Asking sibling and in law if they are planning to have kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Apparently reading comprehension is an issue. I said I will NOT ask.

I do think that it is weird, though. And i don't care if it isn't my business. I am allowed to think it is weird. I am also allowed start assuming they aren't having kids. Everyone else assumes they are and wants me to save crap for them and i have been. Done. You are all right. It is none of my business so I won't save stuff.

I totally get it and apparently some of you are SUPER bothered by me asking the question. But, notwithstanding PPs comments, it is an elephant in the room if NO ONE is allowed to ask about it. That is actually exactly what an elephant in the room is. Something that everyone knows is there but no one will discuss. They have been together a decade, they have been married over 4, they are apparently healthy, have good jobs. She is 35! What is next? Since they said they want kids, isn't that next? Right???? So the fact that no one asks is because it is an elephant in the room--and it is awkward!! And the way she snuggles up on the latest baby makes it seem even more appropriate to ask. But no on does. Elephant is NOT in my head!

Again you are assuming having children = fulfilment.

DH and I have been together over 10 years. I'm 39 this year. We both have good jobs. We are settled, healthy, and happy.


There will be no children.

But you know what I tell nosy, rude, cruel, prying people who judge me by the fact that I have not borne children? I give them the someday shit because it gets them off my back and out of my uterus. Because it is easier to say someday vs. getting into the very personal decisions and conditions that revolve around childbearing.

So whatever will they do?

Perhaps they will have children.
Perhaps they will travel.
Perhaps they will maintain the status quo.
Perhaps they will sell all their posessions and move to a remote city in Equador.
Perhaps they will buy motorcycles and travel to Alaska.
Perhaps they will buy a dog.

But no matter what, it is none of your business judging them by the ruler by which you measure your own life and worth.

And if you were to throw your elephant in my lap, I can guarantee it would not be there long.

You know what. You are the poster child for the sensitive child free person. I absolutely agree that having kids does not mean fulfillment. I have never in all the previous postings made any mention of a life without children being unfulfilling. That is all in your head.

In fact, I was getting old enough that I was considering it is a real possibility and then I had the fertility issues and that reality was even more likely. I had a very full life before kids. I think they love their life. They have a blast and actually, that is one of the reasons I have begun to think they don't plan to have any. They don't seem to be anxious for kids of their own. And that is totally ok. But I still won't ask.

I am sensitive, because I am one of the few who are not child free by choice OR fertility. My spouse doesn't want children, and didn't decide that till later. I've made the decision that I can live with it, but it is NOT one that I embrace with joy, rainbows, and puppies.

And every time so one like you decides that it's your business to get in my child rearing business, it stabs like a knife. But I Will NOT get into my personal affairs wi DHs family, friends who are nosy enough to ask, strangers, bosses, co-workers etc.

There aRe lots of reasons that people don't have kids, and it is endlessly frustrating to come up against people who think that everything follows a natural progression or narrative. Some couples are infertile. Some choose to not have children. Some, like us, are divided. I don't post my life on twitter, or Facebook, or anywhere so I don't advertise the reasons. It's no ones business, and it is terribly hurtful when someone tries to pry into a very sore subject.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Apparently reading comprehension is an issue. I said I will NOT ask.

I do think that it is weird, though. And i don't care if it isn't my business. I am allowed to think it is weird. I am also allowed start assuming they aren't having kids. Everyone else assumes they are and wants me to save crap for them and i have been. Done. You are all right. It is none of my business so I won't save stuff.

I totally get it and apparently some of you are SUPER bothered by me asking the question. But, notwithstanding PPs comments, it is an elephant in the room if NO ONE is allowed to ask about it. That is actually exactly what an elephant in the room is. Something that everyone knows is there but no one will discuss. They have been together a decade, they have been married over 4, they are apparently healthy, have good jobs. She is 35! What is next? Since they said they want kids, isn't that next? Right???? So the fact that no one asks is because it is an elephant in the room--and it is awkward!! And the way she snuggles up on the latest baby makes it seem even more appropriate to ask. But no on does. Elephant is NOT in my head!

Again you are assuming having children = fulfilment.

DH and I have been together over 10 years. I'm 39 this year. We both have good jobs. We are settled, healthy, and happy.

I am sorry that you had to make such a tough decision. It took me a long time to find a great guy and I am not sure what I would have done if he had decided he didn't want children or had later decided he didn't. I think that your post has given me something to ponder. I think --and most people do I think-- that couples decide what they want to do with children and agree on the topic. You are an example of what happens when that isn't true. Maybe that is what is going on. I don't know if I will ever know but the possibility that they are divided on the topic makes it especially delicate to discuss. I truly hadn't considered that possibility. And I really appreciate your frank honesty and am really sorry that I have opened up a sore and painful subject.


There will be no children.

But you know what I tell nosy, rude, cruel, prying people who judge me by the fact that I have not borne children? I give them the someday shit because it gets them off my back and out of my uterus. Because it is easier to say someday vs. getting into the very personal decisions and conditions that revolve around childbearing.

So whatever will they do?

Perhaps they will have children.
Perhaps they will travel.
Perhaps they will maintain the status quo.
Perhaps they will sell all their posessions and move to a remote city in Equador.
Perhaps they will buy motorcycles and travel to Alaska.
Perhaps they will buy a dog.

But no matter what, it is none of your business judging them by the ruler by which you measure your own life and worth.

And if you were to throw your elephant in my lap, I can guarantee it would not be there long.

You know what. You are the poster child for the sensitive child free person. I absolutely agree that having kids does not mean fulfillment. I have never in all the previous postings made any mention of a life without children being unfulfilling. That is all in your head.

In fact, I was getting old enough that I was considering it is a real possibility and then I had the fertility issues and that reality was even more likely. I had a very full life before kids. I think they love their life. They have a blast and actually, that is one of the reasons I have begun to think they don't plan to have any. They don't seem to be anxious for kids of their own. And that is totally ok. But I still won't ask.

I am sensitive, because I am one of the few who are not child free by choice OR fertility. My spouse doesn't want children, and didn't decide that till later. I've made the decision that I can live with it, but it is NOT one that I embrace with joy, rainbows, and puppies.

And every time so one like you decides that it's your business to get in my child rearing business, it stabs like a knife. But I Will NOT get into my personal affairs wi DHs family, friends who are nosy enough to ask, strangers, bosses, co-workers etc.

There aRe lots of reasons that people don't have kids, and it is endlessly frustrating to come up against people who think that everything follows a natural progression or narrative. Some couples are infertile. Some choose to not have children. Some, like us, are divided. I don't post my life on twitter, or Facebook, or anywhere so I don't advertise the reasons. It's no ones business, and it is terribly hurtful when someone tries to pry into a very sore subject.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Apparently reading comprehension is an issue. I said I will NOT ask.

I do think that it is weird, though. And i don't care if it isn't my business. I am allowed to think it is weird. I am also allowed start assuming they aren't having kids. Everyone else assumes they are and wants me to save crap for them and i have been. Done. You are all right. It is none of my business so I won't save stuff.

I totally get it and apparently some of you are SUPER bothered by me asking the question. But, notwithstanding PPs comments, it is an elephant in the room if NO ONE is allowed to ask about it. That is actually exactly what an elephant in the room is. Something that everyone knows is there but no one will discuss. They have been together a decade, they have been married over 4, they are apparently healthy, have good jobs. She is 35! What is next? Since they said they want kids, isn't that next? Right???? So the fact that no one asks is because it is an elephant in the room--and it is awkward!! And the way she snuggles up on the latest baby makes it seem even more appropriate to ask. But no on does. Elephant is NOT in my head!

Again you are assuming having children = fulfilment.

DH and I have been together over 10 years. I'm 39 this year. We both have good jobs. We are settled, healthy, and happy.

I am sorry that you had to make such a tough decision. It took me a long time to find a great guy and I am not sure what I would have done if he had decided he didn't want children or had later decided he didn't. I think that your post has given me something to ponder. I think --and most people do I think-- that couples decide what they want to do with children and agree on the topic. You are an example of what happens when that isn't true. Maybe that is what is going on. I don't know if I will ever know but the possibility that they are divided on the topic makes it especially delicate to discuss. I truly hadn't considered that possibility. And I really appreciate your frank honesty and am really sorry that I have opened up a sore and painful subject.


There will be no children.

But you know what I tell nosy, rude, cruel, prying people who judge me by the fact that I have not borne children? I give them the someday shit because it gets them off my back and out of my uterus. Because it is easier to say someday vs. getting into the very personal decisions and conditions that revolve around childbearing.

So whatever will they do?

Perhaps they will have children.
Perhaps they will travel.
Perhaps they will maintain the status quo.
Perhaps they will sell all their posessions and move to a remote city in Equador.
Perhaps they will buy motorcycles and travel to Alaska.
Perhaps they will buy a dog.

But no matter what, it is none of your business judging them by the ruler by which you measure your own life and worth.

And if you were to throw your elephant in my lap, I can guarantee it would not be there long.

You know what. You are the poster child for the sensitive child free person. I absolutely agree that having kids does not mean fulfillment. I have never in all the previous postings made any mention of a life without children being unfulfilling. That is all in your head.

In fact, I was getting old enough that I was considering it is a real possibility and then I had the fertility issues and that reality was even more likely. I had a very full life before kids. I think they love their life. They have a blast and actually, that is one of the reasons I have begun to think they don't plan to have any. They don't seem to be anxious for kids of their own. And that is totally ok. But I still won't ask.

I am sensitive, because I am one of the few who are not child free by choice OR fertility. My spouse doesn't want children, and didn't decide that till later. I've made the decision that I can live with it, but it is NOT one that I embrace with joy, rainbows, and puppies.

And every time so one like you decides that it's your business to get in my child rearing business, it stabs like a knife. But I Will NOT get into my personal affairs wi DHs family, friends who are nosy enough to ask, strangers, bosses, co-workers etc.

There aRe lots of reasons that people don't have kids, and it is endlessly frustrating to come up against people who think that everything follows a natural progression or narrative. Some couples are infertile. Some choose to not have children. Some, like us, are divided. I don't post my life on twitter, or Facebook, or anywhere so I don't advertise the reasons. It's no ones business, and it is terribly hurtful when someone tries to pry into a very sore subject.

I am sorry that you had to make such a tough decision. It took me a long time to find a great guy and I am not sure what I would have done if i had been in your position. You have given me a new perspective. I never considered that they might be on different pages about having kids. That would make it especially delicate to discuss. I really appreciate your frankness and I am sorry for opening and reopening a topic that is painful but I have gained something from your perspective and I thank you for that.

[Anonymous]

WTFUQQQQQQQQQQQQQQ??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Apparently reading comprehension is an issue. I said I will NOT ask.

I do think that it is weird, though. And i don't care if it isn't my business. I am allowed to think it is weird. I am also allowed start assuming they aren't having kids. Everyone else assumes they are and wants me to save crap for them and i have been. Done. You are all right. It is none of my business so I won't save stuff.

I totally get it and apparently some of you are SUPER bothered by me asking the question. But, notwithstanding PPs comments, it is an elephant in the room if NO ONE is allowed to ask about it. That is actually exactly what an elephant in the room is. Something that everyone knows is there but no one will discuss. They have been together a decade, they have been married over 4, they are apparently healthy, have good jobs. She is 35! What is next? Since they said they want kids, isn't that next? Right???? So the fact that no one asks is because it is an elephant in the room--and it is awkward!! And the way she snuggles up on the latest baby makes it seem even more appropriate to ask. But no on does. Elephant is NOT in my head!

There is nothing weird about the fact that they do not have children. Your sense of entitlement to information about their family plans is weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:thanks. I won't ask.
But here are some background details. I had fertility issues and it was openly discussed. Although they have had several children, my other sibling had fertility issues and it was openly discussed. Thus, in our family, the topic has not been hush hush. In a way, I guess, I feel like if fertility is an issue, acting like it isn't is a little odd. But it is a personal choice to talk about it and they may be keeping it private.
It is an elephant in the room because for so long they have talked about and made decisions that reflect a longterm desire to have kids coupled with a short term desire to continue having fun (party lifestyle). As the years go by, the party time has continued and the talk about kids has virtual stopped. But since they always said they wanted them, it seems appropriate to assume they still do. But maybe they don't. FWIW, no one asks so they aren't pestered. Perhaps parents ask but with me it was relentless from parents, aunts, siblings until I finally said "we are trying!"

Again, it is asked: Why is it any of your business????
This is one of the oddest, weirdest things I have read on DCUM!!
Why is it any of your business whether they have kids?
WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY??????????????????????????????????

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:thanks. I won't ask.
But here are some background details. I had fertility issues and it was openly discussed. Although they have had several children, my other sibling had fertility issues and it was openly discussed. Thus, in our family, the topic has not been hush hush. In a way, I guess, I feel like if fertility is an issue, acting like it isn't is a little odd. But it is a personal choice to talk about it and they may be keeping it private.
It is an elephant in the room because for so long they have talked about and made decisions that reflect a longterm desire to have kids coupled with a short term desire to continue having fun (party lifestyle). As the years go by, the party time has continued and the talk about kids has virtual stopped. But since they always said they wanted them, it seems appropriate to assume they still do. But maybe they don't. FWIW, no one asks so they aren't pestered. Perhaps parents ask but with me it was relentless from parents, aunts, siblings until I finally said "we are trying!"

Again, it is asked: Why is it any of your business????
This is one of the oddest, weirdest things I have read on DCUM!!
Why is it any of your business whether they have kids?
WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY??????????????????????????????????

You know, it would not surprise me at all if this is the same poster who was all butthurt that her brother didn't tell her he was planning to leave his wife before it happened.

[Anonymous]

OP comes off as incredibly weird to me. I can't imagine obsessing over someone else's life this much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Apparently reading comprehension is an issue. I said I will NOT ask.

I do think that it is weird, though. And i don't care if it isn't my business. I am allowed to think it is weird. I am also allowed start assuming they aren't having kids. Everyone else assumes they are and wants me to save crap for them and i have been. Done. You are all right. It is none of my business so I won't save stuff.

I totally get it and apparently some of you are SUPER bothered by me asking the question. But, notwithstanding PPs comments, it is an elephant in the room if NO ONE is allowed to ask about it. That is actually exactly what an elephant in the room is. Something that everyone knows is there but no one will discuss. They have been together a decade, they have been married over 4, they are apparently healthy, have good jobs. She is 35! What is next? Since they said they want kids, isn't that next? Right???? So the fact that no one asks is because it is an elephant in the room--and it is awkward!! And the way she snuggles up on the latest baby makes it seem even more appropriate to ask. But no on does. Elephant is NOT in my head!

The elephant in the room is that no one talks about the fact that you are unhinged. Please understand that another person/couple's family size/fertility/family planning/medical issues is not fodder for public discussion and is NOT your right to know that which others do not fully and freely disclose. Honest to goodness I cannot imagine what would make a person think that this is something that you HAVE to know. Mind your damn business.

[Anonymous]

The ONLY person who gave me a legitimate response is the person who isn't having children because she and her spouse cannot agree. The rest of you are just yelling at me. I asked for input. I explained my reasons for want to know if it is ok to ask. A lot of you are just super nasty mean spirited people.

[Anonymous]

I don't know why so many people get all overexcited about this. I completely understand why members OF A FAMILY would want to know if others IN THEIR FAMILY were interested in having children. Sometimes I read these posts and wonder WTH is wrong with so many families that they feel they should never be intimate and caring with one another (and I do feel sorry for those who can't). OP, a lot of these poor unfortunates are either just very f*cked up, or overly insecure in that awesome DC way that comes out as complete aggressiveness. There's nothing wrong with you wondering about your family members as long as it comes from a place of genuine caring and not just gossipy nosiness, and I for one I saw no evidence in your post that it was the latter, so don't feel bad.

"I am sensitive, because I am one of the few who are not child free by choice OR fertility. My spouse doesn't want children, and didn't decide that till later. I've made the decision that I can live with it, but it is NOT one that I embrace with joy, rainbows, and puppies."

PP, you are in fact child free by choice. You have chosen to stay with your spouse over having children. There is nothing at all wrong with that, and I'm sorry you had to make it, and it was undoubtedly a very, very tough choice where no matter which choice was made it was going to be a lesser of two evils - but it WAS a choice and you have made it and should own it. It is not fair to wave that around like a giant blunt axe at the rest of the world because YOU are still bitter about it. Everybody else is not going to automatically know about your special secret snowflake trigger and you shouldn't be taking it out on those who don't.

I have personally suffered many years of infertility and extensive IVF treatments and never thought it right or appropriate to tear a new one into innocent people who asked, unknowingly, if we were going to have children. Yes, if people harp and harp on it, that's a different issue. But a simple well-meant question about something that is a very common experience in human society is not a reason for unleashed rage, Jesus.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know why so many people get all overexcited about this. I completely understand why members OF A FAMILY would want to know if others IN THEIR FAMILY were interested in having children. Sometimes I read these posts and wonder WTH is wrong with so many families that they feel they should never be intimate and caring with one another (and I do feel sorry for those who can't). OP, a lot of these poor unfortunates are either just very f*cked up, or overly insecure in that awesome DC way that comes out as complete aggressiveness. There's nothing wrong with you wondering about your family members as long as it comes from a place of genuine caring and not just gossipy nosiness, and I for one I saw no evidence in your post that it was the latter, so don't feel bad.

"I am sensitive, because I am one of the few who are not child free by choice OR fertility. My spouse doesn't want children, and didn't decide that till later. I've made the decision that I can live with it, but it is NOT one that I embrace with joy, rainbows, and puppies."

PP, you are in fact child free by choice. You have chosen to stay with your spouse over having children. There is nothing at all wrong with that, and I'm sorry you had to make it, and it was undoubtedly a very, very tough choice where no matter which choice was made it was going to be a lesser of two evils - but it WAS a choice and you have made it and should own it. It is not fair to wave that around like a giant blunt axe at the rest of the world because YOU are still bitter about it. Everybody else is not going to automatically know about your special secret snowflake trigger and you shouldn't be taking it out on those who don't.

I have personally suffered many years of infertility and extensive IVF treatments and never thought it right or appropriate to tear a new one into innocent people who asked, unknowingly, if we were going to have children. Yes, if people harp and harp on it, that's a different issue. But a simple well-meant question about something that is a very common experience in human society is not a reason for unleashed rage, Jesus.

You're not doing a good job at sock puppeting. Too obvious.

[Anonymous]

OP, you seem unable to fathom that they may not want kids or have changed their minds. Which seems judgey. And you said they have actually said they want kids, so why would you ask?

[Anonymous]

Do not ask. I've been married 5 years and don't have kids. Not because I don't want them but because I can't. We are actively doing ivf but family doesn't know. It's no ones business.

[Anonymous]

Their status as parents has really, nothing to do with you. So you find it weird. Oh well.

My cousin will not be having children. Absolutely no bones about it.. she lets people know. But if she didn't I wouldn't ask. I'm not sure it would even occur to me to ask.

Another cousin went through years of IVF (and went on to have twins btw) and were very open about it, their choice.

Your family members have chosen not to announce/discuss what their plans are. It isn't weird.