Reply to Lack of trust after sexual assault

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]

I hope I would. Those are all very accurate statements. Hopefully I could put aside my hurt and focus on her more significant concerns. But I can't say for sure. My insecurity about whether she finds me fun and attractive is probably the biggest Achilles heel in our otherwise excellent marriage. Sex is how I feel loved and our sex life is pretty tepid. So a scenario where our sex life gets messed up even further due to a situation about which I might be jealous anyway would fuel all kinds of toxic emotions. So, doing what I need to do and being a responsible husband could possibly be easier said than done.

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This is a perfect example of a person who is toxically selfish. I thank the PP for being honest but, WOW. Just wow. Anyone who could be pissed off at someone you love for getting sexually assaulted (for WHATEVER reason) is self absorbed and shows a total lack of empathy. That really sucks. [/quote]

I think you have a bit of tunnel vision going on by pretending that the assault victim is the only one affected -- which shows a lack of empathy on your part. The spouse of the assault victim is affected too. Much less directly, for sure. But the spouse had absolutely no control over the situation and has to feel that much more helpless in the face of it. While the assault victim is damaged more profoundly and has to be the primary concern, if you ignore the damage also done to the spouse, you're going to wind up not fixing the entire problem. [/quote]

Op here - three of us now in this convo.  Original responder - I think you and my DH are right with each other.  And while I appreciate the other poster's support, I don't know that I would call that toxic selfishness.  I think it's probably a pretty "normal" and not "uncommon" response.  And I also think that for the primary victim of the assault, living with that response from a loved one can make recovery very very difficult.  I hope that this never happens to someone you love - either of you. For the person that is like my DH, maybe I would help to think of it not as a husband but instead from the viewpoint of a father or brother or son.  Would you be able to say the bolded words to you daughter, sister, mother?  I'm trying to get to a place where I can hear them even if they aren't said aloud because I know he loves me and what's blocking him from saying those things is his own pain and insecurity. But God it would help so much to hear them aloud.[/quote]

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