Need motivation to lose 30 pounds - for my own sake and that of my marriage

[Anonymous]

I'm just going to say that I think your husband is an asshole. Anyone who goes around fat-hating coworkers and random people is an asshole, period. I am sorry you are married to an asshole.

It must feel really toxic to be in a relationship with such a hateful asshole, who directs his hate at fat people, and then feel fat yourself, knowing that on some level your jerk husband must be disgusted with you.

But that is not on YOU. You sound like a lovely, decent person. You are working hard and taking care of three children. You are exhausted. Sometimes you snack to cope with stress or boredom. (I suspect you may snack at night because it feels lonely to be in a marriage with a guy who is kind of a jerk. I'm sorry. Loneliness sucks.)

I wish you could love yourself more and see what a wonderful person you are. If you can make time in your day to start doing some yoga, you may feel increased connection to your body, and that increased connection might feed your love of yourself, which may inspire you to move more and nourish yourself with good food and good friends and lots of laughter.

Maybe your body shape will change, and maybe it won't. But you are beautiful RIGHT NOW, and you are worthy of love right now. You do not need to punish yourself. You do need to embrace and be kind to yourself. You may find that you feel better if you exercise; if that's true, I hope you do.

If your body shape does change, and your husband finds you more attractive, I hope you will keep in mind that his hatred of fat people is still a problem. He will teach your children to hate fat people. What if one of them goes through a chubby phase, as is normal for some adolescents before a growth spurt? If she has heard her dad spouting fat hate her whole life, this could permanently damage her and her relationship with her body. Please do not dismiss his toxicity as your failing. He is the unhealthy one, not you.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Your DH needs to get over his prejudice against those who are not thin. My DH is the same way, and I have told him he needs to zip it. It is not a good message for kids to hear.

But on to the nuts and bolts of getting you healthier...

I did a year or so in therapy. A lot of it focused on my communicating my feelings better and taking care of myself so that I would be better able to take care of those around me. In theory I always knew that, but putting it into practice isn't easy once you are a parent. At the end of that year, I was more motivated to take care of ME by exercising. That happened to coincide with my DD joining Girls on the Run and I signed up to be her "buddy runner" and started training for a 5K.

Three days a week I get up at 5:30 and run with the dogs. I was never a runner before, always managed to injure myself--usually a twisted ankle, sometimes a painful knee--within two weeks of trying to run. This time I did a Couch to 5K program, using an app on my phone. It clicked. I even took running shoes with me over Christmas.

Agree with the tip to not buy anything that isn't healthful and the whole family really needs to have healthful meals. If there is a need(?) for less healthful snacks in the house, make them ones you don't like.

Brush your teeth after every meal and snack. It really does cut back on the mindless eating.

Make herbal tea your evening treat / ritual after the kids go to bed.

Focus on your health and setting a positive example of activity and healthful choices for your kids. Do not focus on the scale or the size of your jeans, but on what your body can do, how good it feels to move and enjoy the world, and that good choices now will help keep you around to see your kids grow up.

hugs to you and good luck!

[Anonymous]

For some reason, I always start getting back in shape when I give up and buy clothes that fit. It's as if there's one less source of shame.

That said, your husband is an ass. If you want to get in better shape, that's fine. He needs a personality transplant.

[Anonymous]

The night snacking is my weakness too. I've started flossing and brushing immediately after a small dinner, because there's no way I'm going to floss and brush again. Also, for me, the key is to eat very little in the evening. For some reason, if I go to bed a bit hungry at night, I lost weight.

[Anonymous]

I don't get the hate for OP's husband. I'm a woman and fat is a big turnoff for me. I don't discriminate against anyone, and I wouldn't say anything rude about or to someone, but I don't like it, and work really hard to stay in shape. My husband is fat because he eats and drinks too much, period. It ticks me off because I work hard to keep myself in shape for my health and also for my husband, but he isn't willing to do the same for me. And I can tell you, the extra weight is a turn off. It just is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't get the hate for OP's husband. I'm a woman and fat is a big turnoff for me. I don't discriminate against anyone, and I wouldn't say anything rude about or to someone, but I don't like it, and work really hard to stay in shape. My husband is fat because he eats and drinks too much, period. It ticks me off because I work hard to keep myself in shape for my health and also for my husband, but he isn't willing to do the same for me. And I can tell you, the extra weight is a turn off. It just is.

It's a turnoff for you. It is not for me. It's not for everybody. OP says her husband is quick to point out when other people are fat. He is criticizing other people whose attractiveness is irrelevant.

Your husband is not an immoral or bad person; you just don't share the same priorities. Do you know that he is actually unhealthy? Sounds like you are bitter that you focus on your appearance and he does not. That doesn't make you a better person; it just means you have different values or priorities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't get the hate for OP's husband. I'm a woman and fat is a big turnoff for me. I don't discriminate against anyone, and I wouldn't say anything rude about or to someone, but I don't like it, and work really hard to stay in shape. My husband is fat because he eats and drinks too much, period. It ticks me off because I work hard to keep myself in shape for my health and also for my husband, but he isn't willing to do the same for me. And I can tell you, the extra weight is a turn off. It just is.

Do you snipe about fat colleagues or fat neighbors? Do you make cutting remarks about fat people in order to shame your husband? Do you teach your kids to look down on fat people? If so, then you also are a jerk. It's okay to not be attracted to fat people, but being rude is never okay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't get the hate for OP's husband. I'm a woman and fat is a big turnoff for me. I don't discriminate against anyone, and I wouldn't say anything rude about or to someone, but I don't like it, and work really hard to stay in shape. My husband is fat because he eats and drinks too much, period. It ticks me off because I work hard to keep myself in shape for my health and also for my husband, but he isn't willing to do the same for me. And I can tell you, the extra weight is a turn off. It just is.

Do you snipe about fat colleagues or fat neighbors? Do you make cutting remarks about fat people in order to shame your husband? Do you teach your kids to look down on fat people? If so, then you also are a jerk. It's okay to not be attracted to fat people, but being rude is never okay.

+1 Also, do you get drunk and then tell your spouse you are embarassed by their weight? Hopefully not because that is unnecessarily hurtful, which OP's husband was.

[Anonymous]

Diet is more important than exercise, so start there to get the worst of the weight off as quickly as possibly. By all means work out if you can, but if you can't, don't let that be your excuse. Number one, make meal plans and stick to them. Having your food planned out in black and white can really help give you structure, esp when you're bored or get the munchies. Low carb, low fat, low calorie, and HIGH PROTEIN will get you the fastest results.

I don't agree with PPs who said you have a marriage problem. All marriages have some problems, but your DH sounds like a good guy overall, and you even say so. OK, he got drunk, you called him on it, and called you out right back. You both had a valid point. Yes, it was hurtful, but you know deep down he's right so work on it and move on. Good husbands don't grow on trees. Hopefully he'll reciprocate your weight loss efforts with staying sober at the next BBQ, too!

[Anonymous]

I'm not coming at this from a smug skinny person's point of view, being neither smug nor skinny. However, I really disagree with a lot of these posters who are attacking the DH. Yes, he was drunk and tactless and it was a mean thing to say. But otherwise he sounds solid. His previous comments about neighbors and coworkers were understood even by the OP to be less about randomly bashing acquaintances and more about alerting her to his discomfort about his wife's weight in an indirect way.

There seems to be a lot of defensiveness and enabling going on here by other overweight people. That won't help the OP. Misery loves company, OP - if you feel better thin and you want to work on this part of your marriage, do it, and don't let the enablers drag you down with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

My DH is not necessarily super good looking, but he is thin and fit. Although he's never before criticized my weight directly, he's always quick to point out when someone he works with is "fat," or when one of our neighbors is "fat." I always fully understood his not-so-subtle hints.

Aside from my weight, my life appears to be pretty well together. I have a good career (make slightly more than DH once you include bonus, profit-sharing and stock). (I could support the kids and me if needed.) The kids are healthy and, for the most part, seem pretty well-adjusted. I fake my way at appearing content with everything in life.

My initial reaction upon hearing his comment was not even to cry. He makes a good point -- I am embarrassed of my weight too.

I cut out the parts above that suggest to me that OP has a bigger problem than her weight- her marriage. In a post that has nothing to do with money or divorce, she points out that she makes more and could support her kids by herself. And, her DH pointing out fat people is just classic jerk behavior. Seriously, when is the last time you heard a guy saying something like that? My DH would NEVER point this out about other people, unless they were obese and he were worried about their health or something. It is just weirdly bitchy behavior for a man. And she just sounds so damn sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Diet is more important than exercise, so start there to get the worst of the weight off as quickly as possibly. By all means work out if you can, but if you can't, don't let that be your excuse. Number one, make meal plans and stick to them. Having your food planned out in black and white can really help give you structure, esp when you're bored or get the munchies. Low carb, low fat, low calorie, and HIGH PROTEIN will get you the fastest results.

I don't agree with PPs who said you have a marriage problem. All marriages have some problems, but your DH sounds like a good guy overall, and you even say so. OK, he got drunk, you called him on it, and called you out right back. You both had a valid point. Yes, it was hurtful, but you know deep down he's right so work on it and move on. Good husbands don't grow on trees. Hopefully he'll reciprocate your weight loss efforts with staying sober at the next BBQ, too!

+1 Agree with this PP.

Attacking diet first will get the worst off. Low carb, low fat, and lots of protein to balance is a tried and true method. One way to do this is the Zone diet--it is very flexible (a criticism by some who want defined meal plans), but that worked better for me.

I absolutely know the feeling that using extra time to exercise for yourself feels like time away from the kids when one is away so much at work. I did stuff with my kids. Got them swimming lessons and I swam while they had their lesson. Same with skating. Took them bicycling and for walks.

I don't think you have a marriage problem based on the small evidence presented. Sounds like typical not so great marriage moment. You always leave the toilet seat up, well you never put the caps back on jars firmly before you put them in the fridge. That said, I have found people differ radically on their views about weight, very much even within the same family. I have a sister who thinks there is really no excuse for being fat--people are either lazy or self-indulgent. I think that's an incredibly narrow-minded and bigoted. And I've known my fair share of thin fit people who are incredibly ego centric. I'd rather be fat and generous then thin and self-centered.

[Anonymous]

I don't think you sound depressed, nor do I think your husband sounds like a bad guy. You also sound like you want to lose the weight for you as you feel better when you weigh less. i think a lot of people are projecting their own situations onto you.

You both told each other a negative about the other person and how their health habits were impacting you. that is healthy communication. Not always done with the most tact when alcohol is involved but you should be able to tell the truth. Saying how you feel isn't controlling another person.

He may have been commenting on other people as a way of trying to be subtle so as to not have to tell you directly and hurt you. It isn't about him fat shaming, just his way of trying to point out the issue indirectly. You might do the same commenting on something to do with a friend or others in the hopes he gets the hint about something, In this case - it ended up being said directly.

Fat isn't a bad word anymore than thin is a bad word - I am fat. It describes me.

[Anonymous]

30 pounds shouldn't even register to a spouse as something to bitch about. He's a shallow jerk.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, anyone who's embarrassed that their stressed out wife is a size 14 is a jerk. OP sounds like she has a good attitude, but he sounds very shallow. Especially since she says he's not even goodlooking himself.