SIL lost baby at 20 weeks, we were due 2 weeks apart

[Anonymous]

I had a stillbirth at 20 weeks. Getting cards was great. Getting flowers were even better. Made me feel like my baby was a real person; you'd send flowers for someone who had lived 75 years, why not someone who hadn't had the chance to live?

The best things I heard from family is "you baby is apart of the family and won't be forgotten". And another friend said, "I sit in the sadness with you". He didn't try to make me feel better. He acknowledged my sadness and was brave enough to sit in it with me.

Whatever you do, don't ask her "how are you doing?" I hated that question. Unless you are in the inner circle, you don't really want to know or I don't really want to tell you how I'm really feeling. So now I have to expend energy to say something fake like, "Good as can be expected"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Treat it the same way you would treat it if he child died after birth. It's a death of a child. It should be treated with the same gravity.

I think sending condolences now is a must. In the future, you could send her a longer note about how sorry you are she's had such a wretched thing happen. Acknowledge that you realize your own pregnancy might make things awkward and that that's ok. You will follow her lead moving forward. Tell her you love her, you are thinking of her, and that you loved her baby.

[b]And then stop being a brat and take whatever she dishes. She's been through hell.

This is a very difficult situation but I have to say I strongly disagree. I have lost a baby due to late miscarriage and yes, it was very painful. But I never felt the right to dish out anything. My sister had a baby 2 months after I lost mine and I never felt there was a connection. I have felt the pain but really do not understand this license to behave badly. People were kind to me. Some said shitty things. They did not mean it. I think it helped that I did not get pregnant again right away. It was my first and I waited 18 months before I got pregnant again. It was a complicated pregnancy but everyone was fine and did not walk on eggshells, which is what I wanted.

I am very sorry for your sister in laws loss. Yes, you need to give her space but you are also entitled to your joy.

The difference here is that you're not suffering from infertility. You had the privilege to WAIT 18 months to get pregnant again. They go through stressful and costly fertility treatments and it can take YEARS for them to finally get pregnant, when they go through miscarriage after feeling like they achieved a miracle. The heart break is on a different level.

Really? Yeah, infertility is totally the same as losing a baby in a late miscarriage. Go away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Treat it the same way you would treat it if he child died after birth. It's a death of a child. It should be treated with the same gravity.

I think sending condolences now is a must. In the future, you could send her a longer note about how sorry you are she's had such a wretched thing happen. Acknowledge that you realize your own pregnancy might make things awkward and that that's ok. You will follow her lead moving forward. Tell her you love her, you are thinking of her, and that you loved her baby.

[b]And then stop being a brat and take whatever she dishes. She's been through hell.

This is a very difficult situation but I have to say I strongly disagree. I have lost a baby due to late miscarriage and yes, it was very painful. But I never felt the right to dish out anything. My sister had a baby 2 months after I lost mine and I never felt there was a connection. I have felt the pain but really do not understand this license to behave badly. People were kind to me. Some said shitty things. They did not mean it. I think it helped that I did not get pregnant again right away. It was my first and I waited 18 months before I got pregnant again. It was a complicated pregnancy but everyone was fine and did not walk on eggshells, which is what I wanted.

I am very sorry for your sister in laws loss. Yes, you need to give her space but you are also entitled to your joy.

The difference here is that you're not suffering from infertility. You had the privilege to WAIT 18 months to get pregnant again. They go through stressful and costly fertility treatments and it can take YEARS for them to finally get pregnant, when they go through miscarriage after feeling like they achieved a miracle. The heart break is on a different level.

Really? Yeah, infertility is totally the same as losing a baby in a late miscarriage. Go away.

NP. That was totally uncalled for. A late miscarriage is horrible. And lots of people (including me) who haven't dealt with years of fertility treatments still experience serious anxiety about our ability to get pregnant (due to age, other reasons, etc.). No one KNOWS they will get pregnant successfully again. So PP may have waited 18 months but for you to act like she just knew she was guaranteed a kid in the future is ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

This happened to me. I had a miscarriage and immediately after that, like 7 of our friends got pregnant! It was terrible for me as we continued to try each month.

I agree with the card
agree with have your husband reach out to her husband
ask MIL if there's anything you can do

Proceed with sensitivity. Don't post baby pics all over facebook if she's a "friend" of yours/your husband, or do selective blocking of photos. Even to your in laws as if she finds out you posted pics and excluded her, that could make her sad too.

You are also going to need to be careful about shower invitations etc. Maybe have your DH talk to hers about whether to include them in invitations etc. You don't want to plaster it all over but you also don't want her to think you are excluding her to be mean.

It's tough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Treat it the same way you would treat it if he child died after birth. It's a death of a child. It should be treated with the same gravity.

I think sending condolences now is a must. In the future, you could send her a longer note about how sorry you are she's had such a wretched thing happen. Acknowledge that you realize your own pregnancy might make things awkward and that that's ok. You will follow her lead moving forward. Tell her you love her, you are thinking of her, and that you loved her baby.

[b]And then stop being a brat and take whatever she dishes. She's been through hell.

This is a very difficult situation but I have to say I strongly disagree. I have lost a baby due to late miscarriage and yes, it was very painful. But I never felt the right to dish out anything. My sister had a baby 2 months after I lost mine and I never felt there was a connection. I have felt the pain but really do not understand this license to behave badly. People were kind to me. Some said shitty things. They did not mean it. I think it helped that I did not get pregnant again right away. It was my first and I waited 18 months before I got pregnant again. It was a complicated pregnancy but everyone was fine and did not walk on eggshells, which is what I wanted.

I am very sorry for your sister in laws loss. Yes, you need to give her space but you are also entitled to your joy.

The difference here is that you're not suffering from infertility. You had the privilege to WAIT 18 months to get pregnant again. They go through stressful and costly fertility treatments and it can take YEARS for them to finally get pregnant, when they go through miscarriage after feeling like they achieved a miracle. The heart break is on a different level.

Really? Yeah, infertility is totally the same as losing a baby in a late miscarriage. Go away.

NP. That was totally uncalled for. A late miscarriage is horrible. And lots of people (including me) who haven't dealt with years of fertility treatments still experience serious anxiety about our ability to get pregnant (due to age, other reasons, etc.). No one KNOWS they will get pregnant successfully again. So PP may have waited 18 months but for you to act like she just knew she was guaranteed a kid in the future is ridiculous.

No, YOU'RE horrible for treating a child that never existed (infertility) the same as one who died.

[Anonymous]

PP, it's ridiculous to be comparing pains here, trying to find a winner like it's a competition. Someone else could say you're horrible for comparing a still birth to a "child that died". I.e., don't compare a stillbirth to the loss of a child you knew, loved, raised, etc.

Just stop.

- Not the poster(s) you are talking to

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP, it's ridiculous to be comparing pains here, trying to find a winner like it's a competition. Someone else could say you're horrible for comparing a still birth to a "child that died". I.e., don't compare a stillbirth to the loss of a child you knew, loved, raised, etc.

Just stop.

- Not the poster(s) you are talking to

I won't stop. It sicks to say that infertility is on the same level as losing a baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP, it's ridiculous to be comparing pains here, trying to find a winner like it's a competition. Someone else could say you're horrible for comparing a still birth to a "child that died". I.e., don't compare a stillbirth to the loss of a child you knew, loved, raised, etc.

Just stop.

- Not the poster(s) you are talking to

+1 I think I'm the poster being talked to but I have no idea what point is trying to be made about which is worse. They're both heartbreaking. I wasn't equating them or ranking them or anything -- just responding to her point about PP having the "privilege" to wait 18 months to get pregnant after her miscarriage, as if that makes the miscarriage less bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP, it's ridiculous to be comparing pains here, trying to find a winner like it's a competition. Someone else could say you're horrible for comparing a still birth to a "child that died". I.e., don't compare a stillbirth to the loss of a child you knew, loved, raised, etc.

Just stop.

- Not the poster(s) you are talking to

I won't stop. It sicks to say that infertility is on the same level as losing a baby.

What is wrong with you? BTW, don't you realize that within the rubric of "infertility" fall women who have repeated miscarriages, lose babies after IVF implants, etc? You have a weird bone to pick on this "competition."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP, it's ridiculous to be comparing pains here, trying to find a winner like it's a competition. Someone else could say you're horrible for comparing a still birth to a "child that died". I.e., don't compare a stillbirth to the loss of a child you knew, loved, raised, etc.

Just stop.

- Not the poster(s) you are talking to

I won't stop. It sicks to say that infertility is on the same level as losing a baby.

Not that it matters because I believe pain is pain when it comes to honest to god tragedies and accidents but I think that the PP was saying that the woman went through years of treatment for IF and then lost a baby late term? And therefore couldn't get pregnant again in 18 months?

Not sure. Also, to pose a question to think about- not trying to be insensitive just genuinely curious, do you think that there is a reasonable 'time limit' (wrong words but not sure how to phrase it) for family and friends to be expected to be supportive to the extent of walking on eggshells? I think that is obviously the initial needed reaction, almost over think everything with caution because why cause more pain?! Should that always be the case? Is it ever something that can become a burden though that is not healthy for either party any more? And when? I mean there is no right answer but I could see how it could cause serious family issues and be very unhealthy for the mom suffering the loss even to no longer be able to attend holidays or happy times 3,5, 10 years down the road from this tragedy. Almost like it then defines the whole family dynamic. Just something I am wondering about.

I do not have family that have experienced this but sadly do have family friends who have experienced loss of an older or adult child, its all so sad.

[Anonymous]

Ok, I think people are being really harsh and oddly competitive here. I personally think it's bizarre that it's somehow your fault that you got pregnant before her the first time, doing damage to your relationship. I get that infertility sucks, but that is bitchy. You both had treatments to get there, FFS.

I think you guys should send a card and maybe some flowers and/or a donation, as has been suggested above. I don't think you're obligated to personally reach out. I also think you blocking pictures from her on Facebook later is a step too far. I understand the sentiment behind what that poster was saying, but I think it's not on you to shield her. She probably will have to stop Facebook for a while anyway, and she should decide who to block on her own.

As for time limits, I don't know. But I found it odd ten years later to get Christmas letters from an aunt that ended with something about continuing to mourn the loss of her parents. It was just a strange place to talk about it, when those letters are usually updates on happy things.

And no, no one is allowed to use OP as a punching bag just because her pregnancy continues. That's ridiculous. I mean, people should be sensitive to her sil, but it's not open season to be a flat out bitch to others.