In-laws came in uninvited

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm on maternity leave. DS is three months old, so some days I don't look at my phone for hours because I'm busy with him. Last week he went down for a nap so I figured I'd take a nap, too. Woke up twenty minutes later because DS was crying and I heard voices in my house. It was the in-laws. They took it upon themselves to come into the house and hang out.

I came out of the bedroom with a crying baby and they're all, " Didn't you get our text?" I had not. I was kind of pissed. Would you be? Should I ask DH to say something to them? They offered to take the baby but I basically told them to leave.

Now when they want to come over during the day, they call DH and ask him if I want them over. Weird? I think they know what they did was wrong.

Moral of the story: be sure to lock the doors.

You went to sleep with the doors unlocked? Glad no one kidnapped your baby. I'm not being paranoid. Shortly after I left the hospital with my first child, it was all over the news-a lady kidnapped a newborn from the SAME hospital I was in. Thankfully, the baby was returned. The maternity ward was closed down. I've read where deranged women kill the moms (sometimes when pregnant) to kidnap newborns. It happens.

Most violent crimes occur because of unlocked doors and windows. (Our police dept gives an annual talk on how to stay safe- regarding your homes.)

Make sure they don't have a key.

Tell your DH to stop being the middle man (if you want.) They are clueless if they don't realize you have a crazy schedule with your newborn. They need to be accommodating, not you.

[Anonymous]

Why do they have a key to your house?

Change the locks now.

[Anonymous]

OP here.

In my defense, I didn't rudely tell them to leave ... But DS was crying, he won't take a bottle, and they're not comfortable when I BF in front of them. So I talked to them for a minute then excused myself to breastfeed. They left shortly afterward.

I definitely want a good relationship with them. They want to be helpful but are very fixed in their schedules. So what's convenient for them doesn't always work for me (e.g., they can only come Mondays at noon, but that's the one day per week that I actually meet with another mom friend), especially when my child refuses a bottle.

Sigh. I'll call MIL tonight and invite her over.

[Anonymous]

I agree that coming in uninvited is wrong. I also agree that throwing them out is wrong.

[Anonymous]

NOVATransplant wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

NOVATransplant wrote:Sounds like they wanted to see their new grandbaby and you couldn't be bothered to check your phone. Sorry, you sound kind of bitchy

Bitchy for taking a nap? WTF?

No, the part for kicking them out of your house. They now feel that they need to clear it with your husband before they can come over? Yep, you've seriously damaged the relationship with them. Lets hope they are the bigger people and accept the apology that you owe them. Like other posters have said, you should be grateful that you have grandparents nearby who are so willing to offer to lend a hand so you can nap. Trust me, a large percentage of your peers don't have that and a good percentage of them would give their right arm to have what you do.

Are you a nightmare mother in law yourself?

That is the only way your posts make any sense.

[Anonymous]

OP didn't throw them out. They don't like when she nurses in front of them.

[Anonymous]

NOVATransplant wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

NOVATransplant wrote:Sounds like they wanted to see their new grandbaby and you couldn't be bothered to check your phone. Sorry, you sound kind of bitchy

Bitchy for taking a nap? WTF?

No, the part for kicking them out of your house. They now feel that they need to clear it with your husband before they can come over? Yep, you've seriously damaged the relationship with them. Lets hope they are the bigger people and accept the apology that you owe them. Like other posters have said, you should be grateful that you have grandparents nearby who are so willing to offer to lend a hand so you can nap. Trust me, a large percentage of your peers don't have that and a good percentage of them would give their right arm to have what you do.

Um, no. It all starts off looking good with the first grandkid. Yeah, the grandparents want to spend time with the baby. BIT they came into another person's home unannounced and uninvited.

Don't give the OP a hard time for being upset about walking out to people making themselves at home when she is totally unprepared to see anyone in her own home.

And the fact that they're going through DH doesn't mean that OP has seriously damaged her relationship with them. It means they are taking a passive-aggressive approach and setting up OP to be the bad guy in the family story. They should talk to her directly as they should have before. And OP should take to them directly as an adult.

OP, set the boundaries now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, you are not being unreasonable.

It doesn't matter if they want to be helpful, it's rude to just text, not get a response, and show up anyhow.

Given you didn't respond to their text, they should have called.

They were rude. If I were you, I would tell them that you appreciate that they want to see the baby, but they really need to check with you before stopping by. It's not unreasonable. A text saying "we're coming over" isn't enough. They need to check with you, as in 'hey, is it okay if we stop by?"

I would be LIVID if anyone just let themselves into my house. My parents have keys to my house, but they understand that they still have to knock, that they are only to use the key in case of an emergency. I have a key to their house, too, and the same thing goes. I would never just let myself in without making sure it was okay with them beforehand.

Don't let other PPs make you feel bad for setting boundaries. It's your house and your life. If you don't want people to just come and go as they please from your house, it's your right to set that boundary.

This pretty much sums it up. I hope, very much hope, that your ILs realized what a faux pas they made and are embarrassed, and that is why they are going through DH.

DH needs to smooth this over: "Mom, Dad, we love you, but really? Just barging in when you know she is home with the baby? Stopping by without having received a reply? C'mon, she is doing the best she can. You need to be sure that DW has said it is a good time to stop by before you do. She is be always checking her phone, so if you don't hear back by the next day, by all means, try me. DW is glad to see you and happy to have your help, but you can't just show up like that and surprise her."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

In my defense, I didn't rudely tell them to leave ... But DS was crying, he won't take a bottle, and they're not comfortable when I BF in front of them. So I talked to them for a minute then excused myself to breastfeed. They left shortly afterward.

I definitely want a good relationship with them. They want to be helpful but are very fixed in their schedules. So what's convenient for them doesn't always work for me (e.g., they can only come Mondays at noon, but that's the one day per week that I actually meet with another mom friend), especially when my child refuses a bottle.

Sigh. I'll call MIL tonight and invite her over.

It is not your fault that their schedules are rigid. If things aren't working out right now, well, things will get easier as the baby gets older. You don't have to see them the amount they want if they are inflexible.

And they are not comfortable with breast feeding? Then they shouldn't count on seeing much of you for awhile.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

In my defense, I didn't rudely tell them to leave ... But DS was crying, he won't take a bottle, and they're not comfortable when I BF in front of them. So I talked to them for a minute then excused myself to breastfeed. They left shortly afterward.

I definitely want a good relationship with them. They want to be helpful but are very fixed in their schedules. So what's convenient for them doesn't always work for me (e.g., they can only come Mondays at noon, but that's the one day per week that I actually meet with another mom friend), especially when my child refuses a bottle.

Sigh. I'll call MIL tonight and invite her over.

OP, I am the PP who posted about the importance of maintaining a good relationship with family because they are usually the ones you can usually count on when the chips are down.

I am glad that you are going to reach out to your in-laws. In the long run - and maybe even in the short run - it will pay off in terms of your relationship with them and your husband.

Don't listen to those who suggest changing the locks or taking away the keys. Unfortunately there are a lot of people with dysfunctional relationships with their in-laws and even their own parents on these forums. They are not the people whose counsel you want to heed. It is obvious they have their own baggage which is surfacing in the advice they are giving you.

A simple rule to follow in how you deal with in-laws when it comes to issues such as visiting: if you have a good relationship with your own parents how would you deal with them when it comes to handling a visit without notice? If you would let it pass, then do the same with your in-laws. Always keep in mind that although you are obviously closer and more comfortable with your family, your husband parents probably mean a lot to him. Treat his parents like you would your own. Trust me when I say that in most cases it will pay dividends both in your relationship with them and with your husband.

I wish you well.

[Anonymous]

OP, don't obsess about it.

It sounds as if your ILs learnt their lesson. Issue an official invite soon, to signal the end of hostilities (especially if they're good babysitter material ).

And please, lock your doors and close your windows!

[Anonymous]

Yeah, how did they enter in the first place?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

In my defense, I didn't rudely tell them to leave ... But DS was crying, he won't take a bottle, and they're not comfortable when I BF in front of them. So I talked to them for a minute then excused myself to breastfeed. They left shortly afterward.

I definitely want a good relationship with them. They want to be helpful but are very fixed in their schedules. So what's convenient for them doesn't always work for me (e.g., they can only come Mondays at noon, but that's the one day per week that I actually meet with another mom friend), especially when my child refuses a bottle.

Sigh. I'll call MIL tonight and invite her over.

OP, I am the PP who posted about the importance of maintaining a good relationship with family because they are usually the ones you can usually count on when the chips are down.

I am glad that you are going to reach out to your in-laws. In the long run - and maybe even in the short run - it will pay off in terms of your relationship with them and your husband.

Don't listen to those who suggest changing the locks or taking away the keys. Unfortunately there are a lot of people with dysfunctional relationships with their in-laws and even their own parents on these forums. They are not the people whose counsel you want to heed. It is obvious they have their own baggage which is surfacing in the advice they are giving you.

A simple rule to follow in how you deal with in-laws when it comes to issues such as visiting: if you have a good relationship with your own parents how would you deal with them when it comes to handling a visit without notice? If you would let it pass, then do the same with your in-laws. Always keep in mind that although you are obviously closer and more comfortable with your family, your husband parents probably mean a lot to him. Treat his parents like you would your own. Trust me when I say that in most cases it will pay dividends both in your relationship with them and with your husband.

I wish you well.

Whether it is their inlaws, their parents or their next door neighbors, it is unbelievably rude and completely unacceptable for anyone to let themselves into someone else's house without permission, without calling or without knocking, ESPECIALLY if they have been given the responsibility of having a key to the house.

If the inlaws (or anyone else for that matter) cannot see it then the only logical thing to do is to take away the key or change the locks.

The fact you can't see this shows that you have very little understanding of proper manners and boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, how did they enter in the first place?

+1. Finally. I don't understand this entire thread. Do they have a key? If not, how did they get in? Do you really leave your doors unlocked? even when you are asleep? Are you in the DC area?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

In my defense, I didn't rudely tell them to leave ... But DS was crying, he won't take a bottle, and they're not comfortable when I BF in front of them. So I talked to them for a minute then excused myself to breastfeed. They left shortly afterward.

I definitely want a good relationship with them. They want to be helpful but are very fixed in their schedules. So what's convenient for them doesn't always work for me (e.g., they can only come Mondays at noon, but that's the one day per week that I actually meet with another mom friend), especially when my child refuses a bottle.

Sigh. I'll call MIL tonight and invite her over.

How would they react if you waltzed into their house without knocking or calling first? I don't think you're awful for being upset. An adult son or daughter's house isn't necessarily an extension of the grandparents' home. Some people like it that way, and some don't and it's not a horrible thing if you don't see your home as an extension of theirs where they can just walk in and out.