Three kids under 4 and I think we are headed for divorce

[Anonymous]

The little-kid years are so hard on a marriage. You two sound like you've lost each other. As long as he hasn't gone and found someone/something else, as men are prone to do, the two of you should be able to talk and see if you can reaffirm your feelings and intentions towards each other, and then make time to reconnect and make sex happen. Sex can have an amazing effect--makes you so much nicer and forgiving to each other.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm sorry, but nothing you've said here comes close to warranting a divorce when you have 3 CHILDREN UNDER THE AGE OF 4 that you two supposedly decided to bring into the world TOGETHER.

Grow up. And Buck Up. It's not all about you and how you feel.

[Anonymous]

I've asked many times and all he says is therapists are useless and no one will convince him he's in the wrong.

Op, your issues with your husband sound familiar, when we've been in the thick of it with work, kids, stress, etc we get into the same patterns. There's a ton of built up resentment, each of you is doing more than your share, etc. One thing that was rough for us was that DH saw my requests for therapy as just a veiled attempt to get someone else to tell him how much he's messed up, that he's a bad husband, etc. There was so much anticipation of anger, blame, resentment in our relationshipt aht we could not even hear each other when we were trying to be nice--and then the person who was trying to be nice felt so fragile and hopeless that it lasted a nanosecond and was even worse after, because they felt rejected. its awful.

However.

You guys can get through this. What I hear is just that communication has completely broken down, but it can be repaired. Part of it is just finding some way of realizing that you are in the thick of it and both of you are kind of miserable. Its not the time to talk about 'when you use that tone" or even to say "I'm miserable' in a way that will make your DH feel like its yet another thing he's responsible for (that was my DH's response--). I don't suggest you quit work, but I do suggest you throw money at things for a while. what are the things that you can do that for? Date nights, weekend sitting (yes, I know it caused conflict, but perhaps you can frame it differently--), cleaning, take out, etc. Relax standards where you can. When your spouse comes home, or you come home, ask him about his day and really mean it, and empathize. say THANK YOU all the time, even if he's doing stuff that you never get thanked for (once I started doing this, I got more thanks back, even though at first it was like why am I thanking him for watching the kids while I get dressed when I do that for him?_. Watch your reactions--do you 'hear' criticism in his voice? Do you react to the tone? do you get defensive or passive aggressive when he's being aggressive? I know I do, so I consciously take a deep breath and if his tone was mean or snappish, I might address it in another way. Respond blandly, but then say, "honey, you seem stressed out. Is there anything I can do? Usually he realizes that he ws being a jerk and softens.

. For example, the incident you described is not, in and of itself, a big deal but the fact that it felt that way suggests that you are both scorekeeping a whole lot over who has it worse, who should be getting sympathy from the other spouse. . He was home with 2 sick kids all day long and was probably desperate for you to help out, come home. Perhaps he felt frustrated that being home with two babies is so stressful to him and makes him feel like a faiure as a father (I have felt this way when I've had a rough day with our kids). etc. He snapped about the umbrella as a way of expressing that because you two haven't been each others supports, each other's empathizers, you two haven't been each other's helpers. You were angry and stressed out about your presentation and didn't focus on how he was feeling. No one is 'really right or wrong here, but both of you are acting like you each have it the worst and your spouse is the problem. Until you just ditch that attitude your marriage will never improve (but trust me, divorce is a nightmare). If you can try to really show love (even if you don't feel it) empahty, say thank you, acknowledge how hard he is working (rather than thinking about how much he isn't doing) he might soften up and that would be a time to discuss how you want to rebuild the imtimacy and trust. You don't do it by outlining all your problems though--where you guys are now, that will only add to it. You do it by actingin the way you want him to act, even if he's not there yet. This is NOT backing down or accepting abuse (he doesn't sound abusive, just abrupt and criticial and stressed).

Our marriage has gotten SO much better when we worked on being patient and loving and accepting of each other. Its an ongoing sturggle, but we had to get away from the place of blame and resentment and really begin to hear each other first. So, a while ago we would have been in a similar place with the umbrella. Now,k I would have checked in with him during the day, sent a loving text saying that I imagine its not easy being home with the twins, but how much I appreciate that he is doing it and can I bring him something for dinner? He would have felt acknowledged and probably then asked me how my day was going and if when I came home and he was exhausted and my presentation sucked, we would have commiserated and opened a bottle of wine and strategized on how to get through the evening with the kids.