SIL lost baby at 20 weeks, we were due 2 weeks apart

[Anonymous]

I am 22 weeks pregnant with DC2, SIL was due with her DC2 2 weeks after me but they just found out at their anatomy scan that their baby will not survive. We were both having boys.

By way if background, it's DHs brother's wife, we have never been close. We both went through fertility to conceive both pregnancies but she had a harder journey than I did. Our relationship cooled considerably when I got pregnant wih dc1 before she was pregnant with her dc1. I would like to reach out and do whatever I can to prevent any more damage to our relationship. Also we do not live in the same city but they live in the same city as DHs parents and other siblings. I am thinking at least a card with a supportive note but not sure if anything else would be appropriate or appreciated.

[Anonymous]

I think she may just need some space. Don't rush her into being okay. It's not about you and your relationship right now, though if you get in her face, your relationship will be an easy target, unfortunately.

[Anonymous]

A card with a simple "I'm so sorry and thinking of you" would be appropriate.

It just sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am 22 weeks pregnant with DC2, SIL was due with her DC2 2 weeks after me but they just found out at their anatomy scan that their baby will not survive. We were both having boys.

By way if background, it's DHs brother's wife, we have never been close. We both went through fertility to conceive both pregnancies but she had a harder journey than I did. Our relationship cooled considerably when I got pregnant wih dc1 before she was pregnant with her dc1. I would like to reach out and do whatever I can to prevent any more damage to our relationship. Also we do not live in the same city but they live in the same city as DHs parents and other siblings. I am thinking at least a card with a supportive note but not sure if anything else would be appropriate or appreciated.

Your relationship cooled considerably when you were pregnant two weeks ahead of her?????

[Anonymous]

Leave her be until her husband is able to communicate her/their wishes about how they want things to go. She is going to have feelings of sadness and yes, jealousy, and a whole lot of life isn't f-ing fair, especially in regards to other pregnant women. DW and I had a loss at 17 weeks and even six months later those feelings still arise in me. Try not to take it personally, and as PP said, this isn't about you and your relationship with her. This kind of loss is absolutely unimaginable, indescribable, and one that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am 22 weeks pregnant with DC2, SIL was due with her DC2 2 weeks after me but they just found out at their anatomy scan that their baby will not survive. We were both having boys.

By way if background, it's DHs brother's wife, we have never been close. We both went through fertility to conceive both pregnancies but she had a harder journey than I did. Our relationship cooled considerably when I got pregnant wih dc1 before she was pregnant with her dc1. I would like to reach out and do whatever I can to prevent any more damage to our relationship. Also we do not live in the same city but they live in the same city as DHs parents and other siblings. I am thinking at least a card with a supportive note but not sure if anything else would be appropriate or appreciated.

Your relationship cooled considerably when you were pregnant two weeks ahead of her?????

Where did you get this idea?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Leave her be until her husband is able to communicate her/their wishes about how they want things to go. She is going to have feelings of sadness and yes, jealousy, and a whole lot of life isn't f-ing fair, especially in regards to other pregnant women. DW and I had a loss at 17 weeks and even six months later those feelings still arise in me. Try not to take it personally, and as PP said, this isn't about you and your relationship with her. This kind of loss is absolutely unimaginable, indescribable, and one that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

They're not in the same city. A card is fine. SIL can read it in private, cry, tear it up, or appreciate the thought. It's a kind gesture.

[Anonymous]

Even if you two women SILs were never close, your DH should call and talk to his brother to offer condolences. Also, you should call your MIL and ask if there is anything you could do to help, considering you are also pregnant and you don't live in the same city. Family closest to SIL in the same city will be able to babysit the youngest, bring food, help around the house. You should also offer to help out somehow. I would not send a card.

[Anonymous]

It's between the brothers. Let your dh reach out to his brother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A card with a simple "I'm so sorry and thinking of you" would be appropriate.

It just sucks.

I agree with this. You need to reach out somehow and a card is the best way. Gives her space, no expectation of a reply.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am 22 weeks pregnant with DC2, SIL was due with her DC2 2 weeks after me but they just found out at their anatomy scan that their baby will not survive. We were both having boys.

By way if background, it's DHs brother's wife, we have never been close. We both went through fertility to conceive both pregnancies but she had a harder journey than I did. Our relationship cooled considerably when I got pregnant wih dc1 before she was pregnant with her dc1. I would like to reach out and do whatever I can to prevent any more damage to our relationship. Also we do not live in the same city but they live in the same city as DHs parents and other siblings. I am thinking at least a card with a supportive note but not sure if anything else would be appropriate or appreciated.

Your relationship cooled considerably when you were pregnant two weeks ahead of her?????

They were both on kid #2. OP was saying she got pregnant with her first b/f SIL.

[Anonymous]

OP, this was me exactly with my SIL, only I was the one who lost my baby. It was horrific. The entire situation was exacerbated because her ongoing pregnancy/now-child served as a constant reminder of my loss. I could not bring myself to go to the christening.

In fact, I've just met her daughter at age one. I was very good and didn't cry in front of everyone, but I sobber behind closed doors.

Just be gentle with her. Know that your joy is the realization of her loss. She will likely never get over her pain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, this was me exactly with my SIL, only I was the one who lost my baby. It was horrific. The entire situation was exacerbated because her ongoing pregnancy/now-child served as a constant reminder of my loss. I could not bring myself to go to the christening.

In fact, I've just met her daughter at age one. I was very good and didn't cry in front of everyone, but I sobber behind closed doors.

Just be gentle with her. Know that your joy is the realization of her loss. She will likely never get over her pain.

Were you honest in explaining why you waited so long to meet the baby? I assume so. But did that add to the awkwardness?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A card with a simple "I'm so sorry and thinking of you" would be appropriate.

It just sucks.

I agree with this. You need to reach out somehow and a card is the best way. Gives her space, no expectation of a reply.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this was me exactly with my SIL, only I was the one who lost my baby. It was horrific. The entire situation was exacerbated because her ongoing pregnancy/now-child served as a constant reminder of my loss. I could not bring myself to go to the christening.

In fact, I've just met her daughter at age one. I was very good and didn't cry in front of everyone, but I sobber behind closed doors.

Just be gentle with her. Know that your joy is the realization of her loss. She will likely never get over her pain.

Were you honest in explaining why you waited so long to meet the baby? I assume so. But did that add to the awkwardness?

I didn't really think I needed to explain anything . Im sure she could put 2 plus 2 together. However, there was an overall awkwardness for everyone in the family any time I was in the same room with her little one. No one said anything but the tension was palpable.

It's only been a year so maybe things will change in the future. But for me now it is still fresh pain and still very hurtful. I didn't want to hear about her delivery or anything afterward. I mean, I had my own delivery at 24 weeks but it was not a joyous event. Maybe I am being a bitch about the whole thing but I can't help the way I feel.