Three kids under 4 and I think we are headed for divorce
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Anonymous
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DH and I can't get along and haven't been able to for a long time. He gets mad at me after the fact for all kinds of things I feel we have discussed and agreed up. And he makes me feel guilty whenever I want a break for a few hours and tells me how hard he has it taking care of the kids. We can barely talk to one another nicely -- everything is with an tone of accusation or disgust for the other person.
I'm at the point that I think I need to start talking to a divorce lawyer for advice. I've been to counseling but he refuses. I've asked many times and all he says is therapists are useless and no one will convince him he's in the wrong. I've tried to talk about how we can change the tone of how we speak to one another and I know I'm partially to blame. And when I try to change my behavior in tone etc. I feel like I can for a bit but then I lose it after the umpteenth time of him jumping down my throat about something. Here's an example from this week: The two youngest were sick and he had to stay home with them because I had a big presentation at work. It was the day it rained so it took us an hour to get to work and an hour to get home in the pouring rain. I was sick and the presentation did not go well. I felt awful when I got home. As I was walking our four year old from the garage in the pouring down rain our umbrella got stuck in the door so I pulled on it a bit to get it through. He started yelling at me to not break the umbrella and turn it sideways. I tried to ignore him and got a "you're so careless" speech. Welcome home! |
Anonymous
| That moment you describe doesn't sound that bad. You both had bad days most likely and were tired. Is it really enough to warrant a divorce? |
Anonymous
| I am so very sorry, OP. How old is your youngest? |
Anonymous
| Why did you have so many kids so fast? |
Anonymous
| OP here -- Each incident alone is certainly not enough. But we now have no positive moments. All of our interactions are negative. No sex. Any sort of physical contact -- hugs, kisses -- are initiated by me and he usually acts put out just to give me a hug. He seems to only have disgust for me and nothing I do is good enough. And it is starting to have an impact on our oldest who is commenting and talking about it at school. |
Anonymous
We didn't. Two and three were twins and DD was 3.5 when they were born. |
Anonymous
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This is likely the impact of 3 young kids! Put divorce off the table for now because what you describe is typical effect if so much stress and so little time. You need to, unilaterally if you have to, stop all blame, all passive aggressive, all keeping score and all annoyed responses , even if it feels impossible. Then you two need to reconnect on an intimate level and just acknowledge how hard it is. Keep blame or "we need to fix this" out if the discussion as there is always something to fix but at this moment it is about putting aside the built up resentments that I think just happen to parents under stress and without a lot if relief.
DH have been there frequently, and we would be there now if we had another kid in th house. As it is with a two and four year old we are always on the run and often short with each other. The thing that got us to break the pattern was the impact on our older child.things ain't perfect but we try hard not to mak assumptions about tone, intention with each other. We say thank you, take a pause before responding negatively, pay lots if money we don't have for occasional breaks and date night, work to simplify our lives, try for regular meetings where we discuss things ( this helps us address stuff in a calm manner and also make sure we are in the same page about schedules, etc).and what keeps us in check is the impact on our kids. We need to model positive discipline for our kuds but the same techniques (empathy, listening, no blame and no shaming, taking a time out, and ignoring if necessary) is also helpful with each other. Sounds like that is what you two need. Some time and space, counseling perhaps |
Anonymous
Huh? |
Anonymous
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You have six month old twins. You are in the thick of the baby stage.
He was at home all day with two sick babies and was grumpy. You went to work and were sick and you were grumpy. You both sounds pretty miserable right now. Just gut through the next few months. |
Anonymous
Clearly, he has other issues, and maybe you do, too. We went through a period of this, too, although from what you have wrote, not as bad. A lot of it had to do with expectations and perceptions. I expected him to do more around the house; he perceived he was doing a lot, or what he did do, I thought was pretty half-ass. So I would make comments about it to him. He felt that in my eyes he was never good enough. It got better after a while, especially after the kids got a bit older, but we did have to change our level of expectations/perceptions. I find the baby/toddler years were definitely the hardest on our relationship. You said he doesn't want to go to counseling. But would he rather get a divorce? That's probably more expensive than counseling, and surely, a lot more of a headache. Does he also not see that it is impacting your oldest? Maybe he can go to counseling alone first (although I'm sure it would be nearly impossible to convince him to do this), and you, too, then go together. Actually, even if he isn't willing to go, maybe you should just go without him. You may still end up divorcing, but at least you will know you tried. |
Anonymous
| I don't know what the answer is but I'm sending you a big hug. You are strong and you will get through this, one way or another. Hang in there... |
Anonymous
| Is he a SAHD? |
Anonymous
OP here. No. Not a SAHD. We both work full time. Neither of us get enough time to do things we'd like to do. But he is constantly contradicting himself. Last weekend I was home with the twins until about 2 both days. When I asked if I could go for a walk and he said "no" he said his days was just as stressful because he was with our four year old. Yet today, he claims I got all this time to do what I wanted when I took our four year old to swimming and the grocery store. So when I'm with the oldest it is "time off" but it isn't when he is. It is infuriating. |
Anonymous
Sounds like he is resentful of something, maybe he feels that he has to pitch in too much for a guy? That's what it sounds like to me. |
Anonymous
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Did you plan the twins? I mean, were you happy enough 2 years ago to plan to have more children?
If so, I agree with the other posters that maybe you're in a lull because you're both exhausted from the children. I'm not saying that you should not get a divorce, I'm just saying that you need take stock and figure out if it's worth getting a divorce. Your children would be with him 1/2 of the time (I'm assuming he's a good Father and will have joint custody). You will not know sometimes and you will not have a say in what is going on when he has them. You will have to give up seeing them for things that you might want to see them for because it will be "his day". He will likely date and bring women around your children. You will likely date and bring men around your children. These people will have a direct effect on their lives and the way they grow up. Do you know if *he* wants a divorce?? |