Three kids under 4 and I think we are headed for divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is he a SAHD?

OP here. No. Not a SAHD. We both work full time.

Neither of us get enough time to do things we'd like to do. But he is constantly contradicting himself. Last weekend I was home with the twins until about 2 both days. When I asked if I could go for a walk and he said "no" he said his days was just as stressful because he was with our four year old. Yet today, he claims I got all this time to do what I wanted when I took our four year old to swimming and the grocery store. So when I'm with the oldest it is "time off" but it isn't when he is. It is infuriating.

I will tell you that this is not an uncommon conversation between Parents of small children. Nearly every married couple I know has this exact same discussion. When this happens with me and my husband I give in, shut up, and let him have his way. Sometimes. When the time is right I tell him how I feel in vivid detail. Sometimes he gets mad. Sometimes we fight about it. But when I give and give for like a week....the next week is like mine. I know when I can give and when I can take. Sometimes a little bit of little woman-ing goes a long way. Personally, my husband hates the idea of his wife being a little woman and he finds it unattractive. So, eventually he feels bad and comes around. If you try this and it doesn't work and he just is all about himself and feels no guilt once he's had a chance to de-compress.....that's a problem.

Also, my husband allows me to go to a hotel occasionally for a night. By myself, nearby, nothing expensive. I have breakfast in the morning. I come back refreshed. Then I feel guilty and let him do something he wants to do. This goes back and forth. It's not always wonderful, but it works overall.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Also, my husband allows me to go to a hotel occasionally for a night. By myself, nearby, nothing expensive. I have breakfast in the morning. I come back refreshed. Then I feel guilty and let him do something he wants to do. This goes back and forth. It's not always wonderful, but it works overall.

....and before I hear it.....yes, I said "allow". We're in a marriage. I let him do things and he lets me do things. Because the children are our joint occupation. We're each other's parenting work partners. And yes, I work.

[Anonymous]

Hire help. Scale down your lifestyle if necessary to afford it. Stay home with the kids for a few years if you need to. If you can coexist through the tough spots (years maybe) you will be better off than divorcing.

[Anonymous]

He thinks he is always right and that IS a problem. No one is ever right 100% of the time. If he refuses to go to counceling, tell him you are considering divorce. If that does not get him to make an effort, then divorce him.

You should try and get a sitter or someone to help you so that both of you are not so stressed. It takes TWO to make a marriage work, and only one to wreck it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hire help. Scale down your lifestyle if necessary to afford it. Stay home with the kids for a few years if you need to. If you can coexist through the tough spots (years maybe) you will be better off than divorcing.

Op here. Staying home with the kids is quite possibly the last thing I'd consider doing. I'd never get back in the workforce and would be devastated financially if we divorced.

I suggested hiring someone to come in for four hours on the weekends to help, but DH refused. We do have our house cleaned every other week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hire help. Scale down your lifestyle if necessary to afford it. Stay home with the kids for a few years if you need to. If you can coexist through the tough spots (years maybe) you will be better off than divorcing.

Op here. Staying home with the kids is quite possibly the last thing I'd consider doing. I'd never get back in the workforce and would be devastated financially if we divorced.

I suggested hiring someone to come in for four hours on the weekends to help, but DH refused. We do have our house cleaned every other week.

Why did he refuse? What would his side of the story be?

[Anonymous]

Don't fight around the kids. Rekindle the affection to the point that you can reinstitute sex. A healthy sex life can save a marriage going through the kids are little and work/home stress is draining us alive stage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hire help. Scale down your lifestyle if necessary to afford it. Stay home with the kids for a few years if you need to. If you can coexist through the tough spots (years maybe) you will be better off than divorcing.

Op here. Staying home with the kids is quite possibly the last thing I'd consider doing. I'd never get back in the workforce and would be devastated financially if we divorced.

I suggested hiring someone to come in for four hours on the weekends to help, but DH refused. We do have our house cleaned every other week.

Do you want to divorce proof your marriage OR focus on planning ways to protect your post-divorce life. Of course, you'd get back in the workforce. Women do it all the time. Maybe not at the same level or even in the same field, but if women couldn't find jobs post divorce, more of us would get alimony.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hire help. Scale down your lifestyle if necessary to afford it. Stay home with the kids for a few years if you need to. If you can coexist through the tough spots (years maybe) you will be better off than divorcing.

Op here. Staying home with the kids is quite possibly the last thing I'd consider doing. I'd never get back in the workforce and would be devastated financially if we divorced.

I suggested hiring someone to come in for four hours on the weekends to help, but DH refused. We do have our house cleaned every other week.

Why did he refuse? What would his side of the story be?

Seriously! What is his reason for not wanting to do that? It seems like a great solution - I am really in favor of paying to fix problems, when possible. And this seems like one of those times that each of you having some time to yourself, every weekend, could go a long way toward making you happier.

Anyway, he sounds like he is being a dumbass. How can it be easy for you to be with a 4 year old and hard for him? Does he think that women come with magical powers that make being with a kid easier than it is for a dude?

[Anonymous]

I feel like you should throw some money at this problem and relieve the stress. Is this possible in your case?

Unless of course your relationship was like this before the twins? Or before all the children?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hire help. Scale down your lifestyle if necessary to afford it. Stay home with the kids for a few years if you need to. If you can coexist through the tough spots (years maybe) you will be better off than divorcing.

Op here. Staying home with the kids is quite possibly the last thing I'd consider doing. I'd never get back in the workforce and would be devastated financially if we divorced.

I suggested hiring someone to come in for four hours on the weekends to help, but DH refused. We do have our house cleaned every other week.

Do you want to divorce proof your marriage OR focus on planning ways to protect your post-divorce life. Of course, you'd get back in the workforce. Women do it all the time. Maybe not at the same level or even in the same field, but if women couldn't find jobs post divorce, more of us would get alimony.

I'm sorry, telling someone who's not interested in becoming a SAHM that that's what it takes to "divorce proof" the marriage is awful. It sounds like there are deeper issues than just division of work. Dropping out of the workforce is a very high price to pay when there is no guarantee that being a SAHM is going to solve their problems. For all we know, the husband doesn't want her at home and would become even more resentful if he has to become the sole provider.

OP, try to have a calm conversation with your husband about how you both feel overburdened and need to negotiate & on specifics about chores/duties and time off for each so that you both can refresh and get through the difficult young kid years. Part of this should include specific no-kid break times for each of you and regularly-scheduled couple time. Tell him that you think this will be more productive if done with the help of a neutral counselor, but if he absolutely refuses that, then try to do it on your own. Tell him that the situation is affecting the oldest and your marriage is in jeopardy.

[Anonymous]

Here is my advice (and I am someone who had a 2 year old and then twins - so three kids under 2.3 years)...

You should quit your job and/or move to part time.

With three tiny kids, something has to give.

It is very trying to have three little kids. We put almost everythign else on hold while our kids were very young. Now they are in grade school and I work part time and we are now able to go on outings and take vacations and remodel our house. BUT when they were little, all of my energy - mental and physical - had to go into taking care of them. It is exhausting. I can't even imagine trying to work too...I went back part time when my twins were age 3.5.

Divorce is not the answer. Give it time. And give up the job or have DH give up his job. Or hire a live in nanny. You need more help.

[Anonymous]

I'm astonished at the people suggesting OP quit her job. You really think that, at the time a marriage is fragile and the couple has three kids to support, THAT's when the woman ought to chuck her professional life?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm astonished at the people suggesting OP quit her job. You really think that, at the time a marriage is fragile and the couple has three kids to support, THAT's when the woman ought to chuck her professional life?

Ntice that you said professional life (i.e. career) and not a job to help support the kids.

She could pick a position with flexible hours or something that stressed her out less.

I'm divorced and I got screwed financially in the settlement because of my "career" as opposed to a job so I think the OP is fooling herself if she thinks holding on to her position rather than her marriage is the better financial situation for her kids.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are going through what a lot of people with young children go through. Hopefully, like many other couples you will be too tired to divorce and eventually in a few years when the kids are older, you will realize that you and your spouse were just incredibly tired during the early years.