In-laws came in uninvited

[Anonymous]

Who are all you people who don't lock your doors? I don't understand this concept of leaving doors unlocked. And OP, you went to SLEEP with the door unlocked?! Are you trying to get killed? Lock your door! Every day! All the time!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who are all you people who don't lock your doors? I don't understand this concept of leaving doors unlocked. And OP, you went to SLEEP with the door unlocked?! Are you trying to get killed? Lock your door! Every day! All the time!

+1!!

[Anonymous]

I live in Rosemont/Del Ray section of Alexandria, you know where random people were getting shot in the middle of th day in their homes. OP must not live in this area. Who in their right mind ever, EVER leaves their doors unlocked with a baby In the house and goes to sleep. OMG, Madeline McCann ring a bell?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who are all you people who don't lock your doors? I don't understand this concept of leaving doors unlocked. And OP, you went to SLEEP with the door unlocked?! Are you trying to get killed? Lock your door! Every day! All the time!

Yeah, I don't get this either. My door to my house an dc are are always, always locked.

[Anonymous]

Hi op. I have a mil like yours. Well intentioned but boundaries are easily confused especially with a new grandchild and therefore new rules/boundaries needed.

Around 3mos I was very interested in setting boundaries and breastfeeding in private. He's almost 11 months now and everything has changed. I'm very grateful for their existence and interest in our lives. The in laws took DS on Saturday for 5 hours and I could have cried at the much needed relief it brought.

So my advice, set boundaries, be firm, and remember that your needs might changed.

Good luck mama!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

In my defense, I didn't rudely tell them to leave ... But DS was crying, he won't take a bottle, and they're not comfortable when I BF in front of them. So I talked to them for a minute then excused myself to breastfeed. They left shortly afterward.

I definitely want a good relationship with them. They want to be helpful but are very fixed in their schedules. So what's convenient for them doesn't always work for me (e.g., they can only come Mondays at noon, but that's the one day per week that I actually meet with another mom friend), especially when my child refuses a bottle.

Sigh. I'll call MIL tonight and invite her over.

I question why you conveniently have a standing appointment each week when you apparently know that's the one time the in-laws have free to see the baby. Why not offer them--your husband's parents and your baby's grandparents--a standing appointment.

And I don't believe for a second that you didn't see their text before they arrived. You saw it and ignored it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

In my defense, I didn't rudely tell them to leave ... But DS was crying, he won't take a bottle, and they're not comfortable when I BF in front of them. So I talked to them for a minute then excused myself to breastfeed. They left shortly afterward.

I definitely want a good relationship with them. They want to be helpful but are very fixed in their schedules. So what's convenient for them doesn't always work for me (e.g., they can only come Mondays at noon, but that's the one day per week that I actually meet with another mom friend), especially when my child refuses a bottle.

Sigh. I'll call MIL tonight and invite her over.

I question why you conveniently have a standing appointment each week when you apparently know that's the one time the in-laws have free to see the baby. Why not offer them--your husband's parents and your baby's grandparents--a standing appointment.

And I don't believe for a second that you didn't see their text before they arrived. You saw it and ignored it.

WTF?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, is this your first child? Are your in laws local?

I just wanted to give you my perspective, as a mom of two school aged children, in a family that has had serious health problems and other difficulties. ARe these people good and kid, just a little socially clueless? Yes, you need to set boundaries, but having local grandparents who are willing to help you out with the kids is worth SO SO MUCH. Especially if both you and your husband work.

Would they be willing and capable to watch your sick child? To help out with the older one, when you have the younger one in the hospital? HANG ON TO THEM. Local grandparents who are willing to help out (and are capable) are worth their weight in gold.

And yes, of course, you should lock your doors when you nap.

I respectfully disagree. Grandparents are only helpful when they play by your rules. My MIL is local and life would be so much easy for everyone if she was not trying to "help".

[Anonymous]

A few thoughts:
1) I would have flipped out and said some very unkind things to someone who waltzed into my house without explicit permission to be there. Not okay.

2) DH needs to put a stop to the passive-agressive avoidance of you. Your refusal to allow them to be rude does not make you a scary monster they get to avoid. That should sound like this:
"Mom/Dad, I am not home right now, so I have no way to confirm that it is a good time for you to visit. If you want to see the baby on a weekday before X, you need to talk to DW. You have her number. If she doesn't respond to a text, feel free to call. If she doesn't respond to a call, then she is likely busy with the baby or trying to rest, both of which mean that it is NOT a good time." If they continue to ask him for permission to visit you, he should simply reply, "You know who you need to ask about this and it's not me."

3) In the interest of peace, you should reach out to them and say that you are sorry if you were abrupt, but dropping by unannounced does not work for you and will never result in a satisfying visit--then launch into how much you want them to see the baby at a time that worka for all of you and do your best to get at least a weekly visit scheduled. And remind them that if they want to see the baby on other days that you will do your best to respond to calls and texts promptly, but of course if you do not respond it means that it's not a good time.

4) I know you probably crave the chance to hang with another mom, but if that is the only time that works for them, you should really try to prioritze family over your friend. Maybe every other week you see the friend if you really, truly cannot reschedule her to a different day?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A simple rule to follow in how you deal with in-laws when it comes to issues such as visiting: if you have a good relationship with your own parents how would you deal with them when it comes to handling a visit without notice? If you would let it pass, then do the same with your in-laws. Always keep in mind that although you are obviously closer and more comfortable with your family, your husband parents probably mean a lot to him. Treat his parents like you would your own. Trust me when I say that in most cases it will pay dividends both in your relationship with them and with your husband.

The problem with this approach is different families have different expectations for privacy. I'm not OP, but my own parents don't stop by without notice. They have keys to our house (in case we're out of town and ask them to bring in mail or feed the cat), but they'd NEVER just let themselves into my house. So I'd be pretty upset if my in-laws did that, even knowing that in other families impromptu visits are the norm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'd be surprised if family just came barging in but I'd never ask them to leave - especially parents or in-laws.

You will learn the hard way that everyone needs help at certain times and undermining relationships by thoughtless and rude actions will result in a price to be paid in the future. For most people, the only sure support that one can count on when the chips are down is one's family.

As others said, there were a dozen ways to handle a situation like this without being as offensive as you were. I don't know how close your husband is to his parents but if he is close, this may come to haunt you down the line.

It is neither thoughtless nor rude to tell people who have not only ARRIVED UNINVITED but LET THEMSELVES INTO THE HOUSE that now is not a good time and that they need to come back another time. What planet are you from?!?!? She woke up from a nap to find people in her home! The thoughtless, rude people are her in-laws. They should be mortified by their behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'd be surprised if family just came barging in but I'd never ask them to leave - especially parents or in-laws.

You will learn the hard way that everyone needs help at certain times and undermining relationships by thoughtless and rude actions will result in a price to be paid in the future. For most people, the only sure support that one can count on when the chips are down is one's family.

As others said, there were a dozen ways to handle a situation like this without being as offensive as you were. I don't know how close your husband is to his parents but if he is close, this may come to haunt you down the line.

It is neither thoughtless nor rude to tell people who have not only ARRIVED UNINVITED but LET THEMSELVES INTO THE HOUSE that now is not a good time and that they need to come back another time. What planet are you from?!?!? She woke up from a nap to find people in her home! The thoughtless, rude people are her in-laws. They should be mortified by their behavior.

You should be mortified by your stupidity.

There is not a single person who is arguing that people have the right to arrive uninvited or to let themselves into the house. What some people are saying is that there are different ways to deal with these things. You don't make a confrontation about everything and you don't burn bridges especially with your husband's parents and in the process risk alienating your husband.

You inability to comprehend simple English is quite stunning but your willingness to polarize a situation that can be handled differently is not in doubt.

If you are married, with your attitude I feel sorry for your husband ....... if you are divorced, it is obvious why that would have happened and if you are single, you would save a lot of people grief by not getting married.

[Anonymous]

Where do you live that you would take a nap and leave your doors unlocked? Really???

[Anonymous]

NOVATransplant wrote:Sounds like they wanted to see their new grandbaby and you couldn't be bothered to check your phone. Sorry, you sound kind of bitchy

I tend to agree with this statement only because I come from a very open family and we are accustomed to being in everyone's business. I also very much appreciate how excited they are to be grandparents and they can't get enough of their new grandchild. It wouldn't have bothered me and not only would I be thankful for an impromptu sitter, I am not so entitled that I wouldn't want to grant them every opportunity to enjoy their grandkid. My advice - try and see if from their point of view.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

NOVATransplant wrote:Sounds like they wanted to see their new grandbaby and you couldn't be bothered to check your phone. Sorry, you sound kind of bitchy

I tend to agree with this statement only because I come from a very open family and we are accustomed to being in everyone's business. I also very much appreciate how excited they are to be grandparents and they can't get enough of their new grandchild. It wouldn't have bothered me and not only would I be thankful for an impromptu sitter, I am not so entitled that I wouldn't want to grant them every opportunity to enjoy their grandkid. My advice - try and see if from their point of view.

Great advice but I assure you that there are those on this forum whose sense of entitlement is so all-consuming that they will make a big song and dance about it.