Reply to SIL lost baby at 20 weeks, we were due 2 weeks apart

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Reply to "SIL lost baby at 20 weeks, we were due 2 weeks apart"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP--this happened to me, I suffered a stillbirth at 28 weeks and a close friend, who was due on the same day as me, had a healthy baby. We haven't seen each other since we lost our daughter. I haven't met her son either. It's been almost a year. I agree with the PPs who say give her space. I think sending a nice card would be nice. It should ONLY say I'm so sorry for your loss. Avoid anything religious, anything  like "everything happens for a reason," or anything else. Stick with I'm sorry and I'm thinking of you. Be patient, gentle and kind to her and her family. Also, if you do this, maybe skip sending them your usual holiday card or anything that might inadvertently say "look at our perfect family, don't you wish you were us." Said friend did that and it was like a knife in the heart. On or around the due date, send another note with "I'm thinking of you, I know this must be hard time for you."

Finally, to the PP who suffered a loss at 24 weeks--I'm with you. I don't want to hear about other people's healthy deliveries. I also have a hard time being around children who are the same age as my daughter would be if she had lived. I think that's normal and it's going to be that way forever. To 9:51 who suggested therapy, I agree with that too. I've been seeing someone and going to a perinatal loss support group. They're both great and helpful. [b]But, from meeting other people at this group, this isn't something that ever completely heals. It's always going to be there, be a part of you. Just like losing a spouse or a sibling or someone you really loved would be. A relative suffered this kind of loss 25 years ago, she still gets teary when she talks about the baby she lost. It's always going to be sad and that's ok.[/b] [/quote]

I'm the PP with the therapy suggestion and I just wanted to note that I think most people 100% realize that these two things are not mutually exclusive. Healing and sadness can live in the same place, and they usually do. I think most people recognize that "healed" doesn't mean not sad. I do hope that you and PP can get to a place where you can be around multiple ages of people and generations, not without recognition of the sadness but without the debilitation of sadness, especially in family, because those are the ones that love you the most (ideally!).

I'm so sorry for your loss.
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