Asking sibling and in law if they are planning to have kids

[Anonymous]

Is this rude? By way of background, one sibling did and has had several children. Married spouse soon after meeting and first baby came a year after marriage. 3 more followed. So there is no need to ask them. With me and my spouse, we were a little older, got married about 2 years after meeting, got pregnant within 2 years. I am a woman and my parents and siblings asked me right away. Other sibling and spouse have been together as a couple longer than any of us (more than a decade), have been married 4 years, and haven't had kids. Is it ok to ask if they want to have them? At this point, it doesn't seem like it. No signs of "trying" either such as not drinking, losing weight, etc.

I know some will say I should butt out. Fine but we are about to embark on a long family vacation with everyone there and it is kind of the elephant in the room. Everyone felt ok asking me. So is the rule somehow different when the object of the inquiry is an in-law?

[Anonymous]

Why is it any of your business? Why the burning desire to know? I don't understand about the vacation.

I guess really though, it depends on your relationship with your sibling. I wouldn't bat an eye if my siblings asked me that question.

[Anonymous]

Don't do it. Don't. Do. It.

If they're going to have kids, they're going to have kids.

If they're struggling with infertility, why rub salt in the wound?

If they don't want kids, they don't want them, and they'll tell you if they want to.

If they are undecided, then they don't know.

You say it's an elephant in the room, but why and how does it impact you? It doesn't. So don't ask.

[Anonymous]

It's rude, don't ask.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't mind someone asking me if it was in a small/intimate kind of settling and as long as I wasn't pestered everytime we met.

[Anonymous]

My SIL does not want kids and this has come through the substantiated grapevine.

I have never asked her.

I have, however, heard her say in in uncertain terms that if any family member asks her in the future, she will give them a piece of her mind about how intrusive, personal, and offensive that type of questioning is. To her, it's a deeply personal thing that she is firm about but unwilling to discuss with anyone. I would probably guess most people, myself included until recently, do not expect this type of response from her as she is generally soft spoken. So I guess if you're up for that type of response, go for it?

[Anonymous]

Why is it the elephant in the room?

[Anonymous]

They obviously aren't trying to talk about it because they haven't. Leave them alone. What's it to you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is it the elephant in the room?

This. Why does it impact you in any way?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is it the elephant in the room?

+1

[Anonymous]

thanks. I won't ask.
But here are some background details. I had fertility issues and it was openly discussed. Although they have had several children, my other sibling had fertility issues and it was openly discussed. Thus, in our family, the topic has not been hush hush. In a way, I guess, I feel like if fertility is an issue, acting like it isn't is a little odd. But it is a personal choice to talk about it and they may be keeping it private.
It is an elephant in the room because for so long they have talked about and made decisions that reflect a longterm desire to have kids coupled with a short term desire to continue having fun (party lifestyle). As the years go by, the party time has continued and the talk about kids has virtual stopped. But since they always said they wanted them, it seems appropriate to assume they still do. But maybe they don't. FWIW, no one asks so they aren't pestered. Perhaps parents ask but with me it was relentless from parents, aunts, siblings until I finally said "we are trying!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this rude? By way of background, one sibling did and has had several children. Married spouse soon after meeting and first baby came a year after marriage. 3 more followed. So there is no need to ask them. With me and my spouse, we were a little older, got married about 2 years after meeting, got pregnant within 2 years. I am a woman and my parents and siblings asked me right away. Other sibling and spouse have been together as a couple longer than any of us (more than a decade), have been married 4 years, and haven't had kids. Is it ok to ask if they want to have them? At this point, it doesn't seem like it. No signs of "trying" either such as not drinking, losing weight, etc.

I know some will say I should butt out. Fine but we are about to embark on a long family vacation with everyone there and it is kind of the elephant in the room. Everyone felt ok asking me. So is the rule somehow different when the object of the inquiry is an in-law?

I'm really not understanding what the family vacation has to do with anything. Does not having children mean that the don't get the sparkly "members only" pin that allows them to participate? Were you going to ask her during the trip if she would like to be a surrogate for you?

It is NOT an elephant in the room. It is an elephant in your head. Elephants are endangered, set it free.

A woman's womb is her business. And her husbands is she is agreeable to allowing that. PERIOD.

BUTT OUT. seriously.

(Yeah, struck a nerve. But it still comes back as none of your beeswax. EVER.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:thanks. I won't ask.
But here are some background details. I had fertility issues and it was openly discussed. Although they have had several children, my other sibling had fertility issues and it was openly discussed. Thus, in our family, the topic has not been hush hush. In a way, I guess, I feel like if fertility is an issue, acting like it isn't is a little odd. But it is a personal choice to talk about it and they may be keeping it private.
It is an elephant in the room because for so long they have talked about and made decisions that reflect a longterm desire to have kids coupled with a short term desire to continue having fun (party lifestyle). As the years go by, the party time has continued and the talk about kids has virtual stopped. But since they always said they wanted them, it seems appropriate to assume they still do. But maybe they don't. FWIW, no one asks so they aren't pestered. Perhaps parents ask but with me it was relentless from parents, aunts, siblings until I finally said "we are trying!"

Two things. First, For whatever reason, you and your other sibling chose to discuss it openly. This particular couple has not. Different scenario. Second, if you had to finally say you are trying, you should know how annoying this is!

[Anonymous]

If you have to ask it it's OK, the answer is probably just don't.

That said, if there are questions regarding potential guardianship of your kids, then I think it is absolutely OK to broach the topic from that point as long as you're clear that's why you are asking the questions.

[Anonymous]

I am sympathetic because I have 2 siblings who never had kids and i always wanted to talk to them about it but I never did. They might feel pain and you would not want to be the cause of that.