Asking sibling and in law if they are planning to have kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know why so many people get all overexcited about this. I completely understand why members OF A FAMILY would want to know if others IN THEIR FAMILY were interested in having children. Sometimes I read these posts and wonder WTH is wrong with so many families that they feel they should never be intimate and caring with one another (and I do feel sorry for those who can't). OP, a lot of these poor unfortunates are either just very f*cked up, or overly insecure in that awesome DC way that comes out as complete aggressiveness. There's nothing wrong with you wondering about your family members as long as it comes from a place of genuine caring and not just gossipy nosiness, and I for one I saw no evidence in your post that it was the latter, so don't feel bad.

"I am sensitive, because I am one of the few who are not child free by choice OR fertility. My spouse doesn't want children, and didn't decide that till later. I've made the decision that I can live with it, but it is NOT one that I embrace with joy, rainbows, and puppies."

PP, you are in fact child free by choice. You have chosen to stay with your spouse over having children. There is nothing at all wrong with that, and I'm sorry you had to make it, and it was undoubtedly a very, very tough choice where no matter which choice was made it was going to be a lesser of two evils - but it WAS a choice and you have made it and should own it. It is not fair to wave that around like a giant blunt axe at the rest of the world because YOU are still bitter about it. Everybody else is not going to automatically know about your special secret snowflake trigger and you shouldn't be taking it out on those who don't.

I have personally suffered many years of infertility and extensive IVF treatments and never thought it right or appropriate to tear a new one into innocent people who asked, unknowingly, if we were going to have children. Yes, if people harp and harp on it, that's a different issue. But a simple well-meant question about something that is a very common experience in human society is not a reason for unleashed rage, Jesus.

You are showing your own bitterness and assumptions about your own special snowflake status of infertility.

I do not wave my "choice" childlessness around. In fact, other than my spouse, NO ONE knows the circumstances of our childlessness. It is not a conversation I engage in because it is a deeply personal matter. It does not matter if I am childless by choice, circumstance, fertility.. It is no ones business but my own. I endure questions from my inlaws, coworkers, etc. All with a smile that well, maybe some day. It's MY life. You know who NEVER asks? My real friends. They accept without question that the discussion would happen if I wanted it to, and only then.

I'm sorry that you endured fertility treatment, but you are very fortunate that it was an option.

As far as what you feel about my choice, life is full of choices. Yes I have chosen by choosing my spouse over a child. But it's like choosing from two roads, both of which will break your heart. It cuts every day, especially when people make assumptions about who I am.

Is it less heartbreaking when someone decides to quit IVF Or not to adopt when they have wanted children? By your definition, they are childless by choice, presumably because they didn't want it enough or something. It's a choice, and a heartbreaking one. Life doesn't always go the way you plan, and there is no shame in saying it sucks. Or choosing to own your pain rather than advertise it.

I own my choice by shutting up about it, but the wound is still there and is MINE.

Every human being has their own story - it's up to them if they choose to be an open book.

[Anonymous]

Oh, and because you seem to be the type - I don't tell people that I don't want kids or pretend to celebrate that life becaus I am not "child free" in any kind of celebratory manner. I am very much childless in my heart. By advertising "child free", people make a lot of other assumptions and it am not biting into that either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't mind someone asking me if it was in a small/intimate kind of settling and as long as I wasn't pestered everytime we met.

Same here. This isn't something you bring up over a big family dinner, but if you ask from a place of concern and love in a private moment, I don't think it is wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't mind someone asking me if it was in a small/intimate kind of settling and as long as I wasn't pestered everytime we met.

Same here. This isn't something you bring up over a big family dinner, but if you ask from a place of concern and love in a private moment, I don't think it is wrong.

What cause for concern is there? That sibling and SIL aren't living up to family expectations?

"Larla, I'm concerned that you are letting perfectly good ova go to waste. You know.. That uterus of yours isn't getting any younger!"

Oh by the way, what's your last FICO score? Can I get a copy of your last STD test and PAP smear?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Apparently reading comprehension is an issue. I said I will NOT ask.

I do think that it is weird, though. And i don't care if it isn't my business. I am allowed to think it is weird. I am also allowed start assuming they aren't having kids. Everyone else assumes they are and wants me to save crap for them and i have been. Done. You are all right. It is none of my business so I won't save stuff.

I totally get it and apparently some of you are SUPER bothered by me asking the question. But, notwithstanding PPs comments, it is an elephant in the room if NO ONE is allowed to ask about it. That is actually exactly what an elephant in the room is. Something that everyone knows is there but no one will discuss. They have been together a decade, they have been married over 4, they are apparently healthy, have good jobs. She is 35! What is next? Since they said they want kids, isn't that next? Right???? So the fact that no one asks is because it is an elephant in the room--and it is awkward!! And the way she snuggles up on the latest baby makes it seem even more appropriate to ask. But no on does. Elephant is NOT in my head!

You sound awful. And a bit nutty.

[Anonymous]

No. Never ask. If someone wants to tell you, they will. In their own time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this rude? By way of background, one sibling did and has had several children. Married spouse soon after meeting and first baby came a year after marriage. 3 more followed. So there is no need to ask them. With me and my spouse, we were a little older, got married about 2 years after meeting, got pregnant within 2 years. I am a woman and my parents and siblings asked me right away. Other sibling and spouse have been together as a couple longer than any of us (more than a decade), have been married 4 years, and haven't had kids. Is it ok to ask if they want to have them? At this point, it doesn't seem like it. No signs of "trying" either such as not drinking, losing weight, etc.

I know some will say I should butt out. Fine but we are about to embark on a long family vacation with everyone there and it is kind of the elephant in the room. Everyone felt ok asking me. So is the rule somehow different when the object of the inquiry is an in-law?

Very rude. There is no need to ask anyone this question. Ever.

[Anonymous]

Are you insane? Absolutely none of your business. Unbe-effing-lievable!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I won't ask. But when I said I finally had to say "we are trying", I think it is relevant that my husband and I actually got pregnant within 2 years of getting married and within 4 years of beginning our relationship. So my frustration with my family was that they wanted a honeymoon baby and I wanted a little married life before kids. I basically got home from the honeymoon and the henpecking started. Little did I know that I actually couldn't have gotten pregnant at that time. I only learned about the fertility issues after trying for a while (cuz that is how it works).

I am just reminded of the thread on here a few weeks ago where a person without kids asked about people being hostile to people who don't want kids. I am not hostile but I just wonder if they have made a choice--it is normal to wonder. They have been together a long time and they aren't getting any younger.

As I said, I won't ask and whoever said if I have to ask if it is ok, then it probably isn't, is right.

If the in-laws are expecting you to hang onto all of your old baby stuff (crib, clothes, bouncy chairs, high chair, etc) just in case these two decide to become parents some day...well, that's BS. You don't have to do that for them. Do save (or give back) special family items like Grandpa's silver baby spoon or hand knitted clothes, etc. But your house is not a warehouse.

I think it would be fine to say - "We're seriously running out of space in our house and we need to get rid of some these baby items. If anyone would like them, please feel free to come by and get them. Otherwise, they will be going out for the yard sale."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I won't ask. But when I said I finally had to say "we are trying", I think it is relevant that my husband and I actually got pregnant within 2 years of getting married and within 4 years of beginning our relationship. So my frustration with my family was that they wanted a honeymoon baby and I wanted a little married life before kids. I basically got home from the honeymoon and the henpecking started. Little did I know that I actually couldn't have gotten pregnant at that time. I only learned about the fertility issues after trying for a while (cuz that is how it works).

I am just reminded of the thread on here a few weeks ago where a person without kids asked about people being hostile to people who don't want kids. I am not hostile but I just wonder if they have made a choice--it is normal to wonder. They have been together a long time and they aren't getting any younger.

As I said, I won't ask and whoever said if I have to ask if it is ok, then it probably isn't, is right.

So why in the hell would you even think of asking them?

You are a dolt. They have been together for a decade! Living together for a decade. My husband and I started living together after we got engaged. On our wedding day we had been living together 6 months. Wanted some time for fun and travel. I think there is huge difference between 6 months and 10 years.

NP here. Omg, OP, you are the definition of a self-centered asshole. "SIL is not acting exactly the way I did!!! She owes me an explanation!!! It's so unfair that she won't tell me WHY WHY WHY she is acting like this! We're all wondering and therefore we are entitled to this information! It's an elephant in the room, not in my mind, because I can't stop thinking about it! Me me me!!!"

For fuck's sake. The status of her womb and her plans for it have NOTHING to do with you. If she or your brother wanted your baby shit, they would have asked you to save it. They don't. If they ever have a baby, they'll buy their own shit. You are not entitled to an update on their decision making or their thought processes. You don't know what the state of their marriage is, whether there have been problems, whether any of them have health issues, whether either of them is struggling emotionally, or whether their goals in like have changed and they don't OWE you this information! So stop being miffed.

Your family sounds like they have serious boundary issues and are incredibly enmeshed and inconsiderate. I feel bad for your SIL. I'm glad you say you won't bring this up but for fuck's sake get a life and start thinking about something else. So she likes cuddling babies. Most people do. Your vacation need not be affected in any way if she cuddles a baby in front of you and then does not choose to begin a discussion about her reproductive choices.

[Anonymous]

Thank goodness I'm not in OPs family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't mind someone asking me if it was in a small/intimate kind of settling and as long as I wasn't pestered everytime we met.

Same here. This isn't something you bring up over a big family dinner, but if you ask from a place of concern and love in a private moment, I don't think it is wrong.

No, it's not your business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:thanks. I won't ask.
But here are some background details. I had fertility issues and it was openly discussed. Although they have had several children, my other sibling had fertility issues and it was openly discussed. Thus, in our family, the topic has not been hush hush. In a way, I guess, I feel like if fertility is an issue, acting like it isn't is a little odd. But it is a personal choice to talk about it and they may be keeping it private.
It is an elephant in the room because for so long they have talked about and made decisions that reflect a longterm desire to have kids coupled with a short term desire to continue having fun (party lifestyle). As the years go by, the party time has continued and the talk about kids has virtual stopped. But since they always said they wanted them, it seems appropriate to assume they still do. But maybe they don't. FWIW, no one asks so they aren't pestered. Perhaps parents ask but with me it was relentless from parents, aunts, siblings until I finally said "we are trying!"

First of all, just because you were open about fertility and your other sibling was open about fertility doesn't mean your inlaw is open about discussing her body. Period.

Some people are open about health issues and openly discuss them. It doesn't mean that other family members, relatives, and inlaws feel comfortable openly discussing their health issues.

If it is a "fertility issue," there's nothing odd about not wanting to talk about it, especially on vacations! People go on vacations to RELAX.

Your second paragraph is FILLED with judgement. It is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. Maybe they made decisions that left the door open to have kids because they were not sure if they wanted them or not. Maybe they still aren't sure. Maybe they want the possibility left open but they're leaning heavily toward not having kids.

Again, NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.

Why does it matter to you? It sounds like you just want to judge them. Or you want to lecture them.

I am a deeply private person when it comes to my body, my marriage, and the decision to have kids. My husband and I have always been on the fence about kids, so we made decisions (purchasing a house, where to live) that left that possibility open in case we decided to move forward. Then we gave it a shot (still were on the fence) but had a couple of miscarriages. We were upset about the miscarriages, but over time have decided that we don't really want to have children.

I have NO desire to discuss any of this with inlaws or siblings. I don't need to hear their opinion about whether they think we should or should not have kids or what they think about miscarriages or about fertility specialists or any of that. If any of my siblings or inlaws EVER ask me about it, I will firmly tell them it is none of their business. Period. And if there is any hint of judgement when they ask, then I will distance myself from them because the last thing I need or want in my life is some judgy know-it-all relative/inlaw trying to tell me what they think I want or that "motherhood is the best thing ever, why wouldn't you want to do it?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Been with my DH for 7 years and no kids yet. I don't mind at all when asked. I'm actually excited to talk about the future. It doesn't have to be a big deal.

But I bet you haven't been silent on the subject for 10 years. My SIL talks about her future kids all the time, which is a signal that it's a fine conversation with her. If she didn't mention it for years, that would be a different signal.

So maybe she has fertility issues. Maybe she actually can't have children but she doesn't want to come to terms with that reality because it is too heartbreaking.

Maybe she likes the idea of children and even likes children, but she really doesn't want her own -- she just likes the idea of it.

WTF business is it of yours!

Don't save your crap. Chances are, if she does have a kid, she'll want new stuff anyway.

You seem completely insufferable. If I were your SIL, I wouldn't be confiding in you either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I won't ask. But when I said I finally had to say "we are trying", I think it is relevant that my husband and I actually got pregnant within 2 years of getting married and within 4 years of beginning our relationship. So my frustration with my family was that they wanted a honeymoon baby and I wanted a little married life before kids. I basically got home from the honeymoon and the henpecking started. Little did I know that I actually couldn't have gotten pregnant at that time. I only learned about the fertility issues after trying for a while (cuz that is how it works).

I am just reminded of the thread on here a few weeks ago where a person without kids asked about people being hostile to people who don't want kids. I am not hostile but I just wonder if they have made a choice--it is normal to wonder. They have been together a long time and they aren't getting any younger.

As I said, I won't ask and whoever said if I have to ask if it is ok, then it probably isn't, is right.

They might be trying, and it isn't working. Most people wouldn't want to share that. So, don't ask, and don't chat about it with your family members.