Defaulted into main breadwinner
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Anonymous
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I married someone who had very good career prospects which immediately ground to a halt once we had kids. The expectation -- well reality -- is that I am the sole means for our family to survive. I had to make peace with that because I wouldn't have married my wife had I known that she didn't value her career enough to keep working and just assumed I would be okay with being the sole income earner because I make more.
I just never, ever wanted a spouse to be a full time stay at home parent. Part of it is, quite frankly, an attraction thing. I found my wife's intelligence and career drive attractive. Part of it is pragmatic. My wife honestly isn't the best at running a home full time, finds it overwhelming (often bails once I am home because she had it up to here with the kids), and is quite frankly bored. Our ability to connect as adults outside of parents is disappearing by the month. Coming home to someone who is slowly but surely turning into a person I would have never, ever been attracted to is disconcerting (pintrest obsessed and into how things look versus the nuts and bolts of running a house -- think dirty laundry everywhere and no dinner but gorgeous crafts she made with the kids and pinned). She goes on about how difficult it is to be home, but honestly it's a freaking choice, so my willingness to care is somewhat diminished when faced with the amount of stuff left for me to deal with once I walk in the door. Our kids are small and the oldest one is in preschool. I am going to put the younger one in preschool in a year and then stand by and see what happens. I am praying that my wife will get her shit together once the excuse of small children isn't so accessible. People don't like being defaulted into the main breadwinner unless they really, really agree to it. There's a thread about the ultimatum couple who ended up divorcing because of this (although there is a ton of bs about introvert/extrovert, it's really this issue that killed that couple). Are there any stories of couples we bounced back from this? I know I have resentment, but I really need to hold onto the idea that this is a common thing and roles change as the kids get older. |
Anonymous
| Why are you praying your wife will get her shit together? YOU'll put the youngest in preschool? Talk to her and decide together on the way forward. Do you know how SHE feels about her life? |
Anonymous
Sounds like she made a bunch of decisions without HIS agreement. OP, that sucks and Id be very resentful. |
Anonymous
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Why doesn't your wife care about how upset you are? How did you end up here? I don't know if this is a bigger issue with her and the lack of ambition is just how it's showing itself right now and later it'll be something else. Can you talk to her about having a 30 minute buffer from when you get home before she starts unloading on you? It's a start. You've got to see how willing she is to contribute to a solution to determine how deep this issue runs.
P.S. Introvert/extrovert stuff really isn't bullshit- it can mess up a lot of couples |
Anonymous
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Have you talked to your wife about this?
I have to say, if I came to a dirty house etc every night, I'd seriously doubt the value my spouse provides as a homemaker. (I'm female with a retired husband.) |
Anonymous
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I'm OP. A lot of it is that my DW made a lot of decisions in a very passive way without my input. She stopped job hunting after leaving a job she didn't like. She just felt it was impossible to get hired pregnant. And with daycare cost, it was a wash. So, she just made the decision to stop working or looking and that was that. There are jobs she'd be qualified for but she just isn't willing to do the work to hustle for them like she used to.
But I really liked our daycare. Our older thrived and our younger one really would benefit from being in a more structured environment. I actually would have been happier taking a small loss and having the kids go because our time together would be quality time and our time apart would be spent furthering ourselves professionally as adults. And truthfully, the wear and tear on home would be so much less because we'd all be gone for large parts of the day. I can tell you right now the house is a mess and will be until this weekend when I will spend it doing a deep cleaning. I just think that the decision was a bad one and when I try to bring it up, I get tears, demands that she needs a break and wants to just be a mom as her job (I just point our being a parent isn't a job so much as a role in a family. You don't stop being a mom just because you work). Financially, it's stupid for us to not both be working. We aren't saving for retirement beyond my 401k and we aren't saving for the kids' college or anything beyond a few months of emergency saving. That stresses me out. I actually started therapy to deal with my resentment. It helped but the therapist mentioned that this might just be a phase. So I wanted to see if anyone else went through this... |
Anonymous
| OP it sounds like you have a baby, if your oldest is just in preschool. Cut your wife a break!! Much of what you said could be said about me but I am glad to say my DH and I are in great shape and I think he would tell you the attraction has not diminished. Part of that is because we made the decision together for me to stay home, but part of it is that he loves me and wants me to be happy, and he sees how much happier the kids are with me home than they were when I worked. We are also lucky that my DH earns enough that we can live comfortably and meet our goals without my financial contribution. But part of why he's been as successful as he has is that my being home enables my him to give 100% to his job. He can work late, attend work dinners, travel on short notice, etc. That was NOT the case when I worked and it was really hard. It put a lot of stress on our marriage to constantly be negotiating who could do preschool drop off and who could relieve the nanny, not to mention who was going to pick up the groceries, throw dinner together, make lunches, etc. Now there's no question that I can do all those things. My DH still helps a lot when he's home but when he's not that's fine too. Our house is messy I admit, and that's something I'm working on, but only because my youngest is now in preschool 3 mornings a week and my oldest is in kindergarten. Before that I just couldn't keep up with the house -- it doesn't come naturally to me and it was so hard with babies and toddlers. That phase really is SO difficult. But we always caught up on weekends and the cleaning lady came once a week and it was fine. I am so glad my DH and I are on the same page because it would really make me lose respect for him if he were to cut me down the way you talk about your DW. Again, our situations aren't the same but there are a lot of similarities. This isn't what I would necessarily have chosen but my career didn't take off the way I had hoped and I felt guilty all the time being away from the kids. My DH understands that everything changes when you have kids, and the priorities and goals you had before may need to be adjusted in ways you couldn't have predicted. Try to give your wife the same understanding. |
Anonymous
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Yup. Things change when you have kids. You should have learned to use BC and not procreate.
It would not have been easy for her to SAHM and then find that you do not appreciate her. She married a loser. Sympathies to her. |
Anonymous
Disagree. HE married a loser. OP, ignore the SAHMs on here who are bitter about any man who wants to respect his wife as an equal partner in all ways. |
Anonymous
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How about getting a baby sitter and doing a joint parenting class - if she is so overwhelmed with the kids it may be a worthwhile investment.
It can also give you both opportunities to reconnect. |
Anonymous
Dude, look what you just wrote. If your wife worked, her salary would go to paying daycare costs. If your wife doesn't work, you don't have to pay for daycare. If it is a true wash and what comes in goes immediately out, how can you fault your wife for being a SAHM mom if she is not interested in, as she may look at it, working for free? If this statement is true, then you're the breadwinner anyway whether she works or not because her role - whether working to pay for daycare or not working to not have to pay for daycare - has nothing to do with how much money you as a family have each month. You may not think that a SAHM is sexy, but I'd loooove to see how sexy you think your wife is when she is working 40 hours a week, doing childcare at nights and weekends, and has even less time to cook and clean for you. |
Anonymous
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I feel your pain but it is completely reversed! I am a default SAHM because DH refused to help pick up the kids from daycare and do half of the housework while he was on his way being promoted up the corporate ladder. We could hire all the help we wanted but I quit when it got to be ridiculous -- a full time live in nanny, housekeeper, and no one available to be around when one of our kids was sick.
In our case the resentment did die down and we found other ways to connect other than talking about our careers. Life is rarely what you expect. You do have a golden opportunity to make the most of your career. I wish I had that chance. |
Anonymous
OP, it sounds like a marriage issue and you could likely benefit from doing some couples counseling along with your individual therapy. Your points are valid and understandable - it is no picnic being the sole breadwinner, particularly when it was not a choice made by the two of you. Your therapist may be right that this is a phase, but that doesn't speak to the problem of your wife making a family decision unilaterally, or her inability to discuss your family financial situation without tears (which frankly sounds manipulative to me). Those are huge issues that you need to confront together. It may be that in the short term, her continuing to SAH is the right approach for your family - but if that is so then it should be your joint decision, and there should be a joint understanding of what that means vis-a-vis childcare, housekeeping, finances, etc. You should also discuss the long term *together*: When you will make childcare arrangements for both of your children; what kind of a job she will look for; how household duties will be handled; etc. I feel for you and wish you the best of luck with this. Signed, WOHM (FWIW) |
Anonymous
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It just sounds like you guys aren't great at talking to each other. I am sure if DW was here, she'd have a lot to say about why she feels like staying home is the right choice and her happiness with it. She may feel it's "the right thing to do" as a mom - not necessarily because she enjoys it or is good at it. Also know that your kids are very small and you are firmly in the trenches - SO much will change in the next few years and it will get so much easier for both of you.
You two need to go away/out to dinner and really talk about the future. Here are the questions you need to get at: 1) How do you want your children cared for both now and when they are school aged? 2) How do you see your family ideally working in 3-5 years? Does DW want to go back to work? 3) How can both of you make decisions for your family together, instead of unilaterally. How has that hurt your relationship? How can that improve? 4) Can you make a plan that both of your like about finances, careers, child care and education? |
Anonymous
Did you bring it up with her in counselling, or did you just leave it alone to fester when you got "tears, demands, ..."? If so, that was a big mistake. |