Asking sibling and in law if they are planning to have kids

[Anonymous]

I won't ask. But when I said I finally had to say "we are trying", I think it is relevant that my husband and I actually got pregnant within 2 years of getting married and within 4 years of beginning our relationship. So my frustration with my family was that they wanted a honeymoon baby and I wanted a little married life before kids. I basically got home from the honeymoon and the henpecking started. Little did I know that I actually couldn't have gotten pregnant at that time. I only learned about the fertility issues after trying for a while (cuz that is how it works).

I am just reminded of the thread on here a few weeks ago where a person without kids asked about people being hostile to people who don't want kids. I am not hostile but I just wonder if they have made a choice--it is normal to wonder. They have been together a long time and they aren't getting any younger.

As I said, I won't ask and whoever said if I have to ask if it is ok, then it probably isn't, is right.

[Anonymous]

There is no elephant in the room, it's only in your head. They have not asked you, nor does it appear they expect you, to make any adjustments for them either way. This is your own nosiness, pure and simple, so please stop trying to justify it as something they're somehow doing to you by not announcing their childbearing plans to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I won't ask. But when I said I finally had to say "we are trying", I think it is relevant that my husband and I actually got pregnant within 2 years of getting married and within 4 years of beginning our relationship. So my frustration with my family was that they wanted a honeymoon baby and I wanted a little married life before kids. I basically got home from the honeymoon and the henpecking started. Little did I know that I actually couldn't have gotten pregnant at that time. I only learned about the fertility issues after trying for a while (cuz that is how it works).

I am just reminded of the thread on here a few weeks ago where a person without kids asked about people being hostile to people who don't want kids. I am not hostile but I just wonder if they have made a choice--it is normal to wonder. They have been together a long time and they aren't getting any younger.

As I said, I won't ask and whoever said if I have to ask if it is ok, then it probably isn't, is right.

And you are perpetuating the kind of societal pressure that people who are together a long time cannot be fully fulfilled as human beings or adults until they breed.

Stop.

If you feel that you were bullied into having children by your family, then I'm sorry. But that says more about your relationship with your family than one thread will probably allow. Because I know where that behaviour would end with me, and when. I'll give you a hint: the first and only time they would have asked.

Your extended family is living their lives as they see fit. It has NOTHING to do with you. Or how you were treated. Or what you wonder. Or how you think they should conduct themselves.

It has nothing to do with you.

Let me repeat: it had nothing to do with you.

[Anonymous]

Been with my DH for 7 years and no kids yet. I don't mind at all when asked. I'm actually excited to talk about the future. It doesn't have to be a big deal.

[Anonymous]

Apparently reading comprehension is an issue. I said I will NOT ask.

I do think that it is weird, though. And i don't care if it isn't my business. I am allowed to think it is weird. I am also allowed start assuming they aren't having kids. Everyone else assumes they are and wants me to save crap for them and i have been. Done. You are all right. It is none of my business so I won't save stuff.

I totally get it and apparently some of you are SUPER bothered by me asking the question. But, notwithstanding PPs comments, it is an elephant in the room if NO ONE is allowed to ask about it. That is actually exactly what an elephant in the room is. Something that everyone knows is there but no one will discuss. They have been together a decade, they have been married over 4, they are apparently healthy, have good jobs. She is 35! What is next? Since they said they want kids, isn't that next? Right???? So the fact that no one asks is because it is an elephant in the room--and it is awkward!! And the way she snuggles up on the latest baby makes it seem even more appropriate to ask. But no on does. Elephant is NOT in my head!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I won't ask. But when I said I finally had to say "we are trying", I think it is relevant that my husband and I actually got pregnant within 2 years of getting married and within 4 years of beginning our relationship. So my frustration with my family was that they wanted a honeymoon baby and I wanted a little married life before kids. I basically got home from the honeymoon and the henpecking started. Little did I know that I actually couldn't have gotten pregnant at that time. I only learned about the fertility issues after trying for a while (cuz that is how it works).

I am just reminded of the thread on here a few weeks ago where a person without kids asked about people being hostile to people who don't want kids. I am not hostile but I just wonder if they have made a choice--it is normal to wonder. They have been together a long time and they aren't getting any younger.

As I said, I won't ask and whoever said if I have to ask if it is ok, then it probably isn't, is right.

So why in the hell would you even think of asking them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I won't ask. But when I said I finally had to say "we are trying", I think it is relevant that my husband and I actually got pregnant within 2 years of getting married and within 4 years of beginning our relationship. So my frustration with my family was that they wanted a honeymoon baby and I wanted a little married life before kids. I basically got home from the honeymoon and the henpecking started. Little did I know that I actually couldn't have gotten pregnant at that time. I only learned about the fertility issues after trying for a while (cuz that is how it works).

I am just reminded of the thread on here a few weeks ago where a person without kids asked about people being hostile to people who don't want kids. I am not hostile but I just wonder if they have made a choice--it is normal to wonder. They have been together a long time and they aren't getting any younger.

As I said, I won't ask and whoever said if I have to ask if it is ok, then it probably isn't, is right.

So why in the hell would you even think of asking them?

You are a dolt. They have been together for a decade! Living together for a decade. My husband and I started living together after we got engaged. On our wedding day we had been living together 6 months. Wanted some time for fun and travel. I think there is huge difference between 6 months and 10 years.

[Anonymous]

thanks. I won't ask.
But here are some background details. I had fertility issues and it was openly discussed. Although they have had several children, my other sibling had fertility issues and it was openly discussed. Thus, in our family, the topic has not been hush hush. In a way, I guess, I feel like if fertility is an issue, acting like it isn't is a little odd. But it is a personal choice to talk about it and they may be keeping it private.
It is an elephant in the room because for so long they have talked about and made decisions that reflect a longterm desire to have kids coupled with a short term desire to continue having fun (party lifestyle). As the years go by, the party time has continued and the talk about kids has virtual stopped. But since they always said they wanted them, it seems appropriate to assume they still do. But maybe they don't. FWIW, no one asks so they aren't pestered. Perhaps parents ask but with me it was relentless from parents, aunts, siblings until I finally said "we are trying!"

OP, a couple thoughts. First, glad you decided not to ask. Second, it sounds like you and your family get together often and discuss these things (you discussed your fertility, sibling discussed hers, inlaw discussed longterm desire for kids but short term partying). It is only natural that when the whole family is talking about these things, for them to talk about their decision at that time - during a natural conversation - if they want to disclose or to be silent during these natural conversations.

That right there is your answer. Clearly when conversations like these come up, they are already letting you know whether they want to share their decision, not share their decision, or that they haven't made their decision yet. You already got your answer, but you coming out and asking makes it awkward. Honestly, if you are that curous, why not raise some topics that all of you could talk about that centers on having kids and watch their body language, responses and/or lack of responses. That will tell you plenty. But Glad you decided to not talk about it.

third - it doesn't seem like it's this pressing issue that everyone is buzzing about unless there's a family altering event that is affected by them being pregnant. Will your activities, conversations, or behavior change on vacation based on whether they decided to try and have kids, decided but are having trouble, or decided not to have kids? Please really take a moment to analyze yourself and your family as it sounds like that's really what's going on. And if it is, please, please, please consider their feelings before doing this. Even subtle things like,

"Oh, it's been such a crazy holiday I'm so happy we're on this vacation [turning to sib and in-law] I know you can't relate, but the kids have been driving us crazy since back at school.]

"Hey, let's all talk about where we want to go for next year for vaca. [turning to sib and in-law] I know you wouldn't want to go to Disneyland [another kid-friendly place] so let's look at other options.

Please be aware of these subtle but hurtful ways you may be alienating them because they are child-free.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Apparently reading comprehension is an issue. I said I will NOT ask.

I do think that it is weird, though. And i don't care if it isn't my business. I am allowed to think it is weird. I am also allowed start assuming they aren't having kids. Everyone else assumes they are and wants me to save crap for them and i have been. Done. You are all right. It is none of my business so I won't save stuff.

I totally get it and apparently some of you are SUPER bothered by me asking the question. But, notwithstanding PPs comments, it is an elephant in the room if NO ONE is allowed to ask about it. That is actually exactly what an elephant in the room is. Something that everyone knows is there but no one will discuss. They have been together a decade, they have been married over 4, they are apparently healthy, have good jobs. She is 35! What is next? Since they said they want kids, isn't that next? Right???? So the fact that no one asks is because it is an elephant in the room--and it is awkward!! And the way she snuggles up on the latest baby makes it seem even more appropriate to ask. But no on does. Elephant is NOT in my head!

Again you are assuming having children = fulfilment.

DH and I have been together over 10 years. I'm 39 this year. We both have good jobs. We are settled, healthy, and happy.

There will be no children.

But you know what I tell nosy, rude, cruel, prying people who judge me by the fact that I have not borne children? I give them the someday shit because it gets them off my back and out of my uterus. Because it is easier to say someday vs. getting into the very personal decisions and conditions that revolve around childbearing.

So whatever will they do?

Perhaps they will have children.
Perhaps they will travel.
Perhaps they will maintain the status quo.
Perhaps they will sell all their posessions and move to a remote city in Equador.
Perhaps they will buy motorcycles and travel to Alaska.
Perhaps they will buy a dog.

But no matter what, it is none of your business judging them by the ruler by which you measure your own life and worth.

And if you were to throw your elephant in my lap, I can guarantee it would not be there long.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Been with my DH for 7 years and no kids yet. I don't mind at all when asked. I'm actually excited to talk about the future. It doesn't have to be a big deal.

But I bet you haven't been silent on the subject for 10 years. My SIL talks about her future kids all the time, which is a signal that it's a fine conversation with her. If she didn't mention it for years, that would be a different signal.

[Anonymous]

I know you're not gong to ask now. But I'm interested to know ... what would you have done with the information, anyway?

Also, it strikes me in your posts that you do a lot of comparing yourself with others. It's quite odd. Still - sounds like you have a nice, close relationship with your family.

[Anonymous]

I have 2 brothers, one with kids and one without. The one with kids was open about IVF at the time. The other one volunteered to me that they tried IVF, had a m/c and stopped due to financial concerns. Also that they were making a conscious choice not to adopt. I didn't agree with those choices entirely (my parents would have given them the money for IVF ten times over). But I did not push back on their choices, and when they swore me to secrecy, I've respected that.

Still, I sometimes wish they would share this with my other sibling. There's a bit of resentment on both sides, and I feel confident that there would be a lot more sympathy toward my SIL if my other brother and SIL understood that she went through the awful wringer of infertility.

So, OP, the point is that the rest of your family may know already what the story is. And that some people really do prefer to keep this kind of info to themselves, or to a small circle of trusted friends/family. If you went through infertility, you must understand that, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Been with my DH for 7 years and no kids yet. I don't mind at all when asked. I'm actually excited to talk about the future. It doesn't have to be a big deal.

But I bet you haven't been silent on the subject for 10 years. My SIL talks about her future kids all the time, which is a signal that it's a fine conversation with her. If she didn't mention it for years, that would be a different signal.

No I don't bring it up with friends or family. I wish they'd bring it up more actually. SIL tells me every time I see her about how she wants a niece/nephew but never really asks. I guess at this point I'm so excited that the thought of someone bringing it up would make me happy. DH isn't interested yet.

Another thing is that when your family asks you about marriage/babies, it means they approve of your relationship and think you're ready. When you're dating an awful guy, NO ONE is going to ask you about your marriage plans.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Apparently reading comprehension is an issue. I said I will NOT ask.

I do think that it is weird, though. And i don't care if it isn't my business. I am allowed to think it is weird. I am also allowed start assuming they aren't having kids. Everyone else assumes they are and wants me to save crap for them and i have been. Done. You are all right. It is none of my business so I won't save stuff.

I totally get it and apparently some of you are SUPER bothered by me asking the question. But, notwithstanding PPs comments, it is an elephant in the room if NO ONE is allowed to ask about it. That is actually exactly what an elephant in the room is. Something that everyone knows is there but no one will discuss. They have been together a decade, they have been married over 4, they are apparently healthy, have good jobs. She is 35! What is next? Since they said they want kids, isn't that next? Right???? So the fact that no one asks is because it is an elephant in the room--and it is awkward!! And the way she snuggles up on the latest baby makes it seem even more appropriate to ask. But no on does. Elephant is NOT in my head!

Again you are assuming having children = fulfilment.

DH and I have been together over 10 years. I'm 39 this year. We both have good jobs. We are settled, healthy, and happy.


There will be no children.

But you know what I tell nosy, rude, cruel, prying people who judge me by the fact that I have not borne children? I give them the someday shit because it gets them off my back and out of my uterus. Because it is easier to say someday vs. getting into the very personal decisions and conditions that revolve around childbearing.

So whatever will they do?

Perhaps they will have children.
Perhaps they will travel.
Perhaps they will maintain the status quo.
Perhaps they will sell all their posessions and move to a remote city in Equador.
Perhaps they will buy motorcycles and travel to Alaska.
Perhaps they will buy a dog.

But no matter what, it is none of your business judging them by the ruler by which you measure your own life and worth.

And if you were to throw your elephant in my lap, I can guarantee it would not be there long.

You know what. You are the poster child for the sensitive child free person. I absolutely agree that having kids does not mean fulfillment. I have never in all the previous postings made any mention of a life without children being unfulfilling. That is all in your head.

In fact, I was getting old enough that I was considering it is a real possibility and then I had the fertility issues and that reality was even more likely. I had a very full life before kids. I think they love their life. They have a blast and actually, that is one of the reasons I have begun to think they don't plan to have any. They don't seem to be anxious for kids of their own. And that is totally ok. But I still won't ask.

[Anonymous]

Maybe they are keeping it to themselves about trying for a baby or having fertility issues. Just b/c you and other family members talked about your/their fertility issues it doesn't mean your SIL wants to.