of my loss. I could not bring myself to go to the christening.

In fact, I've just met her daughter at age one. I was very good and didn't cry in front of everyone, but I sobber behind closed doors.

Just be gentle with her. Know that your joy is the realization of her loss. She will likely never get over her pain.

Were you honest in explaining why you waited so long to meet the baby? I assume so. But did that add to the awkwardness?

I didn't really think I needed to explain anything . Im sure she could put 2 plus 2 together. However, there was an overall awkwardness for everyone in the family any time I was in the same room with her little one. No one said anything but the tension was palpable.

It's only been a year so maybe things will change in the future. But for me now it is still fresh pain and still very hurtful. I didn't want to hear about her delivery or anything afterward. I mean, I had my own delivery at 24 weeks but it was not a joyous event. Maybe I am being a bitch about the whole thing but I can't help the way I feel.

I went through the same thing with my SIL, we were both expecting girls, less than a month apart. I lost my pregnancy and was devastated. With the best of intentions she made it so much worse by sending an email that said every hurtful thing a well meaning person can say to someone who experience a miscarriage. (many other threads on this hot topic). It was very hard. I could not face visiting when her baby was due. She included me in a group email to the family with pictures and it just happened to come on what would have been my due date. I lost it on her. She felt terrible. 6+ years later I am very close to my niece.

Give her space and give it time. Do not feel compelled to say anything to make her feel better. Let you brother know you care and take their cues.

[Anonymous]

I think a note - - but what you say isn't important unless you say the wrong thing. So, error on the side of a generic sympathy card. Now is not the time to try to become closer. As pp said - give her space. Lots of space (since this has not been a close-close relationship. If it were a good friend I'd say something else)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this was me exactly with my SIL, only I was the one who lost my baby. It was horrific. The entire situation was exacerbated because her ongoing pregnancy/now-child served as a constant reminder of my loss. I could not bring myself to go to the christening.

In fact, I've just met her daughter at age one. I was very good and didn't cry in front of everyone, but I sobber behind closed doors.

Just be gentle with her. Know that your joy is the realization of her loss. She will likely never get over her pain.

Were you honest in explaining why you waited so long to meet the baby? I assume so. But did that add to the awkwardness?

I didn't really think I needed to explain anything . Im sure she could put 2 plus 2 together. However, there was an overall awkwardness for everyone in the family any time I was in the same room with her little one. No one said anything but the tension was palpable.

It's only been a year so maybe things will change in the future. But for me now it is still fresh pain and still very hurtful. I didn't want to hear about her delivery or anything afterward. I mean, I had my own delivery at 24 weeks but it was not a joyous event. Maybe I am being a bitch about the whole thing but I can't help the way I feel.

No I don't think you are being a bitch at all. I am sorry for what happened.
Thanks for answering.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this was me exactly with my SIL, only I was the one who lost my baby. It was horrific. The entire situation was exacerbated because her ongoing pregnancy/now-child served as a constant reminder of my loss. I could not bring myself to go to the christening.

In fact, I've just met her daughter at age one. I was very good and didn't cry in front of everyone, but I sobber behind closed doors.

Just be gentle with her. Know that your joy is the realization of her loss. She will likely never get over her pain.

Were you honest in explaining why you waited so long to meet the baby? I assume so. But did that add to the awkwardness?

I didn't really think I needed to explain anything . Im sure she could put 2 plus 2 together. However, there was an overall awkwardness for everyone in the family any time I was in the same room with her little one. No one said anything but the tension was palpable.

It's only been a year so maybe things will change in the future. But for me now it is still fresh pain and still very hurtful. I didn't want to hear about her delivery or anything afterward. I mean, I had my own delivery at 24 weeks but it was not a joyous event. Maybe I am being a bitch about the whole thing but I can't help the way I feel.

No I don't think you are being a bitch at all. I am sorry for what happened.
Thanks for answering.

You aren't being a bitch at all. Loss is painful. But I will say that if every family event has palpable tension or is awkward if you are in the room with this child (or possibly any child)? Then that might be something you want to try to work through with the help of a pro, not "for" your family as much as for yourself because that dynamic sets you up to never be able to really heal.

[Anonymous]

OP--this happened to me, I suffered a stillbirth at 28 weeks and a close friend, who was due on the same day as me, had a healthy baby. We haven't seen each other since we lost our daughter. I haven't met her son either. It's been almost a year. I agree with the PPs who say give her space. I think sending a nice card would be nice. It should ONLY say I'm so sorry for your loss. Avoid anything religious, anything like "everything happens for a reason," or anything else. Stick with I'm sorry and I'm thinking of you. Be patient, gentle and kind to her and her family. Also, if you do this, maybe skip sending them your usual holiday card or anything that might inadvertently say "look at our perfect family, don't you wish you were us." Said friend did that and it was like a knife in the heart. On or around the due date, send another note with "I'm thinking of you, I know this must be hard time for you."

Finally, to the PP who suffered a loss at 24 weeks--I'm with you. I don't want to hear about other people's healthy deliveries. I also have a hard time being around children who are the same age as my daughter would be if she had lived. I think that's normal and it's going to be that way forever. To 9:51 who suggested therapy, I agree with that too. I've been seeing someone and going to a perinatal loss support group. They're both great and helpful. But, from meeting other people at this group, this isn't something that ever completely heals. It's always going to be there, be a part of you. Just like losing a spouse or a sibling or someone you really loved would be. A relative suffered this kind of loss 25 years ago, she still gets teary when she talks about the baby she lost. It's always going to be sad and that's ok.

[Anonymous]

Treat it the same way you would treat it if he child died after birth. It's a death of a child. It should be treated with the same gravity.

I think sending condolences now is a must. In the future, you could send her a longer note about how sorry you are she's had such a wretched thing happen. Acknowledge that you realize your own pregnancy might make things awkward and that that's ok. You will follow her lead moving forward. Tell her you love her, you are thinking of her, and that you loved her baby.

And then stop being a brat and take whatever she dishes. She's been through hell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP--this happened to me, I suffered a stillbirth at 28 weeks and a close friend, who was due on the same day as me, had a healthy baby. We haven't seen each other since we lost our daughter. I haven't met her son either. It's been almost a year. I agree with the PPs who say give her space. I think sending a nice card would be nice. It should ONLY say I'm so sorry for your loss. Avoid anything religious, anything like "everything happens for a reason," or anything else. Stick with I'm sorry and I'm thinking of you. Be patient, gentle and kind to her and her family. Also, if you do this, maybe skip sending them your usual holiday card or anything that might inadvertently say "look at our perfect family, don't you wish you were us." Said friend did that and it was like a knife in the heart. On or around the due date, send another note with "I'm thinking of you, I know this must be hard time for you."

Finally, to the PP who suffered a loss at 24 weeks--I'm with you. I don't want to hear about other people's healthy deliveries. I also have a hard time being around children who are the same age as my daughter would be if she had lived. I think that's normal and it's going to be that way forever. To 9:51 who suggested therapy, I agree with that too. I've been seeing someone and going to a perinatal loss support group. They're both great and helpful. But, from meeting other people at this group, this isn't something that ever completely heals. It's always going to be there, be a part of you. Just like losing a spouse or a sibling or someone you really loved would be. A relative suffered this kind of loss 25 years ago, she still gets teary when she talks about the baby she lost. It's always going to be sad and that's ok.

I'm the PP with the therapy suggestion and I just wanted to note that I think most people 100% realize that these two things are not mutually exclusive. Healing and sadness can live in the same place, and they usually do. I think most people recognize that "healed" doesn't mean not sad. I do hope that you and PP can get to a place where you can be around multiple ages of people and generations, not without recognition of the sadness but without the debilitation of sadness, especially in family, because those are the ones that love you the most (ideally!).

I'm so sorry for your loss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Treat it the same way you would treat it if he child died after birth. It's a death of a child. It should be treated with the same gravity.

I think sending condolences now is a must. In the future, you could send her a longer note about how sorry you are she's had such a wretched thing happen. Acknowledge that you realize your own pregnancy might make things awkward and that that's ok. You will follow her lead moving forward. Tell her you love her,[b] you are thinking of her, and that [b]you loved her baby.

And then stop being a brat and take whatever she dishes. She's been through hell.

But SIL is neither OP's sister or a friend. It's pretty clear from OP's post that the women aren't close and both are aware of that lack of closeness. Under the circumstances, to tell the woman she loves her and her baby would appear to SIL that OP is acting disingenuously, at the very least.

Also, I don't believe taking what people dish at you, unless you deserve the mistreatment through some action of your own. OP did not cause SIL's loss so I don't think she should put up with SIL acting out (if she, in fact, does). People aren't punching bags.

[Anonymous]

OP here, thanks to all the PPs, particularly those who have suffered losses - I am so sorry to hear, and thanks for sharing. If our positions were reversed, I think that I would share many of your feelings - seeing the healthy baby as a reminder of loss and so on. At this point I know things will be tough and am trying to figure out what I can do to at least not make it worse (I don't think that's being a brat). I will certainly send a simple card and reach out through my DH but otherwise give space and be prepared for lots of space when our baby comes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Treat it the same way you would treat it if he child died after birth. It's a death of a child. It should be treated with the same gravity.

I think sending condolences now is a must. In the future, you could send her a longer note about how sorry you are she's had such a wretched thing happen. Acknowledge that you realize your own pregnancy might make things awkward and that that's ok. You will follow her lead moving forward. Tell her you love her, you are thinking of her, and that you loved her baby.

[b]And then stop being a brat and take whatever she dishes. She's been through hell.

This is a very difficult situation but I have to say I strongly disagree. I have lost a baby due to late miscarriage and yes, it was very painful. But I never felt the right to dish out anything. My sister had a baby 2 months after I lost mine and I never felt there was a connection. I have felt the pain but really do not understand this license to behave badly. People were kind to me. Some said shitty things. They did not mean it. I think it helped that I did not get pregnant again right away. It was my first and I waited 18 months before I got pregnant again. It was a complicated pregnancy but everyone was fine and did not walk on eggshells, which is what I wanted.

I am very sorry for your sister in laws loss. Yes, you need to give her space but you are also entitled to your joy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Treat it the same way you would treat it if he child died after birth. It's a death of a child. It should be treated with the same gravity.

I think sending condolences now is a must. In the future, you could send her a longer note about how sorry you are she's had such a wretched thing happen. Acknowledge that you realize your own pregnancy might make things awkward and that that's ok. You will follow her lead moving forward. Tell her you love her, you are thinking of her, and that you loved her baby.

[b]And then stop being a brat and take whatever she dishes. She's been through hell.

This is a very difficult situation but I have to say I strongly disagree. I have lost a baby due to late miscarriage and yes, it was very painful. But I never felt the right to dish out anything. My sister had a baby 2 months after I lost mine and I never felt there was a connection. I have felt the pain but really do not understand this license to behave badly. People were kind to me. Some said shitty things. They did not mean it. I think it helped that I did not get pregnant again right away. It was my first and I waited 18 months before I got pregnant again. It was a complicated pregnancy but everyone was fine and did not walk on eggshells, which is what I wanted.

I am very sorry for your sister in laws loss. Yes, you need to give her space but you are also entitled to your joy.

The difference here is that you're not suffering from infertility. You had the privilege to WAIT 18 months to get pregnant again. They go through stressful and costly fertility treatments and it can take YEARS for them to finally get pregnant, when they go through miscarriage after feeling like they achieved a miracle. The heart break is on a different level.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's between the brothers. Let your dh reach out to his brother.

Terrible advice. She is family. If my SIL had ignored my baby's loss, I would have lost it on her.
For goodness' sake, send her a sympathy card with flowers or a donation in the baby's memory. There are plenty of resources on the internet to find out things that you should and shouldn't say.

[Anonymous]

I think it's absolutely important that you acknowledge what happened and let her know you are there to support her if she needs it. Keep words simple & short but don't let it all go through your husband & bil. There is nothing worse in times of a personal tragedy to feel like people are ignoring/avoiding you because they are uncomfortable. I didn't lose my baby but she was born 16 weeks early, and had (still has) an incredibly difficult journey. The friends/family that sort of just ignored us or avoided ever mentioning what happened, made me feel much worse. I was far more appreciative of the friends who just listened to me, agreed that sometimes life unfairly sucks, and helped in small ways--even the ones who were due before me & STILL pregnant/delivered full term babies which mine struggled to survive.

[Anonymous]

You have to acknowledge it. Send a card and maybe flowers too. It's a horribly painful loss. It's not your fault, but you can understand why she would have a hard time seeing you have what she lost. Totally agree with the PPs that people not talking about it makes it feel like they don't care or that you should be over it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Treat it the same way you would treat it if he child died after birth. It's a death of a child. It should be treated with the same gravity.

I think sending condolences now is a must. In the future, you could send her a longer note about how sorry you are she's had such a wretched thing happen. Acknowledge that you realize your own pregnancy might make things awkward and that that's ok. You will follow her lead moving forward. Tell her you love her, you are thinking of her, and that you loved her baby.

[b]And then stop being a brat and take whatever she dishes. She's been through hell.

This is a very difficult situation but I have to say I strongly disagree. I have lost a baby due to late miscarriage and yes, it was very painful. But I never felt the right to dish out anything. My sister had a baby 2 months after I lost mine and I never felt there was a connection. I have felt the pain but really do not understand this license to behave badly. People were kind to me. Some said shitty things. They did not mean it. I think it helped that I did not get pregnant again right away. It was my first and I waited 18 months before I got pregnant again. It was a complicated pregnancy but everyone was fine and did not walk on eggshells, which is what I wanted.


I am very sorry for your sister in laws loss. Yes, you need to give her space but you are also entitled to your joy.

The difference here is that you're not suffering from infertility. You had the privilege to WAIT 18 months to get pregnant again. They go through stressful and costly fertility treatments and it can take YEARS for them to finally get pregnant, when they go through miscarriage after feeling like they achieved a miracle. The heart break is on a different level.

I see your point. I did not go through years of infertility but it was my first and I was very worried that I could not have children. Still, I did not feel resentfl of others with babies. I did not hold them responsible for my loss or issues. I felt they were entitled to their joy. The joy I wanted.